The Forest for the Trees
by Mylifewithedward
Summary: Sequel to "If a Tree Falls" - Edward has had over a year away and now is returning to Forks, with one mission in mind - to get Bella back for good. Will she be happy to see him? Or will she wish he had just stayed away? LEMONS!
1. Chapter 1

**_Okay so here it is... the next part to the story If a Tree Falls. This is very different in that I had no idea what If a Tree Falls would become, but with this I really wanted to start it well and keep it consistent. The characters are the same people, don't worry about that - Bella is still as feisty if not a little damaged!! Let me know what you think of this first chapter - am I making a mistake with the style? Can't wait to hear from ALL of you! Do review, it only takes a minute and it helps so much! If you have it play The Blowers Daughter for this chapter... it is what I imagine Edward is feeling... Lyrics from it start the chapter._**

**_I really hope this works!_**

**_Lisa xxx_**

**_:-P_**

* * *

**The Forest for the Trees**

* * *

_And so it is  
Just like you said it would be  
Life goes easy on me  
Most of the time  
And so it is  
The shorter story  
No love, no glory  
No hero in her sky_

* * *

_Edward_

The sound of the tarmac under my feet and the cries of gulls in the distance were the best part of my morning run. I loved the seafront here in San Diego. The bike path running along the silver strand and across the harbor to Imperial beach was perfect for just getting into it. A clean run, no stops or awkward corners. In the early morning before the world woke, and just as the sun hit the horizon I would head out into the cool morning air.

By the time I rounded Coronado Island the sky would be bright and the city would be waking up. I loved the mill and buzz around me as I sprinted along with people starting their day and the feeling of freedom as I ran between them. The newspaper vendor would tip his forehead as I ran by every morning, the road sweepers would yell a "Morning!". It was my routine and theirs. I belonged.

It was over a year since I had fled Forks and headed for the West Coast. My best friend, from boarding school, Jasper had just started in the University of San Diego and his parents were footing the bill for a waterfront apartment Downtown. Two bedrooms, great living with a fucking huge terrace. I landed on my feet with my choice of friends, the rent he asked of me consisted of a few beers now and then and a promise to play wingman on his girl hunts. Not that he found many girls he liked, Jazz was picky as hell. He liked them small and pale - something rare in San Diego.

"I just don't get this tanning bullshit Edward - they all look the same" He would say, after extracating himself from yet another enthusiastic girl at a college bar, "Fucking huge tits, orange faces and blonde blonde blonde, there's more variety in a fucking rubber doll catalogue" He'd fling his arms above his head in despair.

"Where is my pixie goddess?" He would shout from the terrace, each time he came home empty handed. His ideal woman would be a cross between Tinkerbell and Winona Ryder, a poster of the later which he had recently put up in the bathroom. That made me feel fucking ill if I thought about it too much. Before that I had almost considered introducing him to my sister Alice who was pale and dark, if she wasn't such a little bitch. Not that Jazz wouldn't like that, he liked them 'feisty'. "I like 'em slappy" He would say. Sometimes I wished I could see inside Jaspers head. I reckoned it would be a chocolate factory of naked pale women and some fucking insane logic. Still it might give me more insight into how his brain worked.

My run took me along a cycle path by the beach and just where they meet I would head across onto the wet sand. It was a hard run but one I needed to do every morning, to push myself. This was a recent thing in my life, pushing myself. Before I had moved to San Diego I had been way too fond of the easy life. Pushing myself was not something I had known how to do. Not in school, nor in my life. It had made me completely fucking miserable, bullied by all three of my siblings and my parents. I had rebelled in the loudest way I could back then, almost to prove I was not affected by it. With the things that had mattered though, I had just been fucking walked over. I had been such a fucking pussy, a complete asshole.

And I had lost one of the best things I'd ever had, because of that. In San Diego I was putting in the hours to ensure that would never happen again.

I'd had a girlfriend the last few months in Forks, and really that was what spiraled everything and ended with me moving to live with Jasper. That one relationship had pretty much destroyed the old me, but like the proverbial phoenix I had risen stronger than before. Losing my girlfriend through my own foolishness was the one big regret of my life. Through my inability to stand up to the pack of bullies that were my family, I had lost the only person who actually ever seemed to give a shit if I was happy. Not only that but I'd lost her to another guy, Jacob Black. His family and mine had never got on particulary well, and so it was a massive kick in the face when my girlfriend chose him over me. Not that I blamed her, he was the better man. At least he _was_.

There was only one thing to do now. I needed to head back home and take back what was rightfully mine. The one thing I knew that without my life meant nothing at all.

_Bella Swan._

Hitting the Coronado Cays Boulevard my legs relaxed, after the soft sand the pavement was a relief. I loved this last stretch of my run. Green grass on either side and palm trees which still gave me that holiday feeling even though I was here over a year.

Eventually I came to the tennis courts where Jazz stood leaning against his car, racket spinning on his palm and lazily chewing gum. He looked like something from a sports catalogue, all decked out in tennis gear from head to toe. Even down to a white sweatband that pushed his curly hair up so he looked like a fucking pineapple.

"You look like a dork" I said, grabbing my racket from the back seat and heading in through the gate. I wasn't as out of breath as I would normally be and so I looked across the boulevard, already calculating a longer way around for tomorrow.

"Morning Eddie baby!" Jasper sang in a falsetto voice, "ready to get your ass kicked?" He waggled his eyebrows.

I laughed out loud, it was always the same routine. Jasper, with all the gear and the best tennis racket money could buy, was a hopeless player. I'd slaughter him, as I always did and then we'd go for coffee. Jasper didn't need to run, this daily tennis match with me kept him fit. That and the amount of dancing the guy did at weekends. I didn't want to be just fit though, I wanted to be at the top of my game at all times. I didn't know how it would go down when I got back to Forks. Back to get Bella. I had always figured I might have to fight Jacob Black, and if it came to it, if thats what it took then I would.

The tennis match went as it always did, we got a rally going and then I took the game up a notch and won. Jasper would blame his new shoes, his racket, the net - whatever. We'd hop into his car and head back downtown to our favorite coffee place, _Cream_ on park Boulevard, for our breakfast.

Jasper would at some stage go to college, he'd have some nerd to pay for assignments and whatnot. I would head home to work on some project or to the studios to record.

I'd had quite a lucky break not long after arriving in San Diego. Playing piano for some local ballet schools was bringing in money, and I was able to live quite comfortably on that but it wasn't doing my soul much good. Not to get sappy about it, but I had made such a huge break from everything and then to be listening to instructions from thousand year old ballet teachers, it just was a bit draining.

Then serendipitously a friend of Jaspers, from college, was looking for someone to play piano for some project he had going. Jasper said I'd do it, and over about a month me and this guy worked on a musical score for a short movie he had to do for his college assignment. The movie was great, a 3 minute love story and he was told to send it in to the Film out festival. He did and he fucking won. I rode on his coat tails all the way through the awards and since that the jobs just rolled in. They don't pay much, short films never have much to play with but I'm doing something I love. That, now, is all that matters.

My father attempted a few times to put what I did down but I knocked that clear out of the water before he even finished the sentence. He wanted me to do medicine since Emmett's first IQ test put him out of the running. I had never fancied it, but running away to San Diego changed everything. Before I would stumble through the conversation, pretty much agreeing that the best thing for me was to follow in his footsteps.

Now it was as simple as to say _No_.

I often lay in bed, a lump in my fucking throat, thinking of how easy it would have been to just say that in the first place, all along. I would look around my room and imagine Bella Swan in it. That sexy little smile of hers, the sparkle in her chocolate brown eyes. I cursed myself daily for letting that girl slip through my fingers. Sometimes the regret just took me over and it actually _hurt_. Especially in the night, when I would lie awake for hours listening to Jasper snoring through the walls.

I'd remember Bella and the way she would wrap her body around mine, at any opportunity. The girl had really fucking loved me and I had just fucking let that go. For the sake of some easy life I had thought was possible. As if anyone would have peace living with Rose Cullen.

As for that bitch, we rarely talked. She had never really apologized and anytime I saw her, which was rare, she would still start some nag going. My mother said it was Roses way of telling me she loved me.

My mother was an idiot if she really believed that.

Sitting outside Cream with Jasper, as he wolfed down two cheese croissants with all the mastery of a hippo, I enjoyed the sounds of the city. The sun was hitting the back of my neck and I thought to myself, "I'll miss this".

I turned to Jasper, who was blowing bubbles into his frappacino with his straw.

"Hey Jazz, buddy" I said knocking on the table to get his attention.

He looked up expectantly, "Yes my love?" The guy cheered me up just by being alive.

"How do you fancy heading to my home town for a bit? When college breaks up."

He beamed, "What are the girls like there?" He asked, pulling his sunglasses from his brow and onto his nose, jiggling them with his fingers.

"Pale" I said calmly leaning back into my chair and stretching my hands behind my head, "Very, _very_ pale"

****


	2. Chapter 2

_I'm still hurting from a love I lost, _

_I'm feeling your frustration, _

_But any minute all the pain will stop, _

_Just hold me close inside your arms tonight, _

_Don't be too hard on my emotions _

_Cause I, need time, _

_My heart is numb, has no feeling, _

_So while I'm still healing, _

_Just try and have a little patience, _

_I really wanna start over again, _

_I know you wanna be my salvation, _

_The one that I can always depend, _

_I'll try to be strong, believe me, _

_I'm trying to move on, _

_It's complicated_

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

Ugh.

Rosalie fucking Cullen.

Bitch-face herself.

Evil fucking...Ugh. There are no words.

The fucking bitch seemed to pop up everywhere as well. Could I not queue for a stupid cup of coffee without realizing that grating noise going through my fucking head was her berating the barista? It was like the gods were deliberately trying to wind me up.

Last week she had been in front of me in the movie theatre and I had spent the whole movie resisting the urge to dump my popcorn over her head. I didn't remember one bit of the fucking movie. My mother, who had been visiting for the weekend, had tried to talk to me about the plot afterward and I had just had to bluff it the whole way.

Rosalie fucking Cullen.

She was like a fucking wart on the finger of my life.

Ugh.

I just left the coffee shop with no coffee. Fuck it. I couldn't risk that blonde head turning and having to endure that disdainful expression for even one second. I never quite figured out who she thought she was. Some Queen of Sheba complex.

And she reminded me of Edward...

Edward Cullen, her little brother. The first love, okay lets get real, the only love of my pathetic life.

I didn't know which was worse. Forgetting him or remembering him.

He had rocked my fucking world for only 6 months but it had changed everything.

I had changed when I lost him.

It had always been a fucked up relationship, on again off again. The chemistry had been so intense but we both just kept letting ourselves get in the way. Then I had just got hurt too much. Losing him, and the way I lost him was so hard to recover from. I had replayed our last conversation over and over, maybe I had over reacted, maybe I expected too much. He had let me down before and I'd bounced back. Why hadn't I tried harder? Maybe it was my fault.

He had been in so much pain too. The last time I saw him before he left for good had been agony. His face was so tormented, I would see his eyes staring at me from the back of my dads police car every night when I closed mine. He had set fire to the art room and no-one understood the significance of that but me.

I swear to fucking whatever is in charge of this fucked up universe that my heart broke right down the middle when I saw that happen. Everything just went insane, kids running from the building like there was a bomb. Then Edward, he was just standing there as the blaze took hold. It only took two teachers, I don't remember which ones, to put it out with the school extinguishers so its not like it was a massive fire. But it was enough. I thought he looked as fucked up as I was inside and I wanted to run to him and tell him I was sorry but he was just grabbed by the police before I could even get my feet under me. They dragged him off like he was a dangerous criminal and I wanted to scream _its my fault_.

I couldn't get any words out. All the students crowded around me to get a better view and I was enveloped into the baying mob. Fuckers.

I just wished I could turn back time. Every time Jacob touched me I flinched a little, feeling like a traitor. It was such bullshit, I had _nothing_ to feel bad for.

But no matter how hard I tried to get into it I just couldn't. Something inside me was missing. Maybe it was my sense of loyalty or something, maybe it was my heart. Whatever it was seriously fucked me up.

I didn't want to tell anyone but it ate me up inside. So I told Jacob. As always, being the best friend I've ever had he had just held me and told me everything would be okay. I'd believed him, he had never ever let me down before.

Jacob just loved me, as I was. Broken or unbroken he had never cared.

We had really made a go of things together. It had seemed at one point that nothing would get in the way, that I would get over this and be okay again. Sometimes I wished I had never even met Edward Cullen, I knew I would have been happy with Jacob Black. Sometimes it felt like I had been on the path to meet Jake and Edward was the one who had fucked that up.

Regardless anyway, I had not really ever managed to get over Edward....

I had fallen so hard.

Poor dear Jacob tried to catch me but he just couldn't hold on...

***

It had all started when I jumped out of the car at the traffic lights leaving Edward behind and running to the security of Jacob's arms. It was such a relief. I really really meant it too. I couldn't take another day of misery and I was convinced in that moment that being with Edward meant misery.

_I hadn't tried living without him though._

The first few days were fine. Me and Jacob. I just dove in head first, happy as larry - not a fucking problem. Edward fucking Who?

Then I crashed.

When Edward burned the art room everything just went haywire in my head. When I heard he'd run away from home I nearly went insane. I thought the worst _could_ happen. I couldn't get images of him killing himself in various ways out of my head. Edward hanging, Edward floating in a lake, Edward in a bath of blood. High dramatics but I couldn't help it I was so out of control of my feelings. I became convinced that giving him up so flippantly would come back to haunt me. I didn't notice that it already was.

My sensible self was all over that with _Bella he wanted to get expelled and make a point to you with the whole art room thing_ but my dramatic self was whispering _he is gonna do himself in and its all your fault. _

The thought would make me vomit. Jacob was beside himself, happily backing off the whole romance thing until he found out what was bugging me. Though I think he knew deep down anyway.

When I told him he was amazing. He drove straight to the Cullens house and called Mrs Cullen outside to ask her out straight. She was quite happy to tell him, said he'd gone to live with a friend to sort his options out, said he was doing well. There was nothing more to it, according to her.

The relief when I heard Edward was okay, alive anyway, was immense. My stomach unknotted and I was able to eat without being sick. Jesus I hadn't known I was so vulnerable to my own fucking brain.

And then there was dearest Jacob.

After a month of watching me cry and puke over my ex boyfriend he asked me if I'd prefer to take things slowly with him and see how it went. I had just nodded and started crying again. I asked him to have patience, I was completely honest with him. I told him I felt responsible for Edward's pain and also hurt that he hadn't even fucking fought for me.

I was confused, I told Jacob. I told him that didn't mean I didn't really want to be with him though, and_ I meant that_. I had made the right decision for my head. Being with Edward was just too much of a mind fuck. I had made the wrong decision for my heart though and it ached for Edward. So did my body. No matter what I had told myself, the fucking amazing perfection of me and Edward Cullen together could not be matched.

Jacob, I would imagine, knew there was no point in trying and we were pretty much just hug buddies for most of our time as a couple.

The love and patience Jake showed me solidified what I had always known, Jake was my best friend in the world. Romantic inclinations or not, he fucking loved me for myself more than he had ever wanted me for my body.

That was a fucking blessing because I couldn't have taken any shit from him on top of the shit I was giving myself over the whole mess.

The regret of dumping Edward would not ease up. The pain of the fact that he hadn't fought for me, though, was ten times worse. I couldn't believe everything we'd had had been so inconsequential that he had just moved on. Without even a goodbye. How could I have been so worthless to him?

He had given up on us as much as I had, and that really fucking hurt. I suppose running into Jacob's arms on the spur of the moment like I had must have felt pretty final to him, but still..._to just give up_.

I really had to come to terms with the clear fact that I had not meant as much to Edward as he had to me. That was the reason I had bailed on him, and that was the reason I had to get over him.

So I really worked on that.

I got myself a part time job, started taking showers again, started eating again. I just kept telling myself _This will get better_. My poor heart tried to take that in, and eventually it began to feel like that could be true.

Jake and I dated but never really took off, things had never really got past heavy petting either. For reasons unknown somehow me and Jacob were always doomed to be complete fucking failures in the bedroom. It was so good to have arms to sink into at the end of a day and I became part of the family in Quilayette. After about seven months, spurred by the knowledge that we would be parting ways to go to college, we just called it what it was... a very affectionate friendship.

***

So there I was, standing outside the coffee shop. Rosalie Cullens ugly fucking mug putting me in bad humor for yet another day.

Suddenly, and I am not sure why, I looked behind me to where the traffic had stopped at the first set of lights coming into town.

_Silver Volvo._

My heart fell like a rock to my stomach and disgusting hot prickles of sweat stung my chest. I started to shake.

_It couldn't be..._

As the car drove by, the tinted windows confirmed my horrified suspicion. That was Edward's car.

He was back.


	3. Chapter 3

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend _

_Somewhere along in the bitterness _

_And I should have stayed up with you all night _

_Had I known how to save a life _

* * *

_Edward_

_

* * *

  
_

Alice was out the door and had my door open before I'd even put the car in park.

She hugged me as I unclipped my seat belt and then made my exit from the car feel like a challenge from The Krypton Factor. Its hard to hug someone when they are jumping up and down but she didn't seem to notice that.

Alice and I were good. I'd been in San Diego about a week when she rang me. She was so sorry for her part in my misery, though in fairness to her it had never been about her. It had always been Rose. Alice was as intimidated by Rose as anyone. That conversation had been great for my sanity. Having someone else confirm that it wasn't all in my head. Rosalie was a bully and I hadn't been the only one to suffer it.

Don't get me wrong Alice was still the little bitch she had always been, but there was also a sweet side to her. I'd never really blamed her for any of it anyway.

I suppose I'd never really blamed Rosalie either, if I was honest about it. After a few months in San Diego I knew who was to blame for everything and that was myself. I had taken everything so seriously. Except the one thing that I should have.

Suddenly Alice's grip lessened and she shook her little head in that way she did when she was excited.

I turned to see Jasper step out of the car. He took one look at Alice and a smile broke out on his face so big I thought it must be hurting him.

"Well, hello" He said drumming on the roof of my car with his palms.

Alice actually fucking pushed me out of the way, and then without dropping her gaze from Jasper once whispered, "What have you brought us Ed?"

"Alice this is Jasper, Jasper my sister Alice"

"Sister ey?" Jasper said, slinking around the car to take Alice's hand and planting a kiss on it.

She giggled.

I rolled my eyes to heaven, this was exactly what I had expected to happen, there was no need to kid myself.

"Okay Jazz" I said grabbing him in a headlock and walking him across the yard to the front door all the while with Alice skipping alongside, "We can continue introductions later, we just need a small chat first"

I'd had to practically remove Alice from my bedroom with force. When she'd finally left Jasper had thrown himself across my floor and screamed into the carpet. Then he'd jumped up and grabbed me by the face whispering like a mad man, "How could you keep her from me? Eddie baby, she is...a goddess!"

I grabbed his wrists and peeled his hands from my cheeks, "That's my sister Dude" I couldn't but smile.

Jasper's eyes glazed over, "That's my wife..." He made a gurgling sound in his throat and let his eyes roll up into his head.

I laughed and shook my head, pushing him back to fall on the huge bean bag that had somehow made its way from Emmett's room to mine in my absence.

Jasper flailed about for a bit and then settled down. I pointed at him.

"Okay rules Jazz - no humping my relatives okay?"

"Does that, in fact, include humping of the dryer variety?" He asked looking at me through an imaginary telescope.

"All varieties Dude" I elaborated, "I need to stick around here for a while and so no activities that could get us evicted, okay?"

Jasper nodded enthusiastically and jumped to his feet. He put three fingers to his forehead, "Scouts honor Eddie, you can count on me!"

I knew I could. That's why I'd brought him here. Not for back up, at least I didn't think so. I hoped I wouldn't regress into Edward the walkover.

I'd brought Jasper here because I needed a wing man. For the first time in our relationship I needed _him_ to flank _me_ in a romantic offensive. I knew there was a possibility I would end up in some sort of altercation with Jacob Black and I also knew that there was a possibility that Bella wouldn't want to hear a word out of my mouth. Jasper had an amazing way with people, and I was lucky that I had him in my corner. It felt like an expedition and I knew the time had come to tell him why we were here and what I had come to do.

"So I have to get her back" I finished telling an enraptured Jasper about my past with Bella Swan. It was hard to keep his attention through the beginning of the story, with Alice popping her head around the door every two minutes to first ask me some ridiculous question and then wave at Jasper.

"Oh dude" Jasper leaned back in the bean bag and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply and loudly through his nose, "you totally have to get her back - the girl sounds like a FOX!"

I raised one eyebrow, "She is...but its not about that, Dude I love her"

Jasper clapped his hands gleefully, like a one year old getting a lollipop, "You got to get her back man" He looked so excited.

I nodded, folding my arms across my chest and pulling my chin in.

I thought for a minute, suddenly feeling world weary after the long drive and the possible battle ahead.

"Fuck" I said under my breath.

"Hey man what's with the expletives? Aren't we happy?" Jasper kicked at my leg with his toe.

"I just haven't a fucking clue how I am going to do this?" I explained, my brain cramping with the realization that I had no plan here. Getting back to Forks in good condition had been as far as I had got. How did I even fucking know Bella was still here? She could be back with her mother wherever that was by now. Balls.

"Hey hey dude" Jasper kicked harder, "Lets just go with the flow for now, we've just got here. I think we should begin by getting to know your family a bit better"

I glared at him, "_What_ did I say?" I sounded like a parent.

"No humping man I got it!" Jasper rolled off the beanbag onto the floor and then crawled up the shelving until he was standing.

"Come on then" I gestured to the door with my head, "Alice!" I called.

The door opened almost immediately and Alice bounced into the room, "Yes?" She said to me but looking at Jasper.

"Would you like to show Jasper to the guest room? And maybe give him a tour of the house so he feels at home?"

They were gone before I finished the last sentence and I ended up talking to the open door.

I shrugged. I'd suspected they'd like each other and that was okay with me once he kept it clean.

I heard movement in the room next to mine and I steeled myself. Walking quickly to the door up the hall, I knocked on it before I could change my mind.

Rosalie opened it, her face slightly red and pretending to be busy with a pile of clothes in her hand. She looked at me.

"Not going to say hello?" I said

"What's this? The prodigal son returns?" _Jesus the girl couldn't help herself._

"Nice to see you too Rose" I said and turned on my heel.

I heard her inhale as if to reply but instead she just shut the door after me.

Some things never change.

***

"Wheres Emmett?" I asked Alice when after a long hunt I found herself and Jasper in the office where she was setting him up with a Skype account so he could 'visit' his parents without even leaving Forks. She was happy for him to stay the whole summer it appeared. I made a mental note to remind Jazz of his promise to me, and also to tell him that my father would not appreciate a friend I had brought home spooning his daughter.

"Emmett is gone hunting with Laurent this weekend" She said, "Laurent's dad has a license for deer over in Omak so they went yesterday, Emmett is stoked because they'll be using cross bows, it makes me want to barf thinking about it"

"Ugh." I agreed. I couldn't stomach the thought. Emmett was such a Neanderthal.

"Edward is on a bit of a hunt himself" Jasper said suddenly and then smacked his hands over his mouth to stop himself.

I glared then turned to Alice's inquisitive face, "I'm not." I said firmly.

Alice shook her head, she knew exactly what Jasper was talking about, "I don't know Ed, that sounds like a bad idea" She said, "I see her around, you know..."

For some reason that made my insides lurch and tense up. The sudden realization, though of course I had known it somewhere, that Bella had been living and breathing this whole time. Walking around Forks.

It seemed impossible. My mission got even more huge. All the time I had spent thinking about Bella had been from my past with her. Now one little sentence from Alice and I suddenly got to grips with the fact that Bella had a whole year without me under her belt. She most likely thought _nothing much_ of me now.

I mean, I had obviously known the girl was alive. I just hadn't pictured it much. I had put her in a little time capsule and kept her exactly the same. I had thought my battle would be a big one, probably having to go through Jacob Black, and probably having to deal with a lot of shit from Bella, but hearing Alice say so flippantly that she sees Bella around made me suddenly realise that I could be laughed out of the game before it had even started. That was something I had never considered. I had kept Bella as '_Angry-little-hurt' Bella._

I had kept her as '_Was-just-in-love-with-me-two-seconds-ago'_ Bella.

Suddenly she was '_I-went-out-with-this-loser-once_' Bella or worse '_Oh-Edward-god-I'd-forgotten-about-you-have-you-met-my-fiancee_' Bella.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

"How is she?" I asked, my voice catching in my throat and making me cough.

"Still with Jacob Black I think" Alice said, wrinkling her nose with the disgust of having to be the one to say it, "I see them together all the time, they went to prom together, pretty _together_ you know?"

I nodded.

Shit.

Fuck.

Balls.

Jasper swatted at my nose. I grimaced.

"Eddie, my love, that means nothing" He said dramatically and Alice giggled, "Faint heart never won fair sex-pot" Alice frowned a bit at that but then giggled.

In his weird wisdom he was right, there was no point in giving up. Obviously I had to try. There was no reason not to. That's what I'd come home to do. The old me may have shrugged and slunk off but I was different. I _wanted_ hurdles. I _wanted_ barriers. I deserved them. I deserved to have to fight for her. All was fair in love and war after all.

I just needed to see her, and alone. I wanted to just...explain. Or something. Whatever it was that I needed to do to get her in a mind-frame that included possibly letting me in again, to her heart and of course to her pants. I nearly got a boner thinking about it and quickly imagined my aunt Florence naked to quell the physical reaction I got when thinking about fucking Bella sometime in the future. The thoughts of never fucking her again were far too painful to even allow slip into my head.

"Right" I said clapping my hands together and rubbing the palms together, "Lets eat something first before the dueling and sex-pot recovering begins"

"That's my boy" said Jasper, patting me on the back and waggling his eyebrows at Alice.

"There isn't a slice of bread in this whole house Ed" Alice said dejectedly, "We'll have to go out to eat"

"Well, Forks is out" I said firmly, "I don't want to just bump into anyone..."

They both nodded, that was obvious.

"Port Angeles" Alice offered, making her cute face which actually made Jasper hiss with whatever lustful thought she incited. I slapped him hard on the back of the head.

We all agreed that Port Angeles was the best option and after extracting Jasper from the back seat where he had crawled in with Alice and placing him in the passenger seat, we headed for Port Angeles. Alice chose a nice little cafe style restaurant on East Front Street, "Its lovely in here, its half-bookshop half-restaurant" She said, as we pulled up outside "I've only been once and it was for breakfast but it was really good"

"Cool" I said and parked around the side.

It was a really nice place. Bookshelves on every wall bowing from hundreds of paperbacks, the tables were printed with famous titles and quotes and the menus were little old fashioned novellas, pages replaced with lists of the food on offer. It was cool.

We fought over choice of starters. Jasper liked to go "Halvey-halveys" which is something I was used to but it took Alice a minute to understand what he meant.

"Oh you want to share" She said finally getting it, and leaning across the table to whisper "I'll share with you"

I pushed her back by her forehead. "Do I need to separate you two?" I said jovially, beginning to relax and breathe for the first time since we got here.

A friendly waitress with the biggest chest I had ever seen approached the table, "What can I get you darlings?" She said. Jasper didn't even catch my eye. Jesus he_ was _on his best behavior.

He ordered for all of us, "We'll have the cactus skins, loaded and the calamari with lime mayo... oh and the chicken wings. Then 3 steaks please. I'll have mine bloody."

I asked for medium and Alice did too. The waitress filled our glasses with water and left us alone again.

We chatted and laughed our way through the wait for our food. I got pretty involved in reading the quotes on our table when suddenly I heard Alice gasp and a plate of cactus skins banged off the table. The waitresses pale hand shook as she whacked the second plate down, it jittered and clanked against the other as she pushed it toward the centre.

My heart went cold and I almost couldn't believe my fucking eyes. I wanted to gouge them out.

_Bella._

Fuck. No. _Not here._

Hot blush on her little white cheeks, and there was a glimmer of tears in her angry eyes as she attempted to put the plates down in front of us without breaking any.

This was the fucking worst. I couldn't breathe.

I tried to stand and take the plates, tried to help.

Then she looked at me.

Jesus. My insides went to lead.

She looked so furious but humiliated too. Her eyes seemed darker than I had remembered, and her hair was lighter and softer around her face. She was thinner too. Around her face, the softness was gone. It made her more beautiful than ever and the rush of feelings overwhelmed me. I wanted to fucking kill myself for being here, in her fucking workplace. She probably thought we'd come on purpose.

FUCK.

Jasper whispered that there may be an alcohol issue among the staff here and so I elbowed him in the ribs.

Bella put the last plate down, resisting my attempt to take it from her.

Alice spoke frantically, completely seeing the horror I was feeling, "Bella! I didn't know you worked here, cool place!" She tried to sound normal but it didn't. Bella gave her a long look. Then she just turned on her heel and walked away to the kitchen and was gone.

I wanted to curl up in a ball. Worst fucking possible reunion. She must think I came on purpose, to humiliate her. That's what I would fucking think if it was me.

Alice looked at me with a sympathetic face. I had to ask, "Alice did you...?"

She shook her head vehemently, "Ed I swear."

Jasper looked back and forth between us. Then he looked toward the kitchen door for about five seconds as his brain fit the jigsaw together. "Ohhhhhh sex-pot?" He asked, finally getting it.

"That was Bella" I confirmed.

"She's hot" He said, tucking into a cactus skin.

I couldn't eat. I had to get out of here.

"Alice I have to go, this is too fucked up" I said, pushing Jasper out of the booth and getting out myself, "Text me when you're done and I'll come back, cancel my food"

Jasper raised his hand, "No, no I'm sure your food will be fine with me"

I prodded his shoulder, "And my sister?"

Alice giggled.

"She will be fine with me too" Jasper smiled. Fuck it. It was a public place, what could Jazz possibly do with my sister there. Before my brain could rethink that I left the restaurant.

The night air was startling and I pulled my jacket around my ears. Fuck I needed a cigarette and that surprised me. I hadn't smoked in a long time. I walked around to my car which I'd parked in the lot next to the restaurant but I couldn't get in, my stomach felt sick and my head was still swimming from seeing her. Bella.

Jesus it was like seeing a ghost or something, my heart was still racing.

I leaned my forehead against the cool rim of my car door. It was calming and I stood there for a minute.

Then I heard it, the sound of glass smashing and a familiar little gasp from behind me.

I turned, light from the restaurant kitchen flooding out into the car-park and there she stood, wine bottles smashed around her feet.

_Bella._

_***_

_

* * *

_

* * *

_**A/N There is something really bugging me, and I know it is bugging you guys too - the fact that Emmett and Rosalie are brother and sister. That happened when I wasn't putting much thought into writing If a Tree Falls and was just going with the flow, I just named the siblings and wrote the story. Toward the last chapters it really started to bug me and I know it is weird. However there is not really anything I can do about it now... I did consider going back and changing Rosalies name to Victoria or something but it would probably confuse everyone so I think I am better just leaving it as it is. Anyway I just wanted acknowledge it, I know its weird too! I did it without thinking the story through!! *slaps own hand***_

_**Thanks for reading and make sure to review!! I don't want to make any more silly mistakes in this one and you guys are the ones who can spot them - When I'm writing its often like... I can't...see the forest for the trees!! HA HA!!**_

_**Xxxxx MLWE xxxxxX**_


	4. Chapter 4

_I know I left too much mess and destruction_

_To come back again_

_And I caused nothing but trouble_

_I understand if you can't talk to me again_

_And if you live by the rules of it's over_

_Then I'm sure that that makes sense_

_But I will go down with this ship_

_And I won't put my hands up and surrender_

_There will be no white flag above my door_

_I'm in love and always will be_

_

* * *

_

_Edward_

* * *

My knees nearly buckled when I saw Bella standing at the door but I held myself together. Then before I could stop myself I had moved to be closer to her. I stood less than two feet away from her. From Bella. I had so much to say. I couldn't fuck this up.

Her little white face looked up at me with such confusion. She could feel it too. The heat between us, that I had fucking dreamed about, was still there. It was palatable. I tried to remember the lines, the words that I had practiced over and over. My mind was blank.

Something about a sorry...

I couldn't stop myself, I just walked up to her and just fucking kissed her.

I smashed my mouth onto hers, I couldn't fucking help it. Over a year of wanting it so badly, it all just exploded. She still tasted the same. She still smelled the same. I ran my hands into her hair, held the back of her neck, snaked my arms around her back.

I grabbed her tighter and then, sweet mercy, she fucking yielded to me. Her little mouth opened, and I just fucking went insane. I practically tried to eat her. I couldn't get enough, and couldn't get it fast enough. I crushed her up against the wall, just one step back. I grabbed her leg and hitched it around mine, holding it and pushing my body into hers.

She fucking moaned and I almost exploded with joy. My mind raced. Was this it? Was my battle won? Something told me no. I could feel a wetness on her cheeks and I opened my eyes a little to confirm that she was crying. That threw me, and I paused.

Her eyes fluttered open and then she pulled away, her head swinging back and forth in the most obvious gesture of disapproval I'd ever seen.

"Stop it" Bella muttered under her breath. Then she put two hands on my chest and pushed me away with such force I nearly fell over.

"Get away from me" She spat. I just stood there, ringing in my ears.

I was indignant, but didn't let it show. Jesus I had felt her body against mine again and the chemistry was there. It flowed as naturally as it had before. It was like a drug to me. My own personal brand of heroin.

I would not be living without it. Not anymore. I stepped toward her again with my hands out by my sides.

"You stay the fuck away from me Edward" Bella shouted, wringing her hands and then rubbing her mouth with the back of my hand. What? Did she think I was poison?

"I need to tell you..." I spluttered, still trying to hear my own voice over the sound of my heartbeat which was thumping loudly in my ears.

She walked straight up to me and glared into my eyes. The wind whipped her hair from her shoulders, showing me that long neck that I just longed to kiss. I'd dreamt about that neck.

Her shoulders hunched and she crossed her arms. "You don't need anything" She stated, her mouth in a defiant line, "Not from me. So stay the fuck away from me" She stepped back, "Oh and Cullen? Try something like that again and I'll fucking slap your face"

Then she turned away and walked back into the restaurant, slamming the door behind her.

My ego was incredulous. How was she not falling all over me after a kiss like that?

But somewhere inside me, somewhere in the ancient part of me, I was delighted. I _wanted_ to win her back. Not open my door to a wrapped up present with her inside. _I wanted to fight for her. _ Thats what I should have done a year ago. I needed this. _ I wanted this._ This would make my change complete. I would fight to win Bella back and in doing that I would be a whole person. The old me would be completely gone.

It wouldn't be right if she just jumped on board.

I got into my car and let the seat right back. I lay there, sticking my nose into my jacket sleeve trying to retrieve any trace of her scent from it. I was so fucking fueled up after a year of dreaming about it, actually kissing her, feeling her body again. My jeans were restricting against my hard on but what could I do, jerk off in the car park of the restaurant? No. I tried to think of other things. _Archery_. Bella naked with an apple on her head. _Fencing_. Bella in fencing gear. Jesus, that was unexpectedly sexy. _Cars_. My car. Bella in my car. Sweet fuck, I was tormented.

It was hopeless. I was doomed to have a permanent hard on.

I thought about Jazz and Alice making goo-goo eyes in the restaurant at each other. Bingo. I deflated.

Hard on gone and back to the issue.

My mind raced again. I could not believe that a few moments before I had Bella in my arms and fuck, I was kissing her. Feeling her body against me. It had been sweet heaven, but stepping back there even for the few seconds had reminded me just what hell I lived in without her.

I pushed my hair back with both hands. I felt manic. I was both in heaven and hell at the same time.

What the fuck must Bella think of me? I was some rapist or fucking animal?

I thought through every step of the kiss. I defined every moment of it in my head. She hadn't resisted when I had grabbed her, but did I grab her or did she fall into my arms? It was neither one nor the other. Had I just ravaged her or was it a two way street? I played it through blow by blow. _She had definitely kissed me back._ I remembered her tongue moving across mine and then she had definitely sucked my lip. It was subtle but I had felt it. She couldn't deny that to herself. I couldn't deny it to myself. She had wanted me.

My phone buzzed. In the struggle to get it out of my pocket I imagined it was Bella. Like she used to. _Come and get me. _

It was Alice.

**We're ready.**

***

I resisted the urge to look into the restaurant for Bella when they came out. There was a hard silence for a while which Alice was the first to break, "Jesus Edward, I can't believe Bella works there" She said, "I just can't believe it"

I awkwardly patted her hand that she had rested on my shoulder, "Don't worry about it Alice, I was bound to bump into her"

"Yeah" Alice agreed, "but not like that, it was awful - did you see how upset she was"

"She was foxy" He said, intoning the y with a _heh_ sound.

I looked across at him and he grinned. There was something Jasper could do for me that I was sure was a gift of sorts. No matter how highly wound up I was, no matter how upset, just a husky one liner from him and that grin and I was instantly relaxed again. It was magical.

He made everything, even the worst times, feel like they were the good times. Like we were all part of some great movie and this was just the sad bit. Jasper Whitlock - comic relief.

I pulled in at the McDonalds at the end of East Front Street and got myself a double cheeseburger and a chicken burger.

"How can you not get fries?" Jasper said with a horrified look on his face, "That's just so fucked up man, you can't just get burgers and no fries at all, dude thats like getting a baked potato with nothing fucking in it man...its almost illegal"

I ignored him but it cheered me again. His logic was fascinating.

I was so glad he was with me. Without his calm nature permeating my tendency to over react and go helter skelter, God knows what state I'd be in now. The thing that just happened with Bella was flying around my head. If only Alice and Jasper fucking knew!

I wolfed the food down as I drove. Alice was almost asleep by the time we got home and Jasper was still rabbiting on about the rights of fries to be a compulsory side.

I made sure Alice was in bed before I said goodnight to Jasper. I stuck a piece of white paper where I had written _Don't fucking hump my sister_ to the back of his door and left him for the night.

My room seemed huge and filled with a million regrets when I closed the door behind me.

The last day we'd been together flooded into my memory, into my senses. The hard carpet under me, her little arms begging me, coaxing me to love her. I had been so selfish. The memory of it made me double over and I had to lean on my bed. It was times like this I wished I was a crier. Living with Emmett as a brother had trained any of those tendencies right out of me. Now it felt as though a huge knot of tears was balling in my stomach and I would have done anything to just let them out. I was not capable of that still.

Regret. Fucking sucky regret.

I lay down on my bed, stretching out my legs to try to alleviate the gnawing in my stomach.

I stared at the ceiling.

Memories of Bella filled my head.

I was content with that, the slow motion pictures of her moving through that six months of my life were comforting.

Then the image of her outside the restaurant tonight came into my head and I pitched onto my side. It actually hurt to think about it.

What a mind-fuck.

I knew, I just fucking knew she wanted me. I just fucking knew it. She had fucking kissed me back. She fucking _had_.

In the midst of all the brain-warp I heard a thump on the front door. Then again.

I heard Alice's little feet pad by lazily.

Garbled voices.

Alice's feet pattering up the stairs, a hurried knock and she practically fell into my room.

Her eyes were so wide I sat up straight, "What?" I asked.

"Fuck Edward" She whispered urgently, shocking me - Alice never cursed, "Its Police Chief Swan at the door and he wants to talk to you"

***

* * *

_**A/N - Thank you so much for all the great reviews! It means a lot! Keep 'em coming!! They spur me to type faster!**_

_**Song is White Flag by Dido...**_


	5. Chapter 5

_It's been a long year  
Since you've been gone  
I've been alone here  
I've grown old  
I fall to pieces, I'm falling  
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling_

_Every time I'm falling down  
All alone I fall to pieces_

_

* * *

  
_

_Bella_

* * *

_He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. He's back. _

Oh my fucking brain. It actually felt like my skull was being crushed.

I couldn't fucking think straight. Eventually I had to tell Angela that I had to go home early. Period pains. It didn't work, she just looked past me to where _he_ was and looked at me with that _can't fool me_ look she was so good at. I had barely got the words out without bursting into tears.

Angela totally got it though, so that was good.

"Just do the recycling and go home" She'd whispered, "I'll just say we weren't busy so I sent you home if James asks"

"Thanks" I'd said, and half hugged her, "I just...I just can't"

"Its cool Bella" She'd nodded, "I get it"

Of course she did, Jesus she'd seen the state of me over the last year. She was my only girlfriend in this town, and I'd really grown to love having one. we hadn't been too close until the end of school when she just took me under her wing, I always suspected Jacob had asked her to. Poor broken hearted Bella.

I had been so glad of it. Someone to whine to. It was a miracle she was still my friend after all the whining I had done. Her own life was picture perfect. How she put up with me I do not know...

I'd grabbed the couple of wine bottles and some cardboard that was the recycling and gone out the back door. My car was parked right at the door and so I was planning to dump the recycling and just go. I grabbed my bag as I left.

I came backwards out the door, pushing the door open with my hip, dumped my bag just at the entrance and then turned a full circle to drop the bottles into the recycling bin.

I'd dropped them on the ground instead.

_Edward._

Fuck. He spun around and it was like I caved inside. I couldn't move. There was no distraction, no need to whisper, no one around. I wanted to just run back in but I couldn't and then he was less than a foot away and I just wanted to collapse into him. It just felt so right, I wanted to reach out and touch his jacket. Pull it to me and inhale his scent, that had been so far out of reach the last year. The feel of his neck on my cheek, the smoothness and then the harsh stubble.

I could taste him in the air.

He looked the same, a little less pale. His hair was slightly shorter. It had all been such a blur twenty minutes back inside the restaurant. This was so clear.

Then it all just went fast forward and before I could think past breathing his mouth was on mine and everything kicked in. Muscle memory or something but it was like there had never been a break, like I'd only done this with him yesterday. I suppose in my head I had. There had not been a night where I did not replay my time with Edward, blow for blow.

It was amazing how easy it was to just kiss him back. I was fucking made for this man, it seemed. I dropped my jaw, allowing my mouth to open slightly and then I slid my tongue into his for a millisecond. He felt it and suddenly I was up against the wall, his hand sliding down my leg, lifting it around him and pressing into me. The feel of his hard-on made me long for him even more and I groaned. He crushed me into the wall, it was so wild. He grabbed my ass and lifted me into him. It took everything I had not to just let it all go but I suddenly got so fucking angry.

I just got so fucking mad and upset.

I stopped kissing him and pushed him away so hard I even surprised myself.

I couldn't speak, my eyes were filled with tears. What the fuck was happening? This was so fucked up. A year ago I just wanted him to love me. It felt like much longer. _A year ago_. It was too fucking late.

It was too. Fucking. Late.

As I drove home I couldn't even remember what I had spat at him before I'd stormed back into work, locking myself into the bathroom with a pain in my head that felt like I'd been hit by a hammer.

The deep ache in my abdomen still hadn't ceased.

Why did he have to be so fucking handsome? He just lit up every fucking nerve in my whole body just by existing.

When he'd turned in the darkness outside it was like my body recognized him.

Like pavlov's fucking dog. I'd fucking salivated.

My body just reacted, my clit had spasmed and the tops of my legs had followed suit, with that delicious tightness that I got only from being near to Edward.

I'd sat in the bathroom for close to an hour. Terrified to go back out in case he was still there. I knew I wouldn't have the strength to push him away if he tried that again. I'd be fucking the ass off him before I could even think if he tried that again. There was only so much resistance to Edward Cullen in me.

Angela had found me there close to closing and checked outside. She couldn't believe it had happened. She said "What the...?" over and over as I told her.

It was a strange mix of relief and disappointment when she said he was definitely gone.

I arrived home about two-seconds before my father Charlie and I welcomed the distraction of his arrival after the loneliness of the drive home. His car pulled up behind mine and we stepped out at the same time.

"Hey Dad" I said, locking my door and throwing my keys into my bag.

"Hey Bells" He replied, walking up the drive to where I stood.

"How was work?" We walked to the porch together and Charlie unlocked the front door allowing me through under his arm as he held the door open.

"Same old" He said, shutting the door behind him and taking his jacket off. "Edward Cullen is back in town"

I didn't turn around, "Oh yeah?" I said as nonchalantly as I could.

"Yeah" My dad continued, "I was just over there to have a quick word to him, at his parents house. One of the boys spotted him driving through town earlier."

I didn't react.

"Oh yeah? What's he been up to then?" I heard my voice catch and cleared my throat as indiscreetly as I could.

Charlie put his gun and holster in their cubby and sat heavily into the couch, pulling his boots off and propping his feet up on the coffee table.

"Well, I just went over there to have a word, since last time he was in town he pretty much gave us the only file in the arson section...so I wanted to just let him know he was to behave himself. He seemed to have pulled his socks up anyhow, wherever he has been, San Diego I think he said."

My response came out like "Hmmmohright" but Charlie didn't seem to notice anything strange. The sweat beading on my forehead, the catch in my throat, my shaking hands - he noticed none of it. I supposed why would he? He had never known how much pain I had been in over Edward, on the outside seeing me happily dating his best friends son, getting a job, I seemed fine. Sure I'd lost a bit of weight but he'd never noticed, or did but thought it was no big deal.

"Had a good chat with him actually. He seems to have grown up quite a bit"

I couldn't resist a _psht_ sound at that. Charlie looked across at me, intently, "You and him had a thing did you? Before Jacob?"

I didn't answer, I just started flicking through a magazine that my mother had left on her last visit. She was down so often I was beginning to wonder if it was only me she missed.

"Anyway" Charlie uncrossed and recrossed his feet, "I said to him that you were still in town, suggested if he wanted to get back in the gang again he should give you a call"

I nearly choked, "You what?" I sat up straight, "Dad! Jesus why did you tell him that?"

"God almighty Bella there is no need to get so het up, it was just a suggestion to the guy"

"Dad!" I dropped my face into my palms and groaned, "I don't...I really don't have any time for...I hate Edward Cullen. Dad I hate Edward Cullen."

"Well, I didn't know that" Charlie shook his head and grimaced, "I didn't think you were the type to hate people now did I?"

"I'm not...I don't" I sighed. What on earth had Charlie said to Edward? Jesus was the guy going to be on my doorstep tomorrow with a lunchbox waiting for a day out? Fuck. It wasn't Charlies fault, he didn't have any idea. "Its fine Dad, don't take any notice of me. I'm PMSing"

Charlie looked away immediately, "Is that my phone buzzing?" He said hopping to his feet and fustering with his jacket pocket. I smiled, still the same. Even after all these years hearing me talk freely about my bodily functions Charlie still got embarrassed.

"Did you get a text?" I asked, turning my head to peer at him over the back of the couch.

He didn't answer, his thumb on his phone, scrolling down. His face lit up and he gave a quiet cough of contentment.

"Who is it Dad?" I asked again, curious.

"No-one" He replied, "Just your mother" Then he walked into the kitchen while typing a text.

He didn't return and when I went to find him he was on the phone in the den. I left him to it. Probably on to Billy, there'd been some sporting event on surely. They would talk about that for hours.

I got myself a long drink of water and headed to my bedroom.

I sat on my bed for a minute and then I reached under it and pulled out my diary. I hadn't read it in over a year. I flicked through the pages until I found what I was looking for.

A letter I had written to myself.

_Dear Bella, Its me ie you. How are you? Old? Ha ha. Okay this is a bit weird, talking to myself but not myself. I reckon that you won't get around to reading this diary again until you are middle aged. Not will all the fucking you are probably doing! Anyway I just wanted to write down something to mark today. Today was the day that we lost it - our virginity! Holy fuck it was good do you remember? I presume you remember but I just wanted you to really really remember... It was in the art room. At school. With Edward Cullen who I hope we are now married to. We better fucking be married to him actually so if you're not then I'll fucking kick your ass. My own ass? Whatever. My god today was just the best fucking day of my life. I love him. I love him. I fucking love him. He fucking rocks my world. When we were walking out of school after doing it he just grabbed my hand and kissed it. I could have just fucked him there and then in the hall again. I want to scream! I cannot get enough of Edward the sex god Cullen. I just fucking love him, and you better love him too! It has to be. Its meant to be. _

_Lots of Love - YOU xx_

It was so childish, I could barely believe I had written it only a year and a half ago. I traced my fingers over the paper and smiled. I was such a kid at the start of all this. A horny little bitch kid. So excited to be with Edward, so excited about everything. The way it had all been so complicated, but now I saw that had been the best part about it. At the beginning the frustration and the ups and downs. It had been so much fun. It meant more when we finally got together as well. It had been so serious then. Both of us had wanted it so much. It had been amazing.

Not the end though. The end I could not smile at.

Wow, it hit me again - the pain - I had loved Edward so much and he had just not cared about that. The pain rushed over me again, almost as raw as it had been the first time around. I curled into a ball on the floor, ripping the letter from my diary with one swift clutch of my fingers. I scrumpled it into a ball and threw it across the room. I had to stay away from Edward. I had to stay away from the reason behind all this pain.

I could never _ever_ go back there.

I would never go back.

I knew that for sure.

***

* * *

**_A/N Song - 'I fall to pieces' by Velvet Revolver... _**

**_I just wanted to say to all of you who have reviewed Thank you again! I really mean it when i say they keep me so motivated to sort these guys out!_**

**_Thank you! xx_**


	6. Chapter 6

**THIS IS CHAPTER SIX AGAIN. IT IS NOT SHOWING UP AS A CHAPTER SO I AM JUST TRYING THIS. THE REAL CHAPTER 7 WILL BE POSTED LATER TODAY IF I CAN SORT OUT WHATEVER BUG IS HOLDING CHAPTER 6 RANSOM!**

**THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE GUYS!! **

* * *

_Daylight licked me into shape_

_I must have been asleep for days_

_And moving lips to breathe her name_

_I opened up my eyes_

_And found myself alone alone_

_Alone above a raging sea_

_That stole the only girl I loved_

_And drowned her deep inside of me_

_You_

_Soft and only_

_You_

_Lost and lonely_

_You_

_Just like heaven_

_Edward_

I dreamt of Bella.

Twisting and turning in dark water, trapped in the cab of her truck. I never saved her. I'd had this dream so many times, and always the same ending. Her mouth open, her eyes glazed as she jerks and gulps the water into her lungs. I always got the door open too late. It always ended the same. Floating to the top with Bella dead in my arms.

I would snap awake and take a long time to regain my sense of reality.

Tonight had been no exception. Chief Swan coming to the house had fucking freaked me right out. In the short time it had taken me to get my jeans on and get down the stairs I had gone through all my options, should it be that he was to fucking ban me from going near Bella. I imagined him slapping some restraining order on me and that would, in essence, be that.

How on earth would I win her back from 50 feet away?

He stood there on the doorstep and I beckoned him to stand in, shutting the door lightly behind him and then turning to face him and my fate.

"Edward" Chief Swan said, nodding a hello at me.

I nodded hello back, "Chief Swan".

I wanted to burst open and tell him I was so fucking sorry and to please let me see Bella. I'd be good, I would promise.

Instead I just stood my ground, waiting for him to speak first.

"Edward, I just wanted to drop by when I heard you were back" He said and I wondered how much had Bella said, and what had she said. "Officer Brooks had said he had seen you back in town and well, with all what went on before you left, I felt it my duty to come on over here and see you for myself"

I shuffled awkwardly on my feet.

He went on, "You caused quite a bit of trouble with that little stunt you pulled in the school Edward, though to be honest I think most folks were delighted to have something to talk about." He half smiled and then swung his weight onto his hip and pointed at me, not aggressively but with an authority, "Now Edward, you didn't spend the last year getting through your probation just to come back here and get into more trouble" He said it like it was fact.

"Of course not Chief Swan" I said firmly.

"Good to hear" He replied. "Now I'm glad you're back, I don't like the population dwindling for one thing," I laughed at that, and he patted me brusquely on the arm, "You used to hang around with Bella didn't you? You know she is still here and in with the gang, maybe you should give her a call. Get back in the swing of small town life maybe"

I grimaced, sheepishly. If he'd have seen our encounter earlier he wouldn't be saying that. "Thanks Chief Swan" I shook his extended hand firmly, "I've changed, I really have Sir." I wanted to lay that out before anything kicked off with Bella or Jacob. "I'm just home to sort some stuff out, I don't know how long it will take."

He nodded, "Okay. Well, as I said, keep your nose clean as a whistle while you're here"

"I will Sir"

***

Fucking hell.

I had just had a conversation with Bella's father which included the sentence _Give her a call_. I laughed, imagining what would happen if I did. _Hi Bella, its me Edward, your dad said to call you, said you'd show me back around town..._

I took myself to the kitchen, twisting the tap till the freezing water gushed out and then stuck my whole head under it. It felt intense but really good. I stood up, shook my head like a dog and turned to face Alice who I hadn't heard come back down stairs.

"Okaaaay" She said, wrinkling her nose at my dripping head, "Losing your marbles there Edward?"

I didn't answer. She pulled up a breakfast stool and climbed onto it, looking like a little kid climbing onto a chair.

"Well?" She asked, her eyes twinkling with anticipation.

"Well what?" I grabbed a tea towel and scrubbed at my wet hair. I combed my fingers through it, feeling it stand straight up. I had gravity defying hair.

Alice inhaled and rolled her eyes to heaven, "Oh Ed, _what_ do you think? Bella's father?"

"He just wanted to make sure I wasn't here with any more arson plans"

"Oh" She was disappointed?

"What did you want him to be here for? To beat the crap out of me? Jesus Alice"

"No, of course not silly." She hopped down from her stool, "I wanted him to tell you to stay away from Bella"

My jaw dropped, "Why the fuck would you want that?" My face twitched with the incredulity.

"Because Edward, brother dear" She said, raising an eyebrow, "that would mean Bella had been upset over you, and_ that _could onlymean she still loves you. So there."

She prodded me in the chest, "None of us can rewind time Edward, but I'm damn well going to do my best to help you get Bella back. I think I owe you that" She stood on her tippy toes and kissed me on the jaw. It was the best she could do at her height but the gesture really touched me. Then she turned on her heel and skipped out of the kitchen.

I watched until I saw her go into her own bedroom before I relaxed. Having Jasper enraptured with my sister was bringing out a protective brotherly feeling I'd rarely experienced before. I'd known they'd hit it off, I'd thought a lot about it. However the thoughts of them actually hitting it made me feel quite ill. I knew they'd get up to something eventually. Just not here. Just not now. Not on my watch.

I made my way into the lounge, grabbing the remote and flicking to a music channel. Some drum and synth beats echoed around the room. The rhythm was sooting in its mundaneness.

Then I lay across the couch, covered my eyes with my hands and tried to get some hold on a definite plan. At least for my next move anyway.

_Bella. Bella. Bella. _The name whispered through my mind like a whispering wind chime in the distance. I just needed her. I really needed her. It was eating me up.

I couldn't live much longer with this constant knot in my stomach.

A lump formed in my throat and I felt a sting on the back of my eyelids but no tears came. They never did. Instead the knot just got bigger and bigger.

My hands were clammy against my face and I moved them to breathe the clear air. It was not enough, so I got up and pushed the huge door to the terrace open. The night air rushed in, full of heady pine smells and ice. I inhaled it as deeply as I could.

It just reminded me more of her. Those days in the meadow. Her little body tucked into mine, under my big coat for warmth. I could hear her whisper, _I love you Edward_. I grabbed the memory and replayed it over and over. I imagined she was in front of me. What would I say? What could I say?

Nothing...

I had nothing...

Words just didn't seem strong enough to capture the huge emotion involved here. What I felt, what I needed from Bella was so enormous it felt like it was pushing me down. It was too huge to fit inside my head. It exploded outward, brought me to my knees. I was prostrated at its feet.

It consumed me. It attacked me, made my nerves tense. Like I was pumped all the time with adrenalin. It made me feel the need to keep moving all the time. I would need to run tomorrow morning, I thought sketching out a quick route in my head. It helped with the physical side of missing Bella.

I wished I could run now. The fucking tense feeling in my chest, the knot in my stomach. Seeing Chief Swan had made me feel so much fucking worse. I had no fucking clue whether Bella even gave a fucking shit or not. I was presuming she did. Maybe she couldn't care less. The thoughts of that were like shocks to my heart.

I leaned on the window ledge for support. Why was it always at night that I felt so much fucking despair? Daytimes were so much easier.

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. Jasper. I turned.

"You okay man?" His face was full of genuine concern.

What was the point in pretending? "No" I shook my head.

"Hey man..." Jasper slapped my cheek lightly, "Don't get down about it, not now...you can't think straight if you're down...just lets get some sleep and tomorrow dude, tomorrow we will go and get that hot fox back where she belongs"

I nodded and then grabbed my friend into a brotherly hug. He slapped my back and squeezed me till I wheezed for mercy

"It will work out" He said as we let go of each other, "you just need to stop thinking too much about shit"

***

So the nightmare had come again, and I was so relieved when the sun crept over the tops of the trees. I showered for longer than I normally did. The thundering hot water battered my skin. I tried getting off, but as usual I started well - images off Bella straddled across me, moving against me. Hot as hell. But sad images would always creep in, how cruel I'd been. My own voice haunting me. It always ended with that last image of her pleading little face, _Do you want to go to the churchyard_? My voice, No. _No. No._ I could never come after that memory. Fucking frustration. So I'd switch off, go into autopilot, random tits and asses from pornos I'd watched with Emmett as a kid. I came eventually but it didn't satisfy, in fact it just happened. If I hadn't seen it or felt it I'd probably have missed it.

But in that few moments of nothing much I got a clarity that allowed me to think straight. I dropped my dick and grabbed a towel.

A letter. I would send Bella a letter.

***

* * *

**_A/N - Yep its the Cure... Just like Heaven._**

**_Though I have to say I had Damien Rice - The Blowers Daughter playing for the end of this chapter... it is just perfect for Edward._**


	7. Chapter 7

_I know nothing stays the same_

_But if you're willing to play the game_

_Its coming around again_

_So don't mind if I fall apart_

_There's more room in a broken heart_

_Bella_

It was so early when I woke up and I had the feeling that I had heard something. Like a papery thud. So after lying there for a minute and realizing that I would probably not go back to sleep I just decided to get up. It was a bright day, and warm. I'd just get up and have my breakfast in the garden.

I was halfway down the stairs when I saw it and my heart stopped. Just a plain white envelope with my name on it. FUCK. I knew the handwriting and the power of that sloping script took my legs from under me and so I just sat on the stairs fucking staring at it. For twenty minutes.

Finally I resolved the letter wasn't going anywhere and so I picked it up and walked into the kitchen with it. I _wanted_ to put it into the bin. The pain surrounding Edward Cullen and anything that he said had been too much to bear. Even the most wonderful things that he had said to me, even hearing his husky _I love you_'s in my head when I daydreamed was too painful now.

I held it over the open bin for an eternity but I couldn't do it. I _had_ to read it, see what it was he had wanted to say. Why he was back.

I wanted it to say that he was just home for a visit, not to see me, just his family and he hoped we could be civil or whatever.

I wanted it to say that but I dreaded that it _would_ say that.

The desire to see his handwriting forming words that begged me to come back to him surged from the tips of my toes and up through my body like some crazy hiccough. I realised I was sobbing.

Why had I become this broken girl? How? From the strong little teenager I had been two years ago, sassy and in control of her own destiny to _this_. Now I stood here, a weak pathetic woman who depended on one person for her happiness. It was not wise. It was dangerous. I had to get my control back.

I ripped open the envelope by wedging my finger in under the flap and dragging it along the seam. I exposed a thin folded paper, lined. I pulled it out and read what was written there.

One line.

_**Bella, I came back for you. Please. Edward.**_

So it was true. He was here for me. An insane mix of absolute elation and complete fury overtook me. I screamed into my hands, crumpling the paper as I did so.

How could he do this? There would be nothing easier than to just jump into my car and race over there. I imagined it. I would run into his arms and everything would just melt away.

But I _couldn't_ do it. I could not be with Edward again. It had hurt too much the first time.

I never would have known, before, that I was one of those people that couldn't cope with hurt or heartbreak. I would have sworn that I was thick-skinned, hard hearted. It turned out that I wasn't.

I was _her_ - the girl who got hurt and couldn't trust again. At least couldn't trust Edward again.

The facts were shouting at me. _He betrayed you. He left you. He treated you badly_. _He can't have changed in a year, it would take a thousand years for a prick like that to change._

I discarded the letter into the bin, made myself a breakfast and took it out to the yard. It sat there untouched as I cried and cried, head in hands, sitting at the patio table wondering where I had gone and who was this ridiculous lovelorn stereotype I had become?

***


	8. Chapter 8

_And I feel,_

_Like I'm drifting, drifting, drifting from the shore_

_And I feel,_

_Like I'm swimming out to her_

_Edward_

I was in the kitchen when I heard it, the light clunk of the letterbox. I moved to where I had a view of the door and saw a light white envelope on the carpet. I dropped what I was doing and walked to the front door, picking up the letter before swinging the door open to see Bella hurrying down the drive.

She looked back over her shoulder. I called out to her but she fucking started running. My guts wrenched as I ran out after her, practically chased her to her car and grabbed her by the arm. She weaseled out of my grasp and turned two glaring eyes on me.

She inhaled in a soft gasp and color spread through her cheeks when she saw my state of undress. I only had a pair of thin track pants on. No top. No socks or shoes.

"Let me go" She hissed.

"No" I said, gritting my teeth and grabbing her by the jacket, "I fucking won't. You have to talk to me Bella. There is shit to say."

She stood in front of me, the exertion of our wrestle sending her breaths out in long gasps.

"Just fucking leave me alone Edward" She demanded, "I don't want fucking letters, I don't want to fucking talk. I don't want anything"

"What is in here?" I said holding up the envelope.

She just glared at me so I tore the end of the envelope off and pulled out the card. I read it.

"What the fuck is this Bella?" I said waving it at her, my tone taking on a scolding edge even though I tried to keep it in check.

"Its a reply. To your letter."

"It just says _No_."

"Yes, I know what it says Edward" She flicked her hair away from her face defiantly with a shake of her head, "I fucking wrote it"

"What does it mean?" I asked, holding it out to her.

"It means what it says. _No_." She filled her lungs and then exhaled sharply, her mouth forming an indignant O shape that hollowed her cheeks and made her look so fucking beautiful I had to shut my eyes for a second.

"I don't want anything to do with you Edward, I don't want to be with you, or see you or anything. I have no feelings for you whatsoever. I don't know why you think there is anything to come back to" Her voice caught on the word feelings.

I closed my eyes again very deliberately, collecting my thoughts.

"Yes. You do." I stated.

"Excuse me?" Her eyebrows shot up and her jaw dropped with indignation, she narrowed her eyes. "Excuse me?"

"You do. Fucking have feelings. That-" I threw the card at her with a snap of my fingers,

"-proves it. If you didn't fucking care, if you were as apathetic toward my existence as you claim, then you wouldn't have fucking sent this. You sent this because there _are_ feelings. I know there are. I know it Bella."

"You are so fucking conceited." She spat, her shoulders coming up protectively, her arms crossing across her chest. "How dare you Edward? I couldn't care fucking _less_. I don't give one fucking shit about what you do, _who_ you do, or where you are."

"Yes. You. Do." I stood my ground.

She turned and struggled with her keys, I could see her hand shaking as she attempted to get the key into the lock on her car door.

I stepped forward. Putting my hand carefully on her shoulder I slid it down her arm to her shaking hand.

She didn't resist me and I felt her hand relax slightly under my touch so I slid my fingers under and took her keys from her. I transferred them to my other hand and then I slid my fingers in to knit with hers, pulling her hand up to press it to my chest.

She didn't look up. She stood there frozen with her hair falling forward, hiding her face.

I dropped her car keys into my pocket and then with my free hand I reached out and lifted the veil of hair away to expose her face, tucking it behind her ear. She still didn't look up at me. I moved in closer, pulling her hand from my heart and pulling it around my waist. I held it there as I moved in to her snaking my other arm around her waist. I wanted her to look at me, so I dipped my head and dropped my body to her level. I pushed my shoulder so gently against hers and there they were - her deep chocolate eyes steadily moved up my face until we were eye to eye. Her bottom lip quivered. I pulled her to me.

Then quietly and with just a small last bit of resistance she gave in.

She surrendered. I lifted her into my arms, pulling her legs up to cradle her like a child and she naturally laid her head on my shoulder, slinking her arms up around my neck.

I carried her to my room, going in the back way to avoid running into Alice or Jasper. The fire escape led directly to my terrace.

The whole way there I said nothing, and Bella said nothing. There was an unspoken agreement. She was giving up the fight and I needed to let her know how I felt. I needed to show her.

Her tiny hands held my neck tightly as I ascended the iron staircase, and her face was smashed into my neck with little warm breaths condensing on my skin. The feel of her there in my arms was so fucking right. I just had to make sure this didn't get fucked up. I resolved to just keep my fucking mouth shut for now.

My bed was unmade, but I didn't care. With my free hand I pulled the comforter right off and then I laid Bella down the middle, as far in as I could without bouncing her off the fucking mattress like a rag-doll. Her legs hung off the bed and so I could stand on the floor, leaning across her to kiss her mouth as softly as I could. It was barely a kiss, I brushed my lips across hers, letting my tongue dip gently into the parting and against her tongue.

She returned the teasing kiss, moving her nose across mine. Like a little butterfly her mouth moved on my face. She kissed my jaw, my neck.

I could barely fucking look at her. Her gaze was so deep it fucking nearly broke my heart. I needed to show her, how sorry I was and how much she meant to me. I needed to show her how much I needed her. I fucking needed her.

I put my hand against her heart, feeling the beats under my palm, and then I slowly unbuttoned her thin cotton top. I remembered this top, it was the one she wore over a year ago when I first felt her body around mine. I wished I could tell her I remembered but I couldn't fucking speak. My throat was thick with emotion.

Under it she had this thin lacy top, and no bra, I ran my fingers across the pattern and then dipped my head and kissed her breast through the lace. I was trying to be as careful as I could not to just jump her fucking bones.

I sensed there was a very fine line in this situation between having her and not having her and if I crossed that line Bella would be running for the door. I couldn't risk that.

I kept my eyes locked on hers, lifting her slightly off the bed with one arm and rolling the hem of her vest up, pulling her top off and then the vest with one movement. Then I stood and pulled off her shoes, grabbed her belt and popped the buckle. She didn't flinch, she just looked at me. It was hardly romantic, taking off her shoes and pants, but I tried to do it as softly as I could.

Then I paused. She lay naked on my bed, where she belonged, where I had fucking dreamed she would be again. One hand was on her stomach, the other was sheltering her eyes from a beam of sunlight that came in my window. I moved into the beam and she dropped her hand. It took all my will power not to just grab her and fuck the shit out of her. Lust powered me, my muscles were tense and I could barely breathe. The air rushing in and out of me felt like hot steam. I was so fucking fueled.

I kicked my track pants off. She allowed her eyes to flicker across my body, pausing when she came to my hard on and then she flicked her eyes back to mine again. The slightest smile, a resigned comforting smile crossed her lips. An invitation.

I dropped forward onto my hands, allowing my hair to fall forward to drift over her breasts, and I kissed little paths across her stomach. Her fingers traced my cheek as I pulled my face away again to look at her.

"Hi" She whispered and I thought I would die then and there. I dropped my cheek to her chest and listened to her heart for a moment.

We moved so softly against each other, I was afraid to blink, to look away for long in case she would dissolve into the air.

I traced the lines of goosebumps on her arm with my mouth, pressing my face into her neck and then moving up to her mouth. I brushed against it with my lips, hovering just a millimeter away, our breaths mingling. It was so slow, but when I finally kissed her it was with an ache that cut through me, I wanted her so much but I couldn't rush her. I crushed my body into hers, and she finally let me in.

Pushing into Bella again was like finding an oasis in the dessert. Her hot warm little cave taking me in. The way she exhaled through her nose as I leaned forward onto my elbows made me thrust a little too quickly, and I had to stop, to hold myself there in her irresistible heat until I could compose myself and start again. This was so fucking important, any sign of impatience or selfishness from me could be the difference. I could feel how fragile this union was, she may have surrendered but one foot wrong from me could see her change her mind. Apart from the fact that I didn't want to be fucking walking around with balls the size of lemons all day, I also felt that if I could just get her to stay and let me do this with her, then the battle would be over and we would be okay.

So I just held it all back, the urge to grab her round the waist and bounce her off my dick till I exploded. I held out. I moved for _her_, thinking of only _her_.

I felt like I was drowning and flying at the same time. This was so difficult, going against my own body. It felt like my skin was too tight and I wanted to bust into flames, I felt so fucking strongly for this woman.

I pulled Bella up to sitting and changed the pace. I had to, I was going to explode and lose control and so I reckoned deeper might be a good sub for faster. I moved her hips back and forth until the tempo felt right, then I stopped kissing her and moved my face away from hers. I wanted to just breathe her in.

I was so fucking deep in her. She was making these little sighs that just fucking penetrated my soul and I knew again that I could not live without this. It was my air. _She _was my air.

She nuzzled my neck, wrapping her arms around my head and pulling me close. I responded by slowing us down again, until we were barely moving.

I caught sight of our image in the mirror of my bathroom and nearly fucking came then and there. Bellas white back, hourglass, moving against me. Her black hair hitting her shoulders and her hands crossed above my head. It looked like she was tied, or some fucking bondage shit. I wished I could get that side of my brain to just shut down for a minute. The bit attached to my dick. It was as much as I could do to not flip Bella over and fuck her from behind, smacking her ass as I went.

She was so fucking sexy it was unbelievable to me that I had ever dismissed this. I had thrown this away. I would happily take on the universe for this now. How had I been so fucking lazy?

My body was ready to cum. In my head I was talking to myself, calming myself down. _Don't do it Edward, wait for her to do it, she'll think you are the same lazy selfish bastard you always were._

I started counting sheep, cars whatever. Bella was doing most of the moving now, finding my mouth again, sliding her tongue in and out. She raised her hands up above her head and I ran mine up to meet hers, pushing her further down onto my dick by pressing on her hands. She was so white, and black. The eyeliner was still there, all smudged and dirty looking. Like coal spilled on white tiles. Her mouth was swollen from being sucked and kissed. She tilted her head back, her eyes flying open, and then she fucking shouted my name and I completely lost my fucking mind. I pulled her against me, and pushed her backwards, so I could get access to her clit with my thumb. She bucked against me, grinding her little pelvis into mine.

I worked her so fucking hard with the soft part of my thumb, watching her mouth gasp for mercy, but asking for more in the same breath.

"Edward" She screamed, lifting her hips and arching her back until I thought she might break. She half turned over, ecstacy convulsing through her as she came, her perfect little cavern clenching against my dick. She made three long hard moans, almost roars into the mattress, her legs and abdomen spasming against me.

I just let go of the small ounce of control I had left and came immediatley. Deep long thrusts into her body and she welcomed them, spreading her legs wider and dropping her head back onto the bed in relief.

I collapsed across her, panting into her bare shoulder. I kissed her skin, pressing my lips hard against her collarbone as I struggled to catch my breath.

Without missing a beat I rolled over, rolling Bella with me to tuck her into the crook of my arm and holding her tightly there. She fucking _belonged _there.

Nothing was said. We lay there. The sunbeam travelled with the day across the room and we just lay there. I was afraid to speak, and she had nothing to say. It was so right, the two of us together but I wanted to keep the magic in the air for a while longer and conversation didn't belong in that room. It would have brought reality back in, and I felt I would lose.

So we lay there, day turning to dusk.

***

I jerked awake. The room was dark and Bella was gone. I sat up and jumped off the bed, grabbing my track pants and fucking racing down the stairs. I flew against the door and opened it only to find Alice and Jasper in a fucking clinch on the door step. I shoved him away from her and walked between them scanning the driveway. Bella's fucking car was gone. FUCK.

FUCK.

Jasper started some "Sorry dude" shit but I couldn't have fucking cared less at that moment. Bella was fucking gone. I couldn't fucking bear it. My insides felt like they were screaming. She knew it _was_ right, fucking hell I'd been there too - we both felt it.

That sex was unbelievable. As it always had been. I fucking couldn't ever fuck anyone else. She was it. For me. Why was she fighting this?

I swung around to my sister and my friend. I looked as scornfully as I could at them and then pushed through them again, taking the stairs two at a time back to my room.

FUCK.

FUCK.

Then I spied it. A bit of paper on the table beside my desk where Bella had written clearly in sharpie for me to see.

_I'm sorry. I can't do this. I won't do this. Don't contact me. Bella._

I shut my eyes so tight it fucking hurt. My head span. She can't mean it, she couldn't do this to me now. I wouldn't bear it.

I felt like I was crumbling, and I sat heavily onto the bed holding the paper in my fingers, willing it to say something, anything else. I ripped it into a thousand pieces and roared with frustration.

I heard footsteps on the stairs and then Alice knocked gently on my open door and came into the room.

"Edward?" She said softly.

I didn't turn around. I couldn't turn around. Catching her eyes, seeing her in my room would clarify that it was not a nightmare. Bella had fucking left me.

"Edward I saw Bella" She said, speaking to me like I standing on a window ledge.

I said nothing.

"She was so upset Edward, is everything okay? I mean what happened?"

"Nothing" I shrugged.

"We presumed it was her in your room, and I was so happy for the two of you..." She trailed off.

What? Alice had heard us fucking? Jesus. Though I supposed Bellas gasps and screams as she came were pretty loud. Fuck it, everyone did it. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

"Whatever" I couldn't help snapping. This was too much.

"What happened?" Alice sat on the bed next to me, patting my arm and pushing my hair out of my eyes.

My sister has this way of making you feel a stronger emotion than you already were with her little caring gestures. Suddenly my body felt completely out of control and I slid from the bed onto the floor, gasping for breath.

It felt like there was a rock in my throat and I just couldn't fucking handle it.

My version of crying, I supposed. I brought my knees up to my chest, hugging them with my arms and dropped my head forward. I couldn't help myself, I fucking bawled. The closest I could get to crying without tears. Long gasping frustrated roars into my knees.

_Somebody help me._

I was so hurt. Hurt and angry at myself for this mess that I had created for myself.

Alice stood and paused for a minute before racing from the room and calling for Jasper.

"Don't" I tried to say, but really I wanted him too. He was a rock that I knew I could cling to.

He bounded into the room and shouted at me, "Edward what the fuck? Dude" His voice was firm but soft.

He knelt down beside me and grabbed my hair, pulling my head up so he could see my face.

"What happened? Hey dude, everything is cool -Jaspers here!" He held my chin, examining my face, "I've never seen you so fucked - what happened?"

"I fucked it all up" I said flatly, the racking gasps fading. I stared into space, "I had her Jazz, I had her fucking here. Somehow I fucked it up again" I looked at my friend, seeing concern and care behind his amusing expression. That's Jasper. He plays the fool but he is the only person I know really actually gives a shit about me.

He smiled knowingly, "Didn't _sound_ like you were making any mistakes to me" He clicked his tongue suggestively. He stuck his index finger through the O shape he had formed with his thumb and finger. I slapped his obscene creation away with a smile. "You fucking lunatic" I muttered.

Rubbing my face with my hands, I peered sideways to see Alice standing wringing her hands and the cutest expression of worry on her pixie face.

"I'm fine" I said jumping to my feet, pressing my palms into my eyes and then blinking widely to convince her. I did a little boxer two step. Further proof of my sound mind.

Jasper took that as an invitation to start boxing. He threw a light punch to my ribs and despite my protests he circled me, jigging from foot to foot like a demented Ali, punching me gently wherever he saw an opportunity.

Alice giggled her head off as he ducked and weaved around me. I wasn't even defending myself let alone punching back.

I shook my head and smiled. Jasper was a tonic.

After about five minutes I grabbed my friend by the wrists and said firmly, "What the fuck am I going to do?"

Jasper dropped his boxer stance and shoved his hands deep into his pockets, "Do what I always do in situations like this."

I frowned, "When the fuck have you ever been in a situation like this?"

He clucked at me, "Now now! Edward! That is beside the point."

"Fine" I conceded, filling my lungs and stretching my arms above my head, "What should I do? What would _you_ do?"

Seeing my midriff undefended Jasper started his ridiculous boxing charade again, dodging my non-existent punches.

"What would I do to win back the heart of a lady?" He asked, bending to box a three two one to my right knee. He was one crazy guy.

"What would you do?" I echoed, looking across at Alice who was in stitches, her little mop of feathers she called hair fluffing about as she bent double.

"Dance" Jasper said, stopping his efforts and coming to stand in front of me. He looked like some insane Yogi as he leaned in, pressing his hand to my cheek earnestly. "You are going to go dancing".

***


	9. Chapter 9

_We are young, heartache to heartache we stand_

_No promises, no demands_

_Love is a battlefield_

_We are strong, no one can tell us were wrong_

_Searching our hearts for so long, both of us knowing_

_Love is a battlefield_

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

I lay there in the Twilight.

Edward had fallen asleep, after covering us both with a soft blanket and retrieving a pillow for my head. I could hear his heart beating as we lay there, my cheek pressed to his rib cage and it soothed me.

He was _here_.

I heard his breathing grow deep and content.

We hadn't spoken a word since we'd been fighting outside. Just a couple of whispers during what can only be described as the most amazing fuck I had ever had with him, and that included those I'd had in my head over the past year too.

It was also the most terrifying. How on earth could I risk losing more of myself in this affair? The last time I was with Edward I had lost my self control, I had become frantic, confused and ultimately obsessive. I shuddered when I remembered stalking him. I shut my eyes at the memory of what I'd seen that night. Ugh. That slut Tanya.

I had gone from an aggressively cocky girl to a complete wreck. That was _because_ of Edward.

How could I be with him again?

But how could I _not_ be with him again?

The afternoon in his room had been off the charts good. It was soul fucking. There had been so much emotion in that room. It was like we fucking recharged each other.

I hadn't gone there to fuck him, I'd gone there to tell him to stay the hell away from me but I just couldn't resist him once he touched me. I hadn't wanted to lie so I'd said nothing, at first hoping my silence would deter him and then afraid that if I spoke he would stop.

Then all of a sudden, as the dusk turned darker and grayer and the room became too silent to bear any longer, I had to get out of there. The thoughts of Edward waking and what he might say. It was too much. Edward coming back, Edward wanting me back. All of it. It was too much strain on my poor heart.

I had to get out of there. So I just ran.

I'd bumped into Alice who was coming out the back door of the house, as I tiptoed down the fire escape. I didn't realise until she dug into her pockets and produced a tissue that I was even crying. It was so much part of my life lately - crying. She had asked me what was happening? I just said "Sorry Alice I can't speak" and ran.

Now I was home, in my room, on my own bed and I could barely remember actually driving home.

All I could see in my head was Edward's face, careful and concentrated as he pushed into me. Like he was afraid he'd break me. Like it was taking all his will power not to just crush me.

It had been so freeing in that hour of silent expression. Like we'd been cocooned in a magical place where everything was perfect. But We couldn't stay silent, and somehow words meant reality and the reality was Edward_ would _hurt me again. I just knew that. So now I was back in prison again, the one that fenced me in. Where I could think of nothing but him. Where my day was spent longing for him, but knowing I could never go there again. I would never.

I had to get over this guy. I had to just shake him off like a flu. Just get up and out. I could not go back there. Being with Edward had caused me to change so much, so being with him again was not an option. I needed to get this guy out of my life and out of my head once and for all. If he was back in Forks _for me_ then he would leave Forks once he believed nothing was going to happen with me.

Sleeping with him was not the best way to prove that to him, I knew that so I would just have to stay away.

I repeated it over and over, _I had to just get over it_. At least act over it, until he was gone.

Before he'd come back I was doing that, and doing well.

I just needed to find myself again, try to get back what I had lost.

Lying on my bed, enjoying the gentle embers from the earlier flames in my body, I felt so calm. If only Edward meant this, just this pleasure. If only the rest of it didn't come too. It was a paradox. I felt that I couldn't live without him, but living with him came at too high a price.

***

My phone rang and it was Angela.

"Hey Bella" She said chirpily.

"Hi Ange" I said, holding the phone in the crook of my neck as I pottered around my room.

"Are you going home after work tomorrow or straight to the party? If you're going home can I change in yours?"

I stalled. Shit! I had forgotten. It was Eric Yorkie's birthday party.

"Bella?" Angela said sharply, obviously sensing my reluctance. "Bella you swore you'd come with me, I haven't really seen Eric since...you know the whole thing with he and I, and well, I _have_ to go to this and you promised you'd come with me. Please don't make me go alone!"

I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth, "No. No. Of course I'm coming, of course. You can change here. See you at work tomorrow."

It might be fun, I reasoned. I loved my friends and I genuinely wanted to wish Eric happy birthday, and I wanted to keep my promise to Angela of course. I wasn't a _bad_ friend. I just couldn't imagine being in a room of people all having fun, I felt like I would stand out, the odd one out. They'd point and say _"Who is that wreck of a girl, that half a person in the corner?"_ I_ had_ to go, I couldn't abandon my friends, especially since we only had another few months together and I could only imagine how Angela felt. She'd broken things off with Eric a couple of months ago and he was absolutely devastated. Everyone had been surprised at how badly he had taken it - he was normally such a cocky guy. Breaking up with Angela had just torn him apart. He had lost weight and seemed to have also lost part of himself.

I had felt soothed by that. I was not alone. It was not some supernatural connection to Edward that had left me feeling so much despair. It was not because we were soul mates, it was just because we'd been together. I'd gotten attached. Eric Yorkie was in the same boat as I was, there was nothing special about what I had lost. It was universal.

So I had known I would get over it, like Eric who had started smiling again. Lately he was back to his old self, always with Mike Newton - the two stooges. Angela had not really been in his company since. A few run ins sure - this was a small town, but nothing where they couldn't get out of there quick. Now he'd invited her to his party and she felt like she'd be a complete dick to say no. She liked Eric and was sorry things hadn't worked out. She'd told me in confidence that "it" just wasn't there for her.

So I would be her friend. I would go to the party, I might even dance a little. Anything to shake this Edward thing out of my spine.

***

Angela drove us both to work and then home at the end of our shift. Our manager James had been his usual fuck-hole self, demanding we stay and clean the windows before we left. He fucking_ knew_ we were going out. Sometimes I thought the guy had some weird power buzz going with himself. Small penis? Had to be some reason.

Angela had the perfect outfit. A small tulip style blue dress, with spaghetti straps. She straightened her hair and thickened her lashes with mascara in about four point two seconds and then said, "Right, are we ready?"

I raised my eyebrows as high as I could pointing at myself to indicate I was still in my bra and pants. "What the fuck am I going to wear Ange?" I said flatly, wishing I could just suddenly come down with something.

"Bella you have gorgeous clothes! Some of the stuff you wore out with Jacob must fit you, if not we can pin it?" She was referring to the fact that I had lost so much weight after Edward....

She went to my closet and pulled out my red dress. I had worn it to nearly every date I'd had with Jake at the beginning. He loved it. It was tight and to the knee, bandeau style and completely backless, but with thin black net covering my neck and back. It was very sexy.

"Ange, I can't wear that. Jake is going to be at this party"

"So?" Angela shrugged, turning her back to me and rooting through the rack again.

"He'll be all weird with me, you know what he's like"

"Yep!" Angela turned with a black pinstripe jumper that I used to wear. Pre-Edward.

I shook my head. No. "It doesn't fit me anymore" I stuttered.

I put my hand past her into the closet and shuffled the hangers around a bit until I found what I was looking for.

"Perfect" I said.

"Ah Bella, you aren't wearing that. No!" Angela struggled to take the hanger off me but I held it out of her reach. I pointed at her defiantly.

She sighed loudly, "Oh whatever. Dress like a boy."

"Its a dress Angela" I pointed out.

"Sure it is" Angela was right. The item in my hand was hardly feminine but I liked it. It had originally been a huge tee-shirt but I had bullied it and customized it into a dress. It fell off one shoulder and was loose around my body which I really liked given my current figure.

I pulled it on, then unclipped my bra and let it drop to the ground before slipping my arms through the huge baggy sleeves and clipping a wide elastic belt around my middle.

I pulled on my converse despite Angela tutting and clucking.

I looked in the mirror. I didn't need to reapply my make up, I quite liked the smudged look. I just ran my hairbrush through my hair and shook my head.

"Ready." I said.

Angela rolled her eyes, she shook her head, "You should have worn the red dress. It is so sexy"

"I don't...Ange I really don't want to be sexy tonight." I said, deciding last minute to pin my hair up into a tiny bun at the base of my skull.

"Well, you don't." She said, pulling my bedroom door open. "Lets go"

I grabbed my handbag, a big slouchy leather one that was my mothers in the 80s and we left. Charlie jumped up when we came down the stairs, having decided he would drop us to the party.

"Ring me when you girls want to come home" He said, "I'll have the squad car go pick you up"

"Nice abuse of taxpayers money there Dad" I joked, as he unlocked the car and myself and Angela sat into the back.

"Its a perk of the job" He said sliding into the driving seat and starting the engine.

****

Eric's house was a huge detached stone building at the edge of town. It was absolutely huge inside and faced onto a great space, which his father had tiled out as a patio. This was where the party was. Lanterns hung from the pagoda and Eric was there, on his decks, pumping out the latest tunes. I went up to him, gesturing happy birthday over the pumping music, smiling and nodding as he opened the present myself and Angela had bought him. He grimaced slightly and looked over my shoulder, to where she stood a few feet away, when he saw her name signed on the card. She gave him a little wave and I saw him flinch. He smiled and waved back, mouthing thanks. He was delighted with the record token and gave me a big hug. I gestured I was going to get a drink and then I flew back to Angela's side and we walked into the house.

"Ugh that was horrible" She said as we locked ourselves in the bathroom. She put her hands on her knees and looked at me, "Why does it have to be so awkward? Jesus Bella I was screwing the guy for over a year. I just wish we could be friends now..." She smacked her own cheek lightly and looked at me with her eyes wide.

"You will be" I promised, "Just give him time, Angela he loves you"

She nodded regretfully, then stood up straight. She stuck her nose up in the air and took a deep breath, "Right! Dance?"

I grabbed her extended hand and we skipped our way back to the dance floor. So many people we knew were at this party and so it was great to squeeze through the crowd, into the buzz of the middle. Mike Newton made a bee line for me and I couldn't help laughing as he did "The Lawnmower" and the "Running man" over and over at a hundred miles an hour.

My friends were such good fun, and now that we were all out of high school they had suddenly become more precious, given that I would lose so many of them this September to Colleges around the continent. I had chosen, with my parents blessing, to defer my college applications until next year. I just had not one clue as to what I wanted to study.

I was so determined to beat my feelings. I couldn't go on as I had been since Edward came back to town. I wouldn't be a mess anymore. This was it for me. I wouldn't see him, I wouldn't talk to him. I just wanted peace. To move on with my life and find myself again. The girl I had been, I wanted to be her again.

I looked up to see Eric pushing through the crowd to join us. His brother Alec had taken over the decks and the music had kicked into an eighties vibe with some 'Michael Sembella' pulsing through the speakers. Mike and Eric were like a team, they immediately launched into their own version of the 'Flashdance' routine. Eric motioned the placement of a welders mask on his face while mike did some seriously insane running on the spot.

I guffawed. Holding onto Angela the laughter came thick and fast from my gut. It hurt my face and I gestured for them to stop but they loved it. Angela's infectious giggles encouraged them even further and the next thing Eric hopped up on Mikes back as he danced so wildly I worried Eric would go flying.

It was so funny. I laughed and laughed, enjoying the sense of freedom it gave me from all the running thoughts I suffered all day. I was practically drooling I was laughing so fucking hard. It was slightly hysterical if I was honest and I just didn't want it to end. I didn't want to go back to that constant ache in my ribs.

So I grabbed Angela by the hand and we started jumping up and down, shaking our hair and really getting into the music as Love is a Battlefield belted through the concrete. I sang along, into a pretend microphone. It was so much fun, Angela and I screaming the words into each others faces, and then laughing hysterically.

_Love is a battlefield._

I span on my heel, kicking my leg out and playing air guitar which made Angela laugh so hard she started to cough. I thought that incredibly funny and was banging her on the back, laughing my head off when suddenly it felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I visibly reeled.

Edward Cullen was standing at the edge of the dance floor with that blonde guy and was staring at me with such black anger in his eyes that I nearly felt the force of it hit my skin.

I grabbed Angela by the hand, and dragged her forcefully off the dance-floor again.

I locked the door and pressed my forehead into the wood. My heart was beating painfully fast. I felt like I had just worked out.

"What the fuck? Bella - you okay?" Angela touched my shoulder and I spun around, banging back against the door and closing my eyes to compose myself.

"Its fucking Edward Cullen. He's here" I said.

****


	10. Chapter 10

_**Story rated M for profanity and lemons**__**. If that ain't your thing do yourself a favor and don't read on! Theres no point in reading it and then sending me a message complaining!!**_

_**Also I just wanted to make sure all of you reading this had picked up from my introduction in the first chapter that this is a sequel. The first part of this story is called If a Tree Falls and you can find it on my profile page! Those of you who have written to me because you are confused or think the story wasn't clear may be better off going back and reading the first part. All your questions will be answered there. Thank you!!**_

_You take my self, you take my self control_

_You got me living only for the night_

_Before the morning comes_

_A story's told_

_You take my self, you take my self control_

_Another night, another day goes by_

_I never stop myself to wonder why_

_You help me to forget to play my role_

_You take myself you take my self control_

* * *

_Edward_

* * *

Alice had demanded I go. To the party.

"I don't even know this Yorkie guy" I said, pressing my palm to my forehead. The pressure I had been feeling over the last 24 hours was beginning to take its toll and I could feel one motherfucker of a headache building above my right eye. I'd just downed two tylenol and a slug of water. Hopefully I would catch it before it became debilitating.

"You do. We all went to junior school together." She stated, holding a black shirt up to me and leaning backwards to get as good a view as she could, "Yes this will be perfect, you'll roll the sleeves up...Now... pants" She placed the shirt carefully on my armchair and started rifling through my closet again.

"Alice I can dress myself" I pointed out.

"Ed, you have to look really good tonight" She said, "You want Bella to hear you were out and looking like shit? No. You want her to hear you were out and looking amazing. That is what you want her to hear."

"I really don't see why I have to go at all" I said looking at the ceiling, "I really don't feel like doing anything"

"Edward!" Alice tut-tutted her way around my back, opening drawers and rooting through them. "This is what we are doing tonight and you are coming. Jasper is right, its exactly what you need."

I'd already had this out with Jasper. He was right, I needed to get out. I needed to have a bit of kick back time, regain my sense of normalcy before seeing Bella again. Dancing was his favorite past time in the world and on hearing that Alice and I had been invited to this Yorkie party, he had literally jumped for joy. I wasn't going to disappoint the guy, and seeing him on the dance floor would surely do wonders for my soul.

I had been so fucked up since yesterday, feeling like I wanted to puke all fucking day. Bella leaving while I was asleep just seemed so cruel. I knew she hadn't used me, at least I thought I knew that. _Did she though_, use me? Was it just sex for her?

I couldn't believe that but the doubt was creeping in. It had been so amazing to feel her little warm body slide onto me, her arms around my neck, clinging to me like a kitten. I closed my eyes thinking about her skin, her hair and those fucking little gasps. Fuck.

When I'd woken up, before I had realised she was gone, just in that couple of seconds before, I'd thought about fucking her again. I would have just fucked her all night if she'd stayed. It was so good, how would I have stopped? Then she was not there and everything had just become too much. If I hadn't had Jasper there to talk me down I think I might have lost my mind. I needed this woman, and I just knew, I fucking knew she needed me too. I just had to make her remember that. After all I have done, she needed to remember that.

So here I was, trusting Jasper who had never put me wrong before, and we were going dancing at some fucker's party that I didn't know. It would be okay, I'd have a few drinks, watch the entertainment and then come home. I'd sleep. Then I would focus again on the task in hand.

My mind kept straying to Bella. I had no idea whether she was upset or confused, was she feeling what I was feeling? I wished she would just talk to me. Properly instead of the hasty spitting sentences she'd thrown at me outside the restaurant and yesterday in the driveway. She didn't hate me, I knew Bella and there is no way her body would respond like that if she hated me. _But did she love me_? I had lost the belief in that now. It was very possible that she didn't have any love for me anymore, and it was the lure of the great sex we had that I was mistaking for feelings.

Alice had set my outfit out on my bed, even down to the socks and shoes, though she'd left my underwear to my own devices. Thank God for small mercies. Then she skipped down the hall to her own room to get changed, apparently into the 'outfit of the century'.

I pulled on the white vest and black shirt, with my faded black jeans. I threaded the belt through the loops on the denims and fastened the large buckle. I looked at myself in the mirror and shrugged. I didn't really see the big difference between this and what I had been wearing. I raked my fingers through my hair and squinted at myself. I needed a shave but fuck it. I'd do.

A knock on the door made me look up and I was surprised to see Rosalie stick her head through the door.

"Are you going to the Yorkie party?" She asked through her teeth, giving me_ that_ look. The Rosalie look. The _I-am-so-far-above-talking-to-you-and-I-hate-that-I-have-to_ look.

I nodded.

"Well, I'm not, but I have a stupid present for him, since I got an invite an all" She threw a wrapped packet onto the bed. "Give it to him will you? Mom bought it, so you can sign the card if you want to"

"Sure. When are Mom and Dad-" I didn't finish the sentence before she closed the door. Fucking Rose, never changes.

Alice was in party mode, I could hear sounds of some hip hop shit blasting from her room. She'd need about an hour. Just enough time to have a chat with Jasper, maybe a beer. I felt like a cigarette. One wouldn't kill me. I went to Emmetts room to rob one from the stash I knew he kept in his side table, and walked straight in only to find my goon of a brother standing completely naked in the middle of his room.

"When the fuck did you get back?" I said grimacing at the sight of him, "Dude! cover yourself up will you?"

He shook his head and stood there proudly, shoulders back, his mouth chomping on gum like a 5 year old kid.

"I need a cigarette" I said, shifting my weight onto my other leg and dropping against the door frame for support.

Emmett leaned across and grabbed a box of Marloboro from his bedside table, taking one from the box and putting it to his lips. "Have you a light?" He asked, with a bored expression on his face.

"I don't think so" I said, feeling the old familiar intimidation that a conversation with Emmett used to bring. I shook it off. He was just another man. That was all.

He shrugged, "No smoke for you then" He turned his back on me.

I returned to my room and checked through my drawers, no lighter. I leaned out the door, "Jasper!" I shouted down the hall.

Jasper stuck his head out of the guest room and I beckoned for him to come up. I went through my bedside table cupboard as I waited for him to come through the door.

I heard him come in and said, "Jazz do you have a lighter?" I asked standing empty handed from my search.

He stuck his hand in his jacket, no wait that was my jacket, pocket and pulled out a gold zippo.

"Thanks dude" I said taking it from him, "and did my sister give you that jacket?"

He nodded, stretching and looking in the mirror, "Yeah, it suits me doesn't it?"

I thumped him on the back, "Dude you look handsome, but you wreck it and I'll kill you"

He sauntered off, muttering something about his hands being lethal weapons and so I'd better be careful. That made me laugh out loud.

I made my way back to Emmett's room with the lighter, throwing it to him as I came through his door. He was still naked and now standing in the halo of his window, cigarette still in his mouth. I stood there for a moment, "Can I have a smoke or not Emmett?" I asked.

"Nope" He said, again turning his back to me and flexing his impressive back muscles.

"I just fucking got you a fucking light" I said, "Can you just give me a fucking cigarette and stop playing fucking games."

He simply lifted his hand by his side and raised his middle finger.

I stood there.

Suddenly Jasper squeezed by me and walked straight and purposefully across the room, stooping in front of Emmett, grabbing the box of cigarettes and lighter from the sideboard. He took one out and threw it to me spinning the lighter to me straight after it, then smashed the box against Emmetts stomach before giving him a quick smile and walking straight out of the room again.

Emmett turned like a bull about to charge, "Who the _fuck_ is that?" He bellowed.

I shook my head, feeling a pool of nerves collect in my stomach, but I wouldn't let him see.

I quirked my mouth downward in my best 'don't know what you're talking about' face.

Emmett walked straight up to me, towering over me and snapped the lit cigarette out of my mouth, "Who the fuck is your friend?"

"Jasper" came his voice behind me and a hand snaked over my shoulder, offering a handshake to my huge brother.

I stepped out from between them.

Jasper was smaller than Emmett by a good foot and a half but he looked fucking huge to me all of a sudden. Without 20 years of humiliation to distort his view Jasper could see Emmett for what he was, just another guy. A bully.

Emmett growled under his breath and moved toward Jasper with a fierce look in his eye.

Jasper smiled at him and shifted his neck, "Edward, go and get me a chill pill for your brother here will you?" He was not one bit fucking scared by Emmett's aggression. He was laughing it off.

Emmett reached out and prodded Jasper in the chest. Jaspers eyebrows shot up and he giggled, "Don't! That tickles!" He said joyfully. Was he _enjoying_ this?

Emmett snarled, "Listen here you little fag, I don't know where you came from but you better run back there before I fucking annihalate your ass right here"

Jasper widened his eyes like a Disney cartoon, fluttered his eyelashes and said "You would? Oh goody!"

Emmett prodded him again. Suddenly it all just went insane, Emmett's body seemed to take flight and I realised that Jasper had him by the finger and was lifting him off the ground, levering him across his shoulder like he weighed nothing.

Suddenly Emmett had landed on the other side of Jazz and Jazz was straddled across him, knees pinning him to the floor without seeming to use any force.

Jasper looked at me, a huge grin on his face, "This is so much fun!"He said, his voice like a bad child actor, "I love coming to meet your family Eddie!"

Then he turned his attention to Emmett who was struggling against the seemingly iron grip Jasper had on him. "Now looky here mister big ideas, you oughta know better than to think small is not effective. Though in fairness from what I've heard that may be the case in your life," He nodded his head toward Emmetts dick, "Now I'm going to get up in three or four seconds, cos we are going to a party now, but let me just tell you something. I have no question in my mind that you are planning to try to start this all again when I stand up. So lets get it clear, there is not one move that you have thought about while we've been cuddling so closely like this that I do not know and have a reflex for. I've been studying Ninjitsu since I was 3. Get it? You won't take me down so don't try. For your own sake. Next time I'll fucking knock you around a bit first. Okay sweetie?" Then he leaned down and kissed Emmett on the tip of the nose.

Jasper turned to me smiling and said, "Wanna spit in his face Eddie? For old times sake?"

I fucking howled laughing, that was just too funny. I declined of course, though it was incredibly tempting.

Jasper stood up off Emmett, all the while staring him, his fingers in a V shape moving from his eyes to point at Emmetts face and back. "I'll be watching you." He said.

Then he turned his back on my brother and started pushing me gently, "Ooo look how you scrub up" not at all concerned that he would be attacked from behind.

I was so shocked and so happy, seeing Emmett on the ground with Jasper torturing him was the next best thing to doing it myself.

Emmett just lay there until myself and Jasper moved off up the hall. When I came out of my room ten minutes later to hit the party he was gone and his door was closed. I felt a tiny pinch of remorse for the fact that he had been so humiliated. It faded fast though. It was good for him to be on the receiving end for once.

It was also really clear to me now that Emmett was bigger than me but not necessarily stronger. I had never fought back. That had been my mistake.

Alice didn't come downstairs for ages, music still blaring in her room and so myself and Jazz sat into the kitchen, having a beer while we waited.

"So..."Jasper said, "You got Bella in the sack then. What was that like?"

I rolled my eyes gently at him, and shook my head. "She just came over to tell me something, she was pissed at the letter."

Jasper pretended to fall off his chair, "Fuck Dude! If thats the way small town girls behave when they are pissed off then I am fucking moving here and developing a severe attitude problem. Man!" He started girating against an imaginary figure and doing a bad impression of the female orgasm.

I kicked his leg, "Whats with the Jackie Chan moves there anyway? How come I never knew you did Ninjitsu then?"

Jasper smiled and leaned forward to whisper, "I didn't. But I learned early that Big guys don't like pain, and if they think they might get some they back off pretty quick!"

"That was a bluff? How did you flip him though?" I was incredulous.

"Thats self defense 101 Eddie" He shrugged, "Fucks sake Ed, you did that fucking class with me"

I burst out laughing mid swig and spluttered, choking and trying to keep the beer from spraying all over me and Jasper. He leaned away from me with a face of horror, "Not the clothes! NOT THE CLOTHES!" He hopped off his chair and left me to recover while he strolled out into the hallway and called up the stairs, "Alice! Come on!"

She appeared in the stairwell, dressed like a fucking Christmas tree or some shit in a bright green sparkling concoction, and Jasper fell about in a mock swoon as she giggled her way down the stairs.

"Well?" She said, curtseying at me and doing a little twirl.

"You look good Sis" I declared and jangled my keys at her, "You're driving."

She grabbed the keys off me, "No problem brother dear" and flounced out the door.

"Bye Emmett!" Jasper shouted up the stairs as I swung the door shut behind me.

***

When we arrived the party was in full swing. We could hear it as we pulled up outside and both Alice and Jasper squealed with excitement. We were ushered in the door by Eric's mom, who was probably the tiniest woman I had ever seen. Alice was like a giant beside her. She showed us to the beer fridge, calling us "College boys" the whole time and then pointed Alice to the line of soft drinks that were on a table by the huge French doors that led out to the garden.

People were everywhere and it appeared the whole of Forks must have turned up given the heaving dance floor. Mrs Yorkie told Alice that Eric's brother had invited half of NYU and we could see an array of small tents littering the end of the garden.

"Cool" I nodded, smiling at her as she handed Jasper and me a beer, "Thanks Mrs Yorkie"

"Party that way!" She said pushing us toward the door where Alice stood, already bopping a little to the music, and waving at us happily as we moved through it to the crowded patio.

I picked myself a little spot near the snack table, enjoying the retro sounds blaring through the speakers. It was refreshing compared to the usual bump and grind at these things.

I leaned against the table, with a handful of peanuts and watched as Jasper led my sister onto the dance floor.

Within seconds they were in tune, Jasper twirling Alice like a princess and her little shoulders shimmying under his arms. You'd think they had been together for years. I didn't really mind this thing that they had going. I didn't exactly like the idea of Jasper, you know, _doing it_ with my fucking sister but I was cool with them dating. I needed the guy in my life and considered him family. I trusted him with my life, and with my sisters too. There was no issue. Once he kept out of her bed, for now, all would be well. I knew Jasper didn't run like that though, he was weirdly eccentric in his views to dating too. He would say "I like to woo" which was guaranteed to leave me in stitches.

I watched them, Jasper was a brilliant dancer. There was no question. He could do anything, body popping, break dancing, the works. Even when he was just bopping it was a joy to watch, every muscle in his body moving in time with the music. Just then the first notes of Billy Jean came through the speakers and Jasper broke into a moonwalk. Alice shrieked with excitement, jumping into his arms and planting a massive kiss on his mouth. Jasper glanced over at me, hesitantly and so I just shrugged at him and nodded. "Its cool" I mouthed and Jasper winked at me gratefully, grinning as he lifted Alice off her feet and spun her around.

I turned away feeling intrusive on their antics and focused my attention on the far side of the floor where I could see Mike Newton, the little prick, dancing like a lunatic with some guy I recognised from school on his back. There was that Angela girl too, laughing with her friend.

My eyes zoned in, suddenly focused and it was like a bullet to the stomach. Bella, dressed in some T-shirt mini thing that was hanging off in all the wrong places and, it was obvious from her bare shoulder, no fucking bra. Her hair was all up on her head, and that fucking neck that I adored was bare._ Bella._ Fucking having a ball too it looked like. I was incensed, I was hurt, I was furious. There I had hoped she was at home, distraught as I was. Here she was having a whale of a time, dancing around with her friends and cackling like some little bitch.

I was fucking considering walking straight over there and demanding to know who the fuck she thought she was when she turned and fucking saw me. Her eyes pierced me, they widened and then she caught her bottom lip in between her teeth in the most sexy way you could ever fucking imagine. I didn't know what to do so I just stared back.

Then she was gone, lost in the dancing people. I couldn't stand it. How could she be so fucking cruel?

I wanted to get out of there but I wanted to stay. Most of all I wanted to speak to her. To fucking get something other than the usual _I hate you fuck yourself Cullen_ bullshit. So I jumped up on a plant pot, holding the corner post of the pagoda to keep me steady and scanned the crowd. I spotted her heading into the house, hand in hand with Angela. So I pushed through the crowd of dancers and went into the house.

I stood in front of the bathroom door, hearing the low mumble of girls voices and figured that was where she was. So I stood there. Waiting for Bella to come out and face me. Not knowing what I would say, not knowing what she would say but just needing to hear it.

***

* * *

**I wanted to publish this tonight, because I'm a busy bee tomorrow, so I only reread it once! I hope it doesn't have too many mistakes!! Dying to hear from you all! Its such a buzz to get reviews and hear what you think - good or bad! So do! Review!**


	11. Chapter 11

_I'm not in love_

_So don't forget it_

_You're just a silly phase _

_I'm going through_

_I'm not in love_

_No, no._

_(Its because...)_

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

"Bella he _lives_ here. You are going to run into him." Angela was speaking from experience, it was clear from her body language when she saw Eric around that it was really uncomfortable for her to see him so hurt.

"I know. I just feel like shit, you know?" I said splashing water on my face and then leaning forward to press my forehead to the cold glass.

"Shit? Why would you feel shit?" Angela rubbed circles on my back. "Its not like you've done anything to him"

I turned my head to let her see the grimace that I was very deliberately pulling.

"What? What did you do?" She stopped rubbing my back and stepped back, leaning against the door and pushed her glasses up on her nose before folding her arms expectantly.

I looked sideways sheepishly staring at the bath, "I slept with him yesterday." I stated, looking everywhere but at her. In the corner of my eye I saw her mouth drop open, and then a tittered laugh exploded from her, "You did what?"

"Ugh. I slept with him, I know I am a bitch" I pulled my weight off the floor with my hands and sat up onto the bathroom counter. The marble was cold against my thighs so I wedged my hands under them.

"Oh my God I can't believe you!" Angela shook her head, she was half laughing and half scolding. "Jesus I don't know you at all..."

"You do. You _do_ know me." I pleaded, "I just...Jesus Ange if you knew what he does to me, all he has to do is touch me and I melt. Its a sickness." I smiled, puffing a small laugh down through my nose. Our good humor from the dance floor was encroaching on this serious conversation and making it comedic.

She shook her head and grimaced, "I don't know you at all! I would have sworn that guy would be arrested for rape if he even looked at you funny! Now you tell me you slept with him? I thought you absolutely wanted nothing to do with him?"

"I don't. I can't." I said, closing my eyes and biting the inside of my cheek. "It was a once off. I can't go there. Its too painful."

Angela shrugged. She leaned across to the mirror, popping the clipper on her clutch bag and retrieving a tube of gloss. She applied it to her lips liberally as she said, "Well Bella Swan, you've shocked me. From now on I think I'll leave Edward Cullen to sort you out."

"No don't-" I started but she was gone, she'd pulled the door open and left the bathroom blowing me a kiss as she went. I smiled. I loved Angela, she was the furthest thing from a drama queen there was, and I really appreciated having a close girl friend in my life.

I hopped down off the counter and pulled some tissue from the roll to blow my nose. Then I flipped the lid of the toilet, pulling my dress up and panties down to take a quick pee while I was there anyway. I sat on the cold toilet, elbows on my knees and suddenly the door flew open. Fuck. I snapped my head up to see Edward standing there, "Jesus shut the fucking DOOR!" I roared but he just walked in and allowed it swing shut behind him.

"Get the fuck out!" I shouted, completely indignant and downright fucking mortified.

He turned his back, facing the door. "I'm not leaving. I want to talk to you."

"Get out!" I tried again, quickly tearing toilet paper from the roll and finishing up. I stood, dragging my panties up my legs so fast I gave myself a fucking wedgie and pulling my dress down quickly.

He turned his head slightly and seeing I was decent turned to face me. "No." He said, curling his lip slightly almost with disdain, "I'm not getting out." He reached behind him and popped the lock, giving me a smug face as he did. He removed the key from the lock and dropped it into his pocket. "Ha you know what?" He said with an amused look on his face.

"What?"

"Last time we were in a bathroom situation like this, together, I was the toilet."

I pushed against him, trying the door fruitlessly. "Ugh. Cullen you're an asshole" I spat.

He spun around, suddenly pinning me between the door and his chest. I heard a growl in his throat and I was suddenly full of lustful fear. A little spark thumped in my clit and I automatically squeezed my thighs together. Shit. Even when he was agressive he really turned me on. Why did it have to be so complicated? _I couldn't resist this. _ Edward here like this, arms holding me against the door. Shit.

He pressed his forehead against the top of my head, and I heard him inhale deeply. I'd forgotten. _He likes to smell me_. I suddenly felt so upset, it was like finding a favorite game or movie from my childhood that I had forgotten. That deep longing, that regret that nostalgia can bring. I shut my eyes to it, gently trying to push him away.

He didn't budge. He leaned forward with the weight on this forearms, his face so close to mine. He drifted the tip of his nose over mine, across my cheek bone and to my ear.

"Bella. I need to work this out with you, this...we can't go on like this." He whispered, his voice catching halfway stirring my clit again and making me need to fight to restrain the impulse to just jump up and wrap my legs around his waist.

"There is nothing to work out" I whispered, staring at his shoulder. I couldn't meet his eyes, as he moved his head back. He waited for me to look at him, but when I didn't he moved his face closer, brushing his cheek against mine in such a sexy way it made me catch my breath. He was unshaven and his skin dragged against mine. It was so fucking erotic I had to clench my fists. Then his lips were pressing on the corner of my mouth and I couldn't move. I just kept staring at his shoulder.

"Do you _want_ me to leave you alone?" He growled and I squeezed my eyes shut. Don't ask me that now. Don't ask me _that_. Confusion overpowered me. I suddenly faced the prospect of Edward just walking away. Leaving town again. My stomach churned.

I couldn't let that happen before I thought this through. I needed to get a clear head, this draw was too strong to risk on a whim. When I told Edward to go I wanted it to be without any of this heat, this insane chemistry between us.

I lifted my eyes to meet his and he stared down at me, his jaw tight and the muscle clenching and unclenching under his cheekbone as he gritted his teeth. I wanted to touch it, to run my fingers across the jagged line of his Adam's apple, up his jawline to his hair. I balled my fists tighter. No. When he wasn't around I didn't want to be with him, that was what I needed to focus on. Jesus it was like this guy had some fucking love potion sprayed on himself or something. When he got within two feet of me I lost my senses. I just turned into this blob of lust that couldn't focus, I had to fight against myself the whole time because if I let go for one minute I'd be fucking the ass off him against that counter. Fuck. What Edward Cullen did to me was like a drug. I needed to break the habit. I needed to stay sober.

He was staring at me, and the burning in his eyes as he narrowed them was so fucking sexy I nearly had a fucking orgasm then and there. It was too easy to let go. It would be so easy to just go to mush in his arms and go with it. I'd done that the other day. This was different, this had to be different though. I had felt so fucked up the other day, and I would again if I didn't just stop it.

He ran his top teeth across his bottom lip and then licked it. Being pinned up against the door so close to Edward was getting hard to bear. I was considering my options which were basically _A) fuck him or B) don't fuck him_ when suddenly the door behind me shook with a thumping knock that I knew could only be one person.

"Bella?" Jacob's voice boomed through the doorframe like a drum.

"Jake I'll be out in two-seconds" I called out, "Just wait for me by the snack table"

"I'll wait for you here" He replied, "I think that fucker Cullen is here, I don't want you fucking running into him without me."

Edward's face broke into a grin and he put his finger to his lips and winked. He shook his head and pursed his mouth into the slightest _ssh_. Jesus even that was sexy. I had always suspected I remembered Edward being sexier than he actually was, but I had remembered correctly. The guy oozed sex through his pores. He was fucking divine.

"I'm fine Jake" I said through the crack, "Please don't wait outside, I'll never be able to pee if I think you are listening."

I heard Jacob pause, then move back from the door.

"Jacob!" I shouted this time, "Just wait in the garden. Jesus! I'm in the bathroom!"

"Well...alright." He said through the door, "But if you see that tool just ignore him, okay?"

"Yeah _no problem_" I said looking straight into Edward's face, giving him a smug little smile and a flick of my eyebrows.

I heard Jacob move away from the door and I sighed with relief. A fight between these guys was not something I wanted regardless of how much Edward was pissing me off.

"What's the deal with you and gorilla boy anyway?" Edward resumed his position, hand on either side of my head, leaning against me, looking like it was killing him to be this close to me without fucking me. I knew the feeling.

"We're close" I stated, not wishing to tell him a fucking thing about me and Jacob. That guy was one of my best friends. He had saved my life. Fucking saved it more than once if the truth be known.

"Are you...you know together?" Edward asked, "Is he the reason you fucked off on me the other day? Guilt?"

My jaw dropped open and I narrowed my eyes in annoyance, "No." I said plainly, "I didn't leave because of guilt. I left because I didn't want to be there. Plain and simple."

He threw his weight backward and stood up straight, rocking back on his heels for a second before falling forward again, his hands hitting the door with a loud bang and leaving his face closer to mine than I thought possible without actually kissing. His mouth was touching mine, his nose against mine, his forehead pressed into mine. I swallowed and tried to breathe through my nose. His breath was hot on my mouth. He pressed his forehead harder into mine, grabbing me expertly around the waist and pulling my body into his. It was agony to _not_ kiss him. It was like going against nature. He grimaced, pushing against me and I knew it was agony for him too.

"Put me down Edward" I hissed, trying to put aggression into my voice but only managing what sounded, even to me, like lust.

I don't know what I expected but when he actually did, when he released me so quickly I fell back against the door, I was disappointed. I fought against the emotion. I demanded to myself that it was just the attention seeker in me, regardless of whether it was negative or positive the attention Edward gave me made me feel good. When he opened the door, pulling it against me and shoving me into the corner as he did, then leaving me alone in the bathroom I didn't know how to feel.

I was so fucking confused. I locked the door behind me and leaned against the counter.

Edward Cullen was fucking up my life. He fucked it up when he was with me, and he was fucking it up when he was not. I was caught in a hopeless situation.

I wanted him to disappear, I really really did but I could not say what would happen to me when he was gone.

* * *


	12. Chapter 12

_**READ THIS: **__**T****his story is a sequel****. **__ As I have said before the first part is called "If a Tree Falls" and you can find it on my profile or if you add this link to the regular home page for here. __/s/5249646/1/If_a_Tree_Falls_

_I cannot take one more message telling me I need to clear up their history. Really._

_

* * *

  
_

_I spend so much time_

_Believing all the lies_

_To keep the dream alive_

_Now it makes me sad_

_It makes me mad at truth_

_For loving what was you_

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

I left the bathroom, heading for the dance floor when familiar hands snaked around my waist from behind and Jacob's lips were at my ear. We moved our legs in time as we moved forward and I was comforted by his closeness. He never ever confused me, he never let me down.

"Have you seen Cullen?" He murmured into my ear edging us toward the dance floor.

I half nodded and half shook my head, deciding not to confide in Jacob, "I saw him here but I couldn't give a shit" I lied, glad he couldn't see my face which always betrayed me.

"Course you give a shit" He laughed, snuffing against my ear and sending ticklish shudders through my body. He began to sway, moving me with him until suddenly we were on the dance floor and Jacob was pushing me away from him, spinning me and then changing hands so I twisted back and forth. It was fun, and I just decided to get into it. I had to get on with it. Edward was here regardless, I couldn't fall apart. I moved my feet, hopping a little from foot to foot. I closed my eyes, loving as always the way Jacob led me back and forth. It was so freeing to dance like this, not having to think about what move came next.

I fucking _loved_ Jacob. He was my best friend. He just took me out of my self, protected me from my own madness. Like now. His smile was infectious and he moved so expertly around me, those little appreciative twitches on his face when I added a little move of my own to the medley. He looked seriously hot too, wearing nothing but jeans and a navy ribbed vest which clung to his perfect muscles as he danced. His skin was so sexy, russet and smooth.

It was such a shame I didn't get a kick out of Jake. We would be such a good couple. That was water under the bridge for both of us now, there was no need to think about it and so I closed my eyes to the music, swinging my shoulders forward and back as _Footloose_ blared through the speakers.

Sounds of whoops came through from the middle of the floor and suddenly the crowds parted. I edged across, holding Jacobs hand, to see what everyone had stopped dancing to look at.

That guy, the friend of Edward's, was in the middle of the floor. He was fucking loving the attention as he clicked his fingers and slammed his knees together rhythmically, getting lower and lower to the floor each time. Then he was on his back, air guitar and the crowd went while whooping. He jumped to his feet like a reverse backflip and then even I could not help howling as he started dancing with footwork so precise and downright brilliant it swept us all away. He tipped an imaginary hat and rolled it down his arm, throwing it to the crowd and then beckoned toward where I could see Alice, Edward's sister clapping in time. She shook her head but ran onto join him anyway. Then everyone just piled in, laughing, clapping and dancing as well as they could. I kicked my feet forward, grabbing Jacob's hand as he swung me around. He pulled me into him, spun me out and by the time the song came to an end I was gasping for breath. I collapsed into Jacob laughing and catching my breath. His teeth glowed blue white as he smiled, directly under the neon light in the middle of the dance-floor.

I looked around for Alice and saw her still dancing in the centre with her guy. Then I saw Edward. Fucking Edward. I pulled air deep into my lungs through my teeth at the sight of him. I'd forgotten, Edward dancing was as fucking sexy as Edward doing anything else. He barely moved but little flinches of muscle in his body would move in time to the music. He was tense and masculine. It was hypnotic. He smiled at Alice and then did a quick body pop. Shit. The guy could move. I heard Alice shout out "Jasper! Jasper!" and burst out laughing as her guy, Jasper, seemed to fold over and then stand again, turning from side to side but with the most perfect robotics I had ever seen. Much better even then Edward's. I looked at Edward who backsliding on the spot for a fraction of a second before looking embarrassed and resuming his little shuffle that just made me wet it was _that_ sexy.

He changed direction smiling widely, enjoying himself but then he caught my eye, the smile dropped to a frown and I quickly looked away. Jacob had resumed our little two step, one toward him, one back and a twirl. I loved dancing like this most of all. It made me feel tiny, and girly and graceful which was unusual for me. It had been Jacob who had taught me to dance, I mean I always had some rhythm but dancing usually ended in disaster. During my low times, Jake had brought me dancing nearly every night and gradually we had become clockwork in our routine and it was great fun to just hit the dancefloor and not have to think.

Just then the music slowed down. Jacob pulled me in and started a slower version of our usual dance. He rested his chin on the top of my head and moved me across to the middle where I had last seen Edward. I frantically looked around. Alice and Jasper were dancing closely near us. I couldn't see Edward anywhere.

I leaned my head in to the crook of Jacob's neck and relaxed.

Then we bumped into Alice and Jasper and she smiled widely at me.

"Hi Bella" She said and Jasper spun her away.

Then they were back and Alice said joyfully, "Swap?" and suddenly I was in Jaspers arms, wondering how that had happened and straining to find Jacob's face in the crowd as Jasper spun me away through the people.

"Pleased to meet you Bella" Jasper said, "I'm Jasper"

I nodded, "I gathered" I said, not wanting to be smart but suddenly feeling like this was a set up. I looked over my shoulder, nothing seemed unusual. Nobody seemed to care that I was being blindsided. Was I? Was this a set up? It sure felt like something. I looked for Jacob and he was backed up against a pillar, Alice leaning up to him talking intently in his ear. Something was going on.

I was right, Jasper swung me gently around and suddenly he was gone and I was left alone in the middle of the dance floor as couples whizzed by.

Shit.

Then Edward was there, coming through the bodies and I was mashed against him, putting up little resistance as his arms wrapped around my neck and held me close to his chest.

* * *

_Is there any just cause for feeling like this?_

_On the surface I'm a name on a list_

_I try to be discreet, but then blow it again_

_I've lost and found, it's my final mistake_

_She's loving by proxy, no give and all take_

_'cos I've been thrilled to fantasy one too many times_

_Oh , I just died in your arms tonight_

_It must've been something you said_

_I just died in your arms tonight_

_Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight_

_It must have been some kind of kiss_

_I should have walked away, I should have walked away_

* * *

_Edward_

* * *

It was fucking killing me watching her with Jacob. They looked so happy and so comfortable. _Together_. Alice had thought they were going out but I didn't believe it. So she asked around. Just good friends was the general consensus. I was so relieved.

So I tried not to watch her but it was impossible. It was fucking torture, more than once I considered walking over there and grabbing her out of his arms. Dressed like that with her hair all high on her head, you'd want to be a fucking dope not to want to get a piece. I wanted to knock his head off, his hands all over her like that. I wondered what happened between them, who called it off. The last time I'd seen them together was when she chose him over me. I'd fucking known she didn't mean it, deep down I wondered had he.

The more I watched the more I saw it for what it was. Just dancing. No sexual anything. I couldn't dance with Bella like that, I'd get into it for two minutes and then I'd have to take her somewhere and fuck her. That sealed it for me. There was _nothing_ between them, there couldn't be. Not unless the guy had no balls, Bella in my arms like that would result in a major fucking hard on and I wouldn't last the song. The guy must be a fag.

So I kept getting so fucked off, _especially_ when the music had slowed down and Jasper had come up with such a stupid plan to get her to dance with me. At first I'd brushed it off, it was corny and stupid. Then I couldn't resist. The thoughts of touching her and moving her with me to slow music was such a draw. I was in.

Alice and Jasper went off and did their bit and then there she was, alone on the floor.

I walked up to her. I couldn't do anything but just catch her to my chest as she tried to walk around me and then she just dropped against my chest and I knew that moment was mine. The crowd moved in on us and then she wound her arms around my waist and leaned heavily into me. I had her again.

We barely moved, just the slightest sway. I dipped my head, feeling my legs start to shake and took her lips into mine. I pressed against them so softly, tucking her hair behind her ear with my fingers and tracing the line of her jaw. "I fucking need you." I said.

It was so fucking serious here, with all these people, than it ever had been when we were alone. It was like I was ripping apart. I couldn't take this battle much longer.

She stopped moving completely and went tense in my arms. I heard her whisper and moved my ear to her mouth to hear her words.

"I can't." She whispered, lifting her eyes to mine so sorrowfully it sent waves of fear through me. _Don't say it. Don't say it. No Bella, don't say it. _

"Please" She pleaded, "I can't resist you...but I don't _want_ to be with you. Please Edward."

I felt my throat constrict, what could I say?

"I need you in my life Bella" I said annunciating each word close to her ear as the music picked up pace again. We stood stock still in the middle of the throbbing dancefloor, her hand on my sleeve. Her face looking up into mine so regretfully. What was that? Sorrow? Pity?

"We can be friends?" I saw her face suddenly hopeful. "I mean until you leave town again, I mean we can say hi, you know?"

I stared at her. Was she fucking serious? Friends didn't struggle to keep their hands to themselves around each other. Friends didn't spit in rage one minute and then fuck each other the next. She was either mocking me or was losing her fucking marbles. She looked so vulnerable though, I couldn't argue.

I dropped eye contact. What could I do but agree? It was fucking hopeless. I was fighting a losing battle and I needed to change tactic. Maybe this was a good idea, this friends thing. I'd give it a go and gradually maybe I could coax her back to me. I nodded, "Okay. If thats all I get, thats fine." I stood back from her dropping my hands from her shoulders and pushing her gently away. "Okay. Friends is what you want, friends is what you got."

She smiled softly, patting me arm and looked awkwardly around. Looking for Jacob I presumed. Suddenly her eyes widened and her mouth formed an O so I followed her gaze just in time to a fist belonging to Jacob Black launch at me, hitting me squarely in the jaw and sending me reeling into the crowd.

I fought against the black out that followed, I didn't want to be humiliated like this, I wanted to hit the fucker back.

I lost that fight and thick blackness collapsed around me as I fell against the dancing people and thudded into the decking.

* * *

**A/N. - Lyrics - Eyes without a face, Billy Idol.**

**Again so there is no more confusion - THIS IS A SEQUEL.**

* * *


	13. Chapter 13

_It doesn't hurt me._

_Do you want to feel how it feels? _

_Do you want to know that it doesn't hurt me? _

_Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making? _

_You, its you and me._

_And if I only could,_

_I'd make a deal with god,_

_And I'd get him to swap our places,_

_Be running up that road,_

_Be running up that hill,_

_Be running up that building._

_If I only could. _

* * *

_Edward_

_

* * *

  
_

My feet slammed against the tarmac as I sprinted up the hill by the small airfield. It wasn't a pretty run but soon I would turn onto Bogachiel way which cut through dense forest and my head would clear. It wasn't as enjoyable to run in so many clothes, and for that moment as I left the motel and hit the avenue I missed San Diego. The cool warm mornings were perfect for running, the ocean stretching out under the bluest sky was so peaceful even through the early morning city buzz.

Forks was freezing in the morning, summer or no summer, and so I was in track pants, a long sleeved T and two hoodies. I even had a hat on. It was still cold as hell though so I increased my pace. The sting of freezing dew in the air was painful as I ran through it, it stung my jaw where a fresh graze and a huge purple bruise swept along under my cheekbone.

My father had gone fucking insane when we'd arrived back from the Yorkie party. I hadn't seen the man in a year, and when we arrived back at the house I'd thought I might at least get a welcoming smile. Instead he'd opened the door with the usual disapproval on his face and within seconds of seeing the damage he was lecturing me wildly in his study.

"I have done nothing but give you everything" He had shouted, gesticulating like some mad Italian, "And what? You come back to town and start fights?"

"I didn't start anything" I'd pressed, "I got hit. Thats all."

"I have a reputation in this town" He continued, not even seeming to hear me, "The last thing I need is you coming back here to cause more trouble. After all I have done for you. You are such a disappointment to me, to your mother. The last year has been so peaceful without you here..."

I stood up then, and walked out slamming the door behind me and taking the stairs two at a time. I'd had enough humiliation.

I'd come to seconds after hitting the floor at the party, but it had taken me a minute to get up. I'd had to roll over onto my hands and knees and then stand. I had been so fucking grateful that neither Jasper nor Alice had come to my aid. The humiliation was enough without that. I had seen Jasper holding Alice by the arm and shaking his head when she tried. He knew me so well. That was the last thing I wanted. My fucking sister wailing all over the place and helping me to my feet.

When I'd stood up I'd seen Bella pushing Jacob back through the crowd, flanked by one of the older Yorkie boys and someone else. Black had looked amused, he had been smiling at her and at one point she'd thumped his chest in frustration. Fucker. He'd get his.

I'd just turned and walked out of there, Jasper and Alice following. Driven straight home. Into the patient and loving arms of my parents.

My father was such a prick, he had climbed the stairs after me and come into my room where I was lying on my bed and continued the bullshit.

Blah blah blah blah. Eventually I'd had enough. Just as he had launched into another reprisal of what a disappointment I was to him I'd stood up and started grabbing my clothes out of the drawers and closet. I'd stuffed them into my bag and then called Jasper.

"Get your stuff man" I'd said and he'd nodded, joining me two minutes later in my room where my oblivious father was harping away on the responsibility he had in this town and his reputation. How disappointed he was in me and the choices I had made.

I'd waited for a pause in his rant, "Six years old." I'd said, putting my hands on my hips and dropping my head.

"What?" My father had stopped flailing his hands around and looked at me with surprise.

"Six." I'd continued, snapping my head back to meet him eye to eye. "Thats how old I was the first time I heard this lecture. I'd pushed some kid in school for making fun of Alice. You were called to the school."

"I don't remember that." He said looking confused, "It has nothing to do with-"

"What I'm trying to say is," I cut him off, "_I don't care anymore._ I don't need or have any desire to continue listening to this lecture for the rest of my life. I've heard it enough and frankly I _don't_ care. I am happy with my own successes, my music, my friends. I never wanted to be a doctor, but I could study, like you did, to be a doctor. So your title doesn't impress me. Not one bit. I don't give a shit what the doctor in a small town clinic thinks about my life. I had misjudged you, built our relationship up in my head and it doesn't actually exist. It seems you use me as an excuse to shout about how wonderful _you_ are. When at the end of the day you are the same as me - a man with a job. Nothing more."

My father had gone purple at that point. I hadn't cared, I was on a roll.

"So I'm getting out of here" I said, pushing past him and grabbing my car keys off the dresser. "I have always appreciated the opportunities you gave me, and I love you - you are my father. I'm not going to stand here listening to you put me down anymore. You are more concerned with your own reputation than with your son. Good luck with that."

As myself and Jasper had driven away from the house, and from the little shocked chuckles from him, I couldn't believe I had said what I'd said. I was proud of myself but also terrified of what it would mean for my relationship with him, the boy in me was still terrified of him. I would apologize someday I supposed, for being so disrespectful but I needed to say it. I needed to get the message across that proud of me or not, my life was now my own.

So we booked into the town motel, Bagby's with its kooky gardens and furniture that sent Jasper over the edge with excitement. You'd think it was Disney land the way he skipped to our rooms.

Then I'd lain on the bed, with my arms over my eyes, trying to just calm the fuck down.

Jasper had come into my room after a while, with his usual determination to snap me the fuck out of it with his mad thoughts on the world.

"You know Ed," He'd said brightly, "I've been thinking about something all day. You know that age old thing of "would you eat your dog if you had to"?"

I had lifted my head, "_Excuse_ me?"

"You know." Jasper had looked very serious, "Where it's like what would you do if you were starving and you only had your dog on a desert island, would you eat him?"

I'd stared at him, hardly believing he was even asking me this question, "I don't have a dog."

"Ah and you are one person who probably should..." He'd said sadly, "But its just a question, hypothetical. Do you know what I would do?"

"What?"

"I'd just knock him out and cut off one of his legs. I could cure it with sea salt, probably keep for months. He'd just have to have three legs, but dogs fucking love having three legs, they go crazy for that shit. The little wheel chairs and shit."

I'd lifted my head again to look at him, and I couldn't have but smiled, "What. The. Fuck. Are you talking about?"

"If I had a dog, I wouldn't eat him. I'd just eat some of him and then have him still. I'd have my dog and eat it."

I'd pressed my hands to my eyes and shaken my head. Then I'd sat straight up in the bed and said, "Jasper! I am trying to be depressed here. For fucks sake man!"

He'd shrugged, "I was just saying..."

I'd burst out laughing. It was impossible to stay pissed when Jasper was around. Even the look of him, such a handsome guy but his wild blonde curls gave him a clownish appearance. One crossed eyes and toothy grin from him and I instantly felt better.

"What the hell am I going to do Jazz?" I'd asked throwing my arm across my face.

"Ed, you've been at it _less than a week_." He'd stated, "I don't know Bella, but even I'd be disappointed in her if she just jumped back into your arms. A girl worthy of you would have a bit more to her than that."

I'd heard him move around and when I'd lifted my arm from my eyes again his face was about ten inches from mine. He'd crossed and uncrossed his eyes like a mad professor until I'd firmly pressed my palm into his face and pushed him gently back. He was so fucking amusing. He was like medicine for the soul.

"I get you." I'd said, swinging my legs off the bed and standing up. "Right, tomorrow is a new day, lets go downstairs and have a beer then to bed with us."

"Yes Cap'n" Jasper had said saluting me, "I think that is a fine plan. We can also discuss how to keep you busy for the next few days while you stay away from Sex-pot."

"Stay away?" I'd pulled my chin back in confusion.

"First rule of play Eddie." He'd said, pushing me out the door and throwing me my wallet which I'd left on the counter. "Have you the room key?" I'd nodded.

"Eddie" He'd continued as we marched down the corridor, "Let her miss you first, we'll hide out for a few days and then when she is starting to think you might be gone, we'll see her, say hi and go again. It'll have her back writhing under you in no time."

"I dunno about playing games Jazz, could I not just talk to her?"

Jasper had stopped, spreading his arms so that his hands touched each wall across our path. He'd looked down at his feet, "Isn't that what you have been doing?"

"I suppose." I'd nodded, he was fucking right.

"Hows that working for ya?" He'd asked in his best Dr. Phil impression.

"Not very well" I'd admitted as we resumed walking, "Not very well at all."

So here I was running, picking up pace, enjoying long strides against the wind. My head was clearing and I was coming to the conclusion that Jasper was right. I needed to stay away from Bella for the next few days. Give her time to clear her own head.

The universe had other plans for me.

A familiar car passed me on the road. A beaten up green Volkswagen golf.

Bella.

I slowed down as it pulled into the curb and walked toward the passenger door.

The window was briskly wound down and Bella leaned across to look me in the eye as I bent to look in.

"Hi" She said awkwardly, pressing her lips into a straight line.

"Hi" I said, catching my breath.

"I thought it was you, I wasn't sure" She was fucking blushing a little. God I fucking loved that.

"Its me." I stated, leaning my two hands on the window frame for support.

"Hows your cheek?" She said grimacing as she saw the spreading bruise.

"Its nothing" I shrugged it off, inhaling sharply in through my nose and standing up to get better purchase on the air I was breathing.

I heard her door lever pop and she stood out onto the road. She put her arms onto the roof and dropped her chin onto them. She just looked at me while I moved around, wishing I hadn't been pushing myself so fucking hard there.

"Do you want a lift? Home?" She said, tilting her head so her hair fell back and exposed her long white neck that was just crying out to have my teeth sink into it.

I shook my head, "No. Thanks, I'm not staying at home anymore. We're in Bagby's for now." I pointed in the direction of the motel. She nodded.

"I can give you a lift back there if you want" She said, still looking toward where I had pointed.

Jaspers words ran through my mind. Let her miss me.

I shook my head even though the thoughts of being in a car again with Bella were already making my dick hard.

"No Bella. Thanks." I gave her a half smile.

She tapped a little rhythm on the roof of her car and then nodded furiously as if I had just made the statement of the century, "Of course" She said, "Great. Okay." She leaned back pushing her door open again, "See you Edward"

"See you around Bella" I said deliberately. I knew the 'around' bit to be dismissive but I said it anyway. She had asked me to leave her alone. I knew she didn't mean it but I needed her to realise she didn't mean it too.

She sat into her car, closed the door gently and then she was gone. The little car bounced its way along the road and disappeared around the corner. Heading for La Push. I nearly smacked my head into the nearest tree when I was sure she couldn't see me in her rearview. Probably going to that meat heads house. Fucking animal. I'd fucking get him back for that sucker punch.

If it was the last thing I did here.

* * *

**A/N -song of course Running up that hill by Kate bush!**

* * *


	14. Chapter 14

_**Guys Sorry for the wait! You wouldn't believe what happened! I was just finishing what was Chapter 14 when there was a power cut and I lost everything! I tried so hard to rewrite it but it turns out that I am better writing chapters once through instead of thinking too much about it because I had a serious case of writers block!! I just couldn't make it flow the second time around and I also couldn't remember lots of the conversation. So if this chapter seems static and jumpy - thats why!!**_

_**Lots of Love, MLWE xx**_

* * *

_Take a look at me now, _

_'cos there's just an empty space _

_But to wait for you, _

_well that's all I can do and that's what I've got to face _

_Take a good look at me now, _

_'cos I'll still be standing here _

_And you coming back to me is against all odds _

_That's the chance I've got to take._

* * *

_**Edward**_

* * *

Running back to the motel I felt so good. Free. I'd seen Bella, I'd played the game, I felt in control again.

If I had my way, and I was pretty sure I would, it would be her running to me this time.

I picked up my pace for the last 100 yards and took the stairs to my room two at a time.

I knew Jasper was probably still asleep, but I wanted him to wake up and come get breakfast so I banged on the adjoining door with my forearm.

"Jazz open up!" I shouted.

There was a scuffle and then hissed whispers from behind the door.

"Jasper?!" I banged again. The door opened and Jasper stood there looking ruffled and not meeting my eye. I pushed the door, moving him out of the way to find Alice sitting nonchalantly on the chair by the window reading a magazine. Upside down.

"Your shirt is buttoned wrong" I stated, flicking my fingers at the buttons as I went by Jasper and into the room. I stood there looking from one to another.

"Hi Edward" Alice said innocently, flicking the pages still not realizing the magazine she was so interested in was inverted, "I just thought I'd call in to see how you both are, especially you of course Ed, how is your face?"

"Its fine" I said, as she stood up and approached me to peer at my injury with a grimace.

"Looks sore" She stood on her toes and prodded my face.

"Ow! What the fuck?" I said, grabbing her finger. "It is when you do _that_. For fucks sake!"

She smiled sheepishly, "Sorry!"

"Anyway..."I said turning to glare at Jasper, "I think Alice should go wait in the lobby and then we can all go for breakfast together. Okay Alice?"

She left, reluctantly and I noticed Jasper's fingers twitch out and touch hers as she passed. They really had a bond, even after such a short time.

I went into the bathroom and turned the faucet for the shower. Then I went into my room and grabbed a clean tee and jeans before going back in to where Jasper was busy juggling the TV remote, my wallet and a ball of socks.

"I saw Bella" I said, pulling my tee-shirt over my head. "So much for the grand plan"

Jasper caught the TV remote and wallet expertly in his hands and headed the ball of socks toward me. I kicked them away.

"Where was she?" He asked, standing up and pulling a drawer open to rifle through the clothes shoved in there.

"On Bogachiel" I said, then continued when I saw him frown in ignorance, "Just a block away. She was driving."

"Were you running?" He said, grabbing out a pair of black trousers and draping them over the chair by the desk.

I looked at him and rolled my eyes. I pointed at my clothes and then at my sweaty face and wet hair.

"Yes of course you were. Sorry." He said tutting at himself, "Do you think she found that sexy?"

I smiled, "Dunno" I said shrugging and kicking my shoes off, I dropped my pants and walked back into the bathroom.

I stood in the shower letting the water pummel my back. I'd have rubbed one out, released some tension if I couldn't have heard Jasper singing from the next room. So I just stood there as the water streamed off my head and soaked my body. I covered myself in this weird minty shit Jasper always had and it actually felt good. Invigorating.

The heat of the water was therapy. It pummeled into my muscles and gave me something other than Bella to concentrate on. I lifted my arms over my head and stretched my body out. I relaxed again. I ran my fingers over the deepening lines in my abdomen. The run had left my muscles torn and aching but it was a good feeling. It meant my body was toughening even more, getting stronger.

I let my mind wander back to Bella. The way she had felt in my arms last night, that urgent whisper _I can't resist you_. Fuck. I got a boner at the memory of her lips twitching on my ear as she had said that. It would go down in history as one of the most sexy things I'd ever heard.

Fucking Jasper, I really felt the urge to jerk off, but with that spontaneous clown within ten feet there was no fucking way. So I just switched off the water and grabbed my towel, scrubbing at my hair with it before wrapping it around my waist.

When I returned to the room, Jasper was dressed and in the process of fixing his wild mane of blonde curls.

"You look like Charlie Chaplin" I said, widening my eyes at his ensemble. Black baggy pants, a white shirt and a grey waistcoat. All he needed was a bowler hat.

"Thank you!" Jasper took it as a compliment and did a little Chaplin walk around the room.

I grabbed my gear and got dressed. My hair was wet but I ran my fingers through it a few times knowing it always dried the same whether I fixed it or not. My hair only knew one way, straight up.

We took the stairs to the lobby where Alice was waiting for us, seated on a huge couch. She waved furiously at us as we came down the stairs, even though she was the only person in the whole lobby. Jasper bounced his way to her side and I smirked at the way they stood a bit too close, as if I wouldn't notice. It was cute. I'd still fucking kick his ass if he took it too far too soon though.

"You drive" I said throwing my keys to Jasper as we reached the car. I leaned back against the wall briefly as he unlocked it and moved the pile of coats that we'd shifted to the front when packing up. Then I took off my jacket, brushing the dust from the brick mortar that had settled there and got into the passenger seat throwing it into the back.

"Yessssss" He said, boxing the air. Jasper loved my car. It was a gear shift and was pretty nifty. I loved my car, which always surprised me considering the resistance I'd put up to getting a Volvo in the first place. My father had always made us save every penny we'd earned or been given and I had enough to buy my first car by the time I was 17. Turned out the Volvo was sporty as hell.

Jasper opened the driver door, holding it for Alice as she slipped into the rear seat before sitting into the driver seat and slamming the door closed.

I buckled up as he switched on the engine and the car roared to life.

Jasper threw the car into gear and reversed with amazing precision, not stalling as he swung my car round into the road and flew up the road.

"See?" He said waggling his eyes at Alice in the rear-view mirror, "I can drive like a Cullen too!"

* * *

_I sit by the harbour_

_The sea calls to me_

_I hide in the water_

_But l need to breathe_

_You are an ocean wave my love_

_Crashing at the bow_

_I am a galley slave my love_

_If only I would find out the way_

_To sail you.._

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

"I don't know how to feel Angela" I said, taking my large cup of coffee in both hands, enjoying the warmth that spread through them.

"You shouldn't have to know Bella, you just do" Angela replied, opening her turkey sandwich and carefully removing the fat from each slice.

"I am so fucking attracted to him though" I whispered with a sigh, "He is so fucking hot it kills me"

Angela raised her eyebrows, "Why is he such bad news? I mean a lot can change in a year. Look at you. This time last year you were a complete loner, and a bit of a loose canon too"

"He'd just left town" I remembered back, "I couldn't bare it"

"How will you be this time?" She asked between chews, "I mean if he goes again"

I shrugged, "Fine I suppose, I mean I got over it, him before, Ange. It just fucking hurt so much, I don't think falling for him again is an option."

"Isn't that a bit late?"

"What? Whats a bit late?" I sipped the hot coffee and replaced the cup on the table, reaching over and grabbing one of the discarded tomatoes, popping it into my mouth.

"Falling for him - future tense?" Angela said, grinning, "Really?"

I stuck my tongue out at her playfully and shook my head.

"I don't know" I said, "I really don't know. What I think is though that I would be a hell of a lot saner without any Edward Cullen in my life."

"Maybe" Angela said, as the waitress refilled our mugs. We paused the conversation until she was done.

"I can't take him being near me, its like a weird mix of anger and serious fucking lust"

"He is gorgeous" Angela agreed casually. I noted it, feeling a little tinge of possessiveness as she said it.

"Too gorgeous" I said, "It would be hell to be with a guy like that, it _was_ hell to be with him. I got so fucking paranoid."

"Bella it was a year ago" Angela said, taking a couple of dollars from her pocket and throwing them on the table, "If you still care enough to talk about it, if there is still something to fight with him about then I reckon you should seriously consider giving him another chance."

We sat there for a minute, finishing our coffees as I considered what Angela had just said. Everything swam around in my brain like a whirlwind. Being near Edward got me so flustered it was hard to say what my actual feelings were. Seeing him running this morning had been a prime example of that. I'd driven past him but he hadn't seen me and then I had an irresistible urge to drive past again so I'd looped around the block and come across him again on Bogachiel. The way he ran, head down, was so fucking sexy - was there anything he did that wasn't? I'd meant to drive by but I just couldn't do it. _I'd wanted him in my car._

I'd tried to be so casual, pulling up, offering a lift. He'd refused and it fucking hurt, though I could hardly blame him. He was standing there with a black and blue jaw because of me. His casual '_see you around_' had fucking stung though and thrown me, once again, into complete turmoil.

I'd rang Angela on her cell and begged her to meet me for breakfast. I'd been supposed to go for breakfast in Jacobs but after seeing Edwards face, and feeling so fucked up again, I'd just popped in for ten minutes pretending I'd completely forgotten promising Angela I'd meet her. I knew I'd been curt with Jacob but he fucking deserved it, throwing his fists around when he knew nothing about it. I hadn't allowed myself to think about what might have happened if he hadn't punched Edward when he had. I'd probably have given in again, and in a weird way I had been grateful for the intervention. Violent though it was.

I had woken up that morning with such butterflies, anxious feelings in my stomach and they wouldn't go. The way Edward had held me on the dance floor, the way he had pressed his forehead to mine, it just felt so fucking real. Like love. I just wanted my life to be simple, like it was before this fucking roller coaster.

I reached out and traced the stonework of the cafe wall absent mindedly with my index finger, knocking a small blob of mortar into my coffee as I went.

"Great" I shrugged pushing the cup away from me as Angela giggled, "I was looking forward to that last sip!"

She smiled and offered me her cup which had a drizzle of coffee lingering at the end. I looked at her and gave her a friendly roll of the eye to let her know I appreciated the attempt to cheer me up.

She stiffened in her seat and looked over my shoulder, "Don't look" She hissed but of course I did, immediately seeing Edward come in the door of the diner. My heart went cold and my stomach flip flopped. Prickles of sweat stung my skin. The usual reaction. He caught my eye and there was an agonising pause before he lifted his palm in a casual greeting and chose a booth across the other side of the cafe. Alice and his friend Jasper followed him in the door and without seeing me, joined him.

I watched him lower his head and whisper, then Alice snapped her head around to meet my eye, gave me a little smile and turned back. I turned back around to Angela, feeling my face redden and my eyes begin to water.

"This is fucking excellent" I said bitterly. "Can we wait, like ten minutes and then go?"

"Bella we were just leaving" Angela stressed, patting my hand and biting her lower lip with her teeth.

I shook my head with confusion, "If we leave now he'll think I can't be around him, if I stay he'll think I'm hanging around to see him." I closed my eyes and breathed, "Its better to leave. Okay lets leave."

Angela's hand stayed on mine, "Bella. Lets go over and say hi. Its the easiest thing to do."

"No, no I can't. Not with the others there."

"Bella." My friends voice became a little scolding, "You say you don't want to be with him, you tell him you can only be friends but this isn't friends. This is madness. You need to get a hold on what you _actually_ want."

"I don't want to keep running into him" I said.

"You are going to. Bella. It doesn't look like he is going anywhere right now"

"Okay well then I want the easiest option" I answered.

"Well..."Angela grimaced and then talked comically out of the side of her mouth as we stood up, "It looks to me like your easiest option would be to just fuck the boy already!" She giggled.

I pinched her waist and she skittered away from me, which was good because we were still giggling when we got to Edwards table. I noticed his eyes soften as I approached but then darkened again, like a resolve, as I got closer.

"Hi Guys!" Angela chirped, "Up early I see?"

Alice launched into an enthusiastic chat with Angela, and I just stood there. It was hard not to look at Edward who was looking at me. Eventually I gave in and just looked back. His eyes got softer and softer and eventually I realised it had gone quiet and the other three were looking from me to him and back with knowledgeable smiles on their faces.

"Okaaaay" Angela said clapping suddenly and throwing her arm around my shoulder, "We're gonna get out of here. Nice to see you Alice, and to meet you Jasper." She pushed me away, "Edward." She nodded goodbye at him and rushed me from the cafe.

"Now that wasn't so hard was it?" She said, digging her hand in to my pocket and removing my keys as we headed to my car.

"Just get me out of here quickly" I said, almost under my breath. I was rigid trying to battle against my raging feelings.

She unlocked the car door on my side and ran around to the drivers side. I got in and she reversed. No sooner had we driven ten feet away than I completely lost it. I just burst out crying and Angela swung into one of the avenues, pulling into the curb as quickly as she could and grabbing me into a hug while I sobbed.

"I just can't take it" I stuttered as soon as I could get the words out.

"What?" Angela said, "Can't take what?"

"Him" I said, "Him being home."

"Bella" She said shushing me and wiping the tears from my cheeks, "There is no shame in loving someone who has hurt you, there is no shame in getting back with someone who hurt you either."

I shook my head, feeling so lost, so alone in this huge decision, "I couldn't take it if he hurt me again Angela. I need to be with someone who would never do that. Edward is not..." I couldn't finish the sentence. The words not the one were too painful to bear.

And so we just sat there, Angela rubbing my back and telling me it would be alright while I sobbed into my hands, blowing my nose into the tissues she passed to me every minute and letting go of my hard shell that I'd so carefully built up around me.

* * *

**_First lyrics - Phil Collins Against all Odds, Second - Marthas harbour by All About Eve!!_**


	15. Chapter 15

_A man can tell a thousand lies_

_I've learned my lesson well_

_Hope I live to tell_

_The secret I have learned, till then_

_It will burn inside of me_

* * *

_Bella_

_

* * *

  
_

Edward was not_ the one_. I just had to get my head around the idea that there could be such a physical attraction between two people so wrong for each other. I didn't _want_ to be with him, I just wanted things to be clear again.

I just wanted my own mind back.

I couldn't even be around him without my whole body aching for his touch. That much had been proved to me numerous times since he had fucking come back to town. It wasn't healthy. The last time, everything had been so painful. I had changed so much, gone fucking crazy for him. How could that be the right thing for me to choose again?

He couldn't have turned into a whole different person.

I wished the dreams would just stop.

Every night the same thing, Edward coming through my window. His face determined and his bare pale chest heaving as he approached me. In the dream I would levitate off the bed and float toward him, even though I tried to stop myself. I would cling to the bedclothes fruitlessly. It was like Edward controlled me, and I could not fight him. In the dream his body was like ice as I moved against it. He would bring me to him like a magician and I would wrap my legs around his cold waist. He would enter me hard and fast until I orgasmed. It always woke me, and I would shudder, twisting the bedclothes until I was calm again.

It meant that in the morning I felt like I had had another encounter with him, and then seeing him around Forks was just as painful as the last time. I just wanted some distance but I could not control my dreams. So every-time I saw him, as our cars passed, as he ran by my house in the morning, as we met in the doorway of the cafe, it felt just as raw as if we actually had just fucked the day before.

It was overwhelming.

It felt a huge weight on my shoulders. I couldn't listen to music, I couldn't read. I was changing again. Edward being in town was like a poison. It went through my blood and debilitated me. It was such a fucking lie. I didn't love him. I couldn't love him. It was just a physical attraction, a chemical thing. It infuriated me constantly that I couldn't just shake it off. My body was lying to me, like Edward had. I would have to fight against it, as I would against him.

I took on more shifts at work, anything to fill my days and get me away from Forks. Port Angeles was an hour away and it was a long commute but I loved the opportunity to be in the city, enjoying the buzz and making money at the same time. I made new friends and often socialized in the nightclubs. Angela and I tried to organize the same working times, to go easy on gas by having a car pool but sometimes, like tonight, I would be working alone.

I pulled into the lot by the restaurant and checked my watch. There was twenty minutes before my shift started but I didn't care. I'd start early. I went in through the back door of the restaurant and got changed into my waitress gear in the changing room.

The restaurant was busy, most tables full. A queue was forming at the door and I could see James, with his smarmy face switched on, taking numbers and offering people a seat at the bar while they waited for a table. I took my cue from him and started to clear some tables where the people were finished eating and just sitting chatting. Some of them got the message and asked for the bill and the swift turnover of tables began. The night would fly.

"You look tired" James said as I passed him in the kitchen, his breath hitting me in the face with that horrible sour smell that turned my stomach.

"I'm not" I said curtly, placing a tray of used dishes beside the sink and retrieving my notepad from my apron pocket. I pushed past him and returned to the floor where a couple I had sat ten minutes earlier were ready to order and beckoning me as I approached.

The night, as I predicted, flew. Tables were turned over smoothly as always, and suddenly the last table was cleared.

I didn't bother changing, noticing that Jared, the kitchen hand was moving faster than usual and I didn't want to be left in the building with James on my own. I never really thought he'd try anything but he creeped me out and there was no way I was giving him the opportunity.

Jared suddenly said "Bye then Bella" and despite my best efforts the restaurant was empty bar myself and my boss. I grabbed my bag and headed for the door, "Bye James" I called chirpily.

"Bye Bella" He muttered, as he stood counting money into the cash envelopes.

I was out the door and into the cold air with a huge sense of relief. I could never put my finger on what it was about James, sometimes he would look at me that moment too long. Like a predator, who has just fed but might take a bite anyway. He made me feel uneasy. I wasn't the only one. Angela hated him too. We were the only girls in the staff who lasted past a couple of weeks and we had always suspected James was the reason for that. Nothing definite that we could put our finger on, just a nasty feeling we got.

I sat into my car and switched on the engine, turning up the heat immediately and sitting there shivering until the first puffs of warm air hit my feet.

I put the car into drive and pressed the accelerator. The car moved forward but then immediately there was this huge bang of metal and air and everything just stopped. The lights went off. The engine was quiet. I tried the key again. Absolutely fucking nothing.

I refused to believe what was happening and I sat there trying the key over and over before finally admitting defeat and ringing my father.

There was no answer. I rang the number again. Voicemail again.

I rang Jacob. He answered.

"Jake hi, can you come get me? My fucking car has broken down and I'm totally stranded at work."

There was a pause, "Shit Bella, are you serious?" I heard him scuffling around.

"Yeah, what? Are you busy?"

Another pause, "I can't really...at the moment. Uh have you rang your dad?"

"Where are you?" I stuttered, _please Jacob say you'll come get me_.

"I'm...uh...I'm across at the Clearwaters. I'm just about to go to the movies."

"With who?" I was confused. Jacob never hung out with Seth. They were close in age but Seth was such a kid in comparison.

"Uh...there are a few of us, um, Bella try and see if you can get someone else to pick you up and if not, ring me back"

I just hung up. It was the weirdest conversation I'd ever had with Jacob and I couldn't figure it out. He was always my first call after my dad.

I dialled Angelas number. No answer. It suddenly felt like the whole world was turning their back on me and I almost burst out crying. I shook it off. I was an independent woman, I would work this problem out myself.

There was a tap on my window. James. I rolled down the window.

"You okay?" He said, narrowing his eyes and slightly baring his teeth in a half smile that made him menacing in the darkness.

"My car won't start" I stated, shrugging and feeling slightly vulnerable. I looked across the street, all the bars were shutting up and the lights were off in any of the houses.

"I don't know anything about cars" He said, flashing his teeth again, "I'd love to...give you a..._ride_....though"

I flinched at the way he accentuated the words, double entendres throughout. Ugh. I felt sick and slightly scared. I really doubted James would step too far over the line, but I liked my job and I didn't want to leave it. That would be a certain if he came on to me in even the smallest way.

He opened the driver door and gestured for me to step out.

"I might wait actually" I said, staying where I was. "My dad will probably send an officer to get me" I stressed the word officer, hopefully reminding James that my dad was a cop.

He fucking licked his disgusting lips.

"Let me give you a ride home Bella" He said, "It is my duty as your manager to make sure you get home safely."

Safely. The word coming out of his mouth did not sound like it should. I felt so uneasy but what choice did I have. Getting into a car with James screamed stupid. What could he do though? I reasoned it out in my head. I would text Jacob telling him I was getting a lift so if anything happened to me they'd know who did it. Then again, I didn't want justice for my brutal murder. I just didn't want to get fucking murdered in the first place.

I stepped out of my car. It was like there was no other option and my body just moved me along. James took me by the elbow and walked me down to his car which was parked in the reserved spot by the front door of the restaurant.

It all felt really stupid. I knew I'd get home safe, I mean this was my boss, he might be creepy but that was no crime. What gave me the right to be so suspicious?

Then again, getting into a car with a man who made me feel unsafe and creeped out was really stupid. I should know better. I had to say I didn't want the lift. However insulting my boss wasn't a good move, it'd be impossible to find another job for the summer. Every college kid was home and trying to make money.

I'd just have to take the lift.

****

**Song - one that I had forgotten completely, Live to Tell by Madonna - I used to listen to it over and over again when I was about 14 and madly in love with the boy who worked in the shop. Never even spoke to him but cried over him every night.**

**Wonder what became of him?**

**:-D**


	16. Chapter 16

_Who's gonna tell you when_

_It's too late_

_Who's gonna tell you things_

_Aren't so great_

_You can't go on_

_Thinking nothing's wrong_

_Who's gonna drive you home tonight_

* * *

_Edward_

* * *

I sped up to catch the lights but they turned orange anyway. So I slowed and stopped.

I'd just dropped Alice and Jasper off at the Eclipse Nightclub. I just wasn't in the mood for dancing, and an afternoon of Alice squealing with complete joy every-time Jasper pulled a penny from behind her ear, which he did over and over, had made me drop all protective feelings for her and get them the fuck out of my hair. They started dancing the minute I pulled up and the last I saw of them Jasper was pole dancing on a street lamp.

I was happy enough. Jasper was a good guy. I never worried he would string my sister along. I knew that would never happen, they seemed to be just having good fun anyway.

This plan of Jaspers, that I had signed up to, was making me feel more in control. I just hoped it wouldn't fucking backfire. The thoughts of coming this far and not getting her back just fucking killed me.

The lights turned green.

I threw the car into second and flew off, around the corner.

I saw Bella before she saw me. Knowing she worked on that street meant I involuntarily scanned for her car. I saw her coming around the side of the restaurant and some fucking long haired asshole had her by the elbow. She didn't look too happy about it. She looked up and saw me and I watched her register and then flag me down. She waved at me with such relief on her face. I was so surprised. She ran around the driver side and asked me if I could give her a lift. I nearly pinched myself. Too good to be fucking true. Bella Swan. In. My. Car.

The last time she'd been in this car I'd been fucking her. The thought had my dick straining against my jeans.

I was pretty much fucking speechless as she slipped in beside me and then I'd just driven off with her there, afraid to say anything in case she dissolved like the figment of my imagination she usually was.

She broke the silence, "Thanks Edward, you really saved me there"

"Who was that guy?" I asked.

"My boss, James. He is a complete creep." She said, leaning forward and rubbing the condensation off the windscreen on her side with her cuff. "He is harmless but I hate being alone with him so thanks for stopping."

"Where is your own car?" I asked, feeling protective of Bella and wanting to beat the shit out of this boss guy, even though he hadn't actually done anything.

"It stopped. I mean it cut out and wouldn't start. I'll get Jacob to have a look at it tomorrow I suppose." She seemed chirpy, unfazed by our closeness.

"Hows things been?" She asked me then, "How is your face?"

"Fine now" I said, looking at my cheek in the rearview. The bruise had faded in the week since Eric's party and now just looked like I'd forgotten to wash it for a few days.

"I'm sorry about that you know" She said, grabbing her handbag to her chest like a stuffed animal.

"Are you cold?" I asked, choosing to ignore the apology. It wasn't her fist that had hit my face after all. I also didn't want to hear any excuses for that meathead gorilla.

She shook her head, "I'm fine" Her voice caught and she coughed. The heat between us was there but given the situation it was slightly muted. Bella had asked me for the lift so she didn't feel trapped or pressured. I could still feel her in the space, I could smell her, the hairs on my arms were standing up with the close proximity to her. I fucking loved this woman. It was so surreal to have her just sitting in my car, relaxed and happy, after all the struggles of the past month.

She pressed the button to turn on the CD player and the cab was suddenly filled with music. My music.

"Oh my god! I love this song" She said leaning forward and turning up the volume a little. She slumped back into her chair, her foot tapping against the curve of the foot well.

"You couldn't know this?" I said, disbelieving. She must have it wrong.

"No, I do! I love this. My mom sent me the soundtrack to some little movie she saw" Bella said, "She liked it because the song was called Bella."

"I know" I said flatly.

"Oh...this is a CD" Bella realised, "You own this CD too? How come?"

I just shook my head. Fucking hell. What was I supposed to say now? I knew I should have been more cryptic but they'd asked me to give it a name one day before the release. I'd just been fucking honest. Every song I wrote was about her anyway.

"Well, its a coincidence." Bella said, and I could see her little mind ticking "Its such an obscure movie."

"I know." I said.

"I'm really surprised you have this CD" Bella seemed to be getting ruffled, "I mean the movie didn't even show in theaters over here. My mom only saw it by complete chance. How did you see it?"

"The movie was made by a friend of Jaspers" I said truthfully.

"No fucking way!" Bella frowned and looked across at me from under her eyebrows. "I didn't even know it was American, I presumed French or something. Its such pretty music. I really want to see it. The movie."

"I have a copy" I said, "You can have it."

"Oh" She said, scratching at her knee with her index finger.

I took the turn off for Forks and headed to Bella's house. The lights along the road were illuminating her face at second intervals and she just looked so beautiful. Her head was resting on her arm, and she had propped her elbow against the window frame. She was absent-mindedly playing with her hair. I could barely look at her. I just wanted to keep driving past her house and on to our churchyard. I considered it. I knew she wouldn't resist me. I couldn't do that though. My plan was too important. I wanted Bella to come to me this time. I wanted her to make the choice to be with me. No confusion.

I pulled up outside her house and stood out of the car, walking around to the passenger side to open Bella's door. She took a minute before stepping out and I registered a brief flit of something cross her face. I hoped it was disappointment.

This was good.

* * *

_When the routine bites hard_

_And ambitions are low_

_And the resentment rides high_

_But emotions wont grow_

_And we're changing our ways,_

_Taking different roads_

_Then love, love will tear us apart again_

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

It was so strange to be with Edward in his car again. The smell was so familiar, a heady mix of leather and vanilla. The air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror was the same, I noticed.

I pushed my hands into the seat, it was so familiar.

Part of me wanted to just tell him to keep driving. This little surreal taste of my past with him was taking me over. It surprised me slightly that he still drove the same way, one hand on the wheel the other on the gear shift. I don't know why I'd thought he wouldn't. I wanted him to be different, to have lost all the little things that made me want him so much. The way he crooked an eyebrow when I prattled on too long about something insignificant. The way he laughed through his nose. The way the corners of his mouth gave him away when he tried not to laugh. The way his hair fell into his eyes when he shook his head. The way he pulled it back with his fingers, raked it through until it was standing higher than before. Everything was the same.

When he pulled up at my house I was reluctant to leave the car. I was angry with myself for briefly wishing he would just try something. I longed for the comfort I always found in his arms, it was so easy. But he didn't. He opened my door for me and I took his extended hand for balance as I stood out. His hands. I missed them.

The new me quickly shook away those feelings. No fucking way. I had made my choice and look, it was easy. I could be in Edwards company and nothing needed to happen. It would only get easier.

I was feeling really good about that as I walked up the driveway to my house. I'd just spent an hour in Edward's company and there had been no argument, no stress and no fucking. Sitting into his car again had ignited the fire, don't get me wrong, but it had been controllable. I had felt safe and secure with him. I hadn't been under pressure.

Of course I would still long for him, that never changed from day to day, but I needed to wake up about the fact that it was only because he was great at _it_. Edward Cullen was a good screw. _That was all. _ I dreamt about fucking him, thought about it all the time. The guys smile made my legs straighten and my lungs fill. It was not meant to be however and tonight had been an eye opener. I could be around him, and he could be around me without anything happening and without any blow ups or stress.

It felt like a new beginning.

He drove away pretty much immediately instead of his usual waiting until I was inside and I supposed that was what _friends_ got. No mollycoddling. That was fine.

As I reached my front door I heard Charlie shouting, and I stopped short of putting the key in the lock.

"You can't keep coming back like this" He shouted and I heard my mothers voice reply.

"I come back to see my daughter."

"You and I both know thats only half the reason" Charlie shouted and I suddenly heard his footsteps moving toward the front door so I stepped back.

The door swung open and Charlie came through it, in his full police gear. He stopped when he saw me and his face went from angry to pleasant surprise in one second. Then I heard a scuffle from the sitting room and my mother came into view, not seeing me until it was too late and she had already shouted, "Its just sex Charlie" right after my father.

Then she saw me and her jaw dropped, her face reddened and she ran back into the house and up the stairs. My father, in complete denial, had a little conversation with me about the weather and then went off to his nightshift. I stood there for a while and then went into the house, shutting the door behind me and making my way to the kitchen where I stood leaning on the sink for support as my whole world as I knew it seemed to crash and burn.

My parents were fucking?

It couldn't be. I felt sick. Charlie was _still_ being the fool for my mother. The woman who had walked out on him, taken me away, and hopped from bed to bed for the next fifteen years. Now he was sleeping with her again. Had that even ever stopped?

It made me sick. The lack of self control. The lack of pride on both their parts. How could they be such assholes? My mother has a boyfriend. So she was not only playing Charlie for a fool but Phil too.

My mouth watered and I thought I might be sick, so I ran the faucet and took a sip of water with my hands.

I was so shell shocked I could barely stand. My father was a fool. It disgusted me. Where was his pride? He'd been alone for fifteen years and now he was taking what he could get from the woman he loved? That wasn't devotion. That wasn't romantic. That was pathetic.

I was not like that. I would never hold a torch for someone who treated me badly, didn't want me. I mean, look at the situation with Edward. Sure I could so easily just slip back into his arms, into his bed and live happily ever after. What would that say to him though? Bella is a fool? Bella doesn't have any respect for herself?

I would rather be alone with my self respect than with anyone without it.

My parents disgusted me. I couldn't stay here. But where would I go? It was just so revolting. My mother was cheating on Phil with _my dad_.

Her words echoed in my ears, _"Its just sex Charlie"_ and made my head spin. It was so fucked up.

My mother was a bitch and my father was a fool.

I tried Jacob's phone but it went to voice mail. I didn't want to call Angela, it was too late. I has no car either to just get out of here for a while.

So I just slipped up the stairs as quietly as I could and went to my room. I locked the door, half afraid my mother would try to discuss her adultery with me. Was it even adultery? I mean what was it called when you fucked someone you were married to once? Ugh.

I lay down on my bed, fully clothed and stared at the ceiling. My life was so full of pressure. I had to deal with so much. Edward being home was only the beginning. Now I had this, this insanity in my own house. My parents were fucking. It made my stomach churn.

I rolled over onto my stomach and dropped my phone onto the comforter. I fingered the keypad, pressed on the contacts and scrolled down. Edward's number was still there, I knew the likelihood was that he had changed it. Nostalgia flooded through me. Sitting in his car just an hour ago, driving in the night. I could remember how it used to feel, in that seat, like nothing could hurt us. We had been invincible.

Before I could really think it through my fingers had moved over the buttons and I'd typed a message.

**Thanks for saving**

**me. It was good **

**to see you.**

**Bella.**

I pressed send. Somewhere inside me I completely believed the number was void. It just never struck me that there was a possibility that the message would get to him. I lay my head back on the pillow just as the phone vibrated with two distinct beeps and my whole body went hot with the fright. I grabbed the phone and pressed read.

**No prob. Good **

**to see you too.**

My heart sunk into my feet. Why had I done that? Why had I texted Edward? What was I fucking doing?

I read his message over and over.

What the fuck was I thinking? Edward Cullen was _nothing_ to me.

The phone beeped again, and I had to inhale deeply to calm myself before pressing read.

It was from Edward and it was just one line.

**What are you **

**doing tomorrow?**


	17. Chapter 17

_When everything goes wrong_

_Sometimes it makes no sense_

_There once was a time_

_I should have known better then_

_Although you may try_

_It won't come your way again_

_Hey, little girl_

_Where will you hide?_

* * *

_Edward_

* * *

Shit. _Too soon._ Too fucking soon.

I'd jumped the gun, asked her what she was doing tomorrow and it was now nearly an hour later and no reply. What the fuck should I do?

Alice and Jasper weren't back yet, I had no fucking clue who else to ask for advice. Part of me was telling myself to just text her and go Shit only realised I'd sent that to you, sorry meant for someone else. I typed it out four or five times but deleted it. I couldn't send that. My plan may be to stop coming on so strong with Bella, it did not include trying to make her jealous. With everything that happened the last time.

I threw my phone onto the floor and pressed my face into the cold leather of the couch in my room. Too soon. Too fucking soon. Jesus where was my resolve? I had just played a blinder. Sitting in my car with her acting like I didn't have to fight to keep from fucking her right there. It was the perfect play. Now I had gone and completely fucked it up.

She must be laughing at me. I bet she was sitting there looking at the message and thinking I must have a screw lose. Hadn't she told me enough times? I was such a fucking asshole.

I stood up. I was exhausted after this hour of complete mind fuck and I really needed a cigarette. I stared at my phone for another five minutes and then got the fuck out of that room. I stormed down to the bar and ordered myself a whisky, then I sat there staring at the clock for twenty minutes and then just fucking downed my drink in one gulp. The alcohol hit the back of my throat and burned my nose. My eyes watered but I just shook it off. Then I just stormed back to my room, and sat back down on the couch again. I could see the blue light of the LCD screen on my phone reflecting onto the carpet and so I grabbed the phone and saw there was a message waiting. Fuck. I was so pissed off with myself I barely fucking read it.

**There is a beach**

**party on at LaPush**

**are you going? **

It could mean anything. It was evasive as hell but then again it answered the fucking question. I didn't text back. Pissed off as I was at myself, I was still going to tell Jasper what I had done. He'd sort it out. He was the best man for the job. Just as I thought that the adjoining door to my room swung open and Jasper stood with his hands on his hips looking like a deluded superman.

"Eddie! I'm in love with your sister!" He declared and strode into the room. "I just dropped her home like the gentleman I am, but I will admit to you now that tongues did touch if but briefly."

"Good."I said, throwing a pillow at him "At least one of us is getting somewhere"

"Oh oh" Jasper said wagging his finger, "Do I detect a sad note to your tone?"

"Yeah" I said flopping back into the couch, "I fucked up the plan, I asked Bella what she was doing tomorrow."

"But what? How? You haven't seen her in a week." Jasper sat down on the bed and started pulling off his boots discarding them back over his head.

"I fucking gave her a lift earlier" I said, "and it was all cool. So being the asshole I am I went and fucked it up again."

"You asked her out?"

"By text. After. She fucking texted me." I closed my eyes and sighed, "She fucking texted me and I lost my game."

Jasper looked at me with a frown, "Hey Eddie, don't beat yourself up. You love this girl. You are doing so well. I'm proud of you my friend."

I shook my head, "Maybe I won't get her back..."

Jasper clapped loudly, "Enough of that!" He said, "Positivity!"

He pulled off his waistcoat and threw it at me. I caught it before it whacked me in the face and let it drop to the floor. I sighed and shook my head, pressing the keypad to bring Bella's message onto the screen and then throwing the phone to Jasper.

He read it, looked at me and then read it again.

"What do you think she means?"

I rubbed my face with my palms, "I was hoping you could help me with that." I said, "Balls!"

"Hang on. What did you ask?" Jasper threw the phone back to me.

"I said 'What are you doing tomorrow?'" I said, biting my bottom lip and rolling my eyes, "I know it was fucking stupid, I just lost it for a minute and it was too late to take back. Fucking text messages."

Jasper stood up and started to pace the room, "Okay look. Text her back and say this. Think so. Prob see you there."

I typed it into the phone. I looked at it sitting there for ages. It was as vague as her message. Fucking perfect.

"Jesus Jazz, thanks man" I said pressing send. I was exhausted from all the thinking. This couldn't go on much longer. I'd have a breakdown of some sort if I didn't get Bella back soon, each day was so fucking tense, wondering where she was, what she was doing, thinking.

I didn't get a reply. I lay awake long after turning in, staring at the moon through the window. I wished I could just head over to Bella's house, in the dark and climb in her window. Just to watch her sleep. Just to hold her. Fucking Bella was amazing, don't get me wrong, but I really wanted to _be_ with her. Just be _with_ her. Living life as I was, but with her in it.

I would have these fantasies about coming back from running and Bella being in the kitchen of our apartment, overlooking the ocean, maybe in San Diego. She'd be wearing little shorts and a vest and she'd be cooking French toast or something. I'd make coffee. We'd do that little dance around each other that couples do, I'd lean across her to get the mugs and she'd hand me the milk from the fridge. All perfect sync.

Yeah it was soppy but it made me feel so fucking happy that it could come true. Thats all I wanted. Bella.

* * *

_Thorn in my side._

_You know thats all you'll ever be._

_So don't think you know better_

'_cause thats what you mean to me..._

_I was feeling complicated._

_I was feeling low._

_Now every time I think of you_

_I shiver to the bone..._

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

I had stared at my phone for ages. Why did he do this to me? Send tingles through my body with just one text message. I had ran a bath, and lain in it trying to relax before I answered. This was so fucking difficult. It was _just_ physical attraction. Chemicals. I was not ruled by chemicals. No fucking way.

The truth was, and I found it so hard to admit to myself, that I missed Edward on top of everything else. Everything about him. His voice, his face. It was like I needed them to exist when I was around him, they filled a void. His hands. I ached for him to touch me. I needed time to undo the attachment. Obviously a year was not enough. Maybe I needed to leave town too. Make sure I got over it for good.

The hot water soothed me as I lay in it. I couldn't resist holding my breath and slipping under the water for as long as my lungs would allow. I had such a strange fascination with being underwater since my accident last year. It had been so peaceful, at the end. To give up that fight and just go with it. The water rushing into me had been welcome after the struggle. I would never forget the peace that had come with just giving up.

When the water had completely cooled and goosebumps were covering my arms and legs I stood out of the water, wrapped myself in a towel and returned to my room. The phone sat on my dresser, still, with the message displayed and I just shook my head. I didn't want to lead Edward on, and obviously he had taken from our civility in the car that I was on for a date.

I picked the phone up and dialed Angela.

She answered with a husk in her voice that told me she'd been sleeping.

"Shit Ange, sorry" I said, "I'll ring you tomorrow"

"No its fine, I was just dozing" She said and I could hear her sitting up, "I've still to walk the fucking dog anyway so I'm glad you rang."

"Oh" I replied, wondering if it would be more mannerly to chit chat before launching into my problem.

"How was work?" She asked, "James being creepy as usual?"

"Yeah" I said, "My fucking car broke down, I nearly got stuck having to take a ride from him."

"Ugh" Angela said, "how did you get out of that one?"

"Edward Cullen was driving by and gave me a ride instead."

"Shut UP!" She said, "I don't fucking believe you!" She burst out laughing.

"Oh Angela..." I sighed, "I'm so screwed"

"Why? Did you fuck him?" She giggled again.

"No!" I said, looking at myself in the mirror and pushing my hair off my face. I looked bare and young without my makeup. I didn't like it. "He just gave me a ride."

"I bet he did..."

"Oh Angela, it was all very civil." I said, "But then I did the most stupid fucking thing, and texted him when i got home to say thank you. I don't fucking know why I did. Anyway he texted back, he said, 'What are you doing tomorrow?'"

"And...? What did you say?" Angela didn't seem to see the enormity of my dilemma here and it was beginning to piss me off.

"Angela, for fucks sake!" I said, "You know it isn't good between me and Edward. I don't want to see him. I haven't texted him back yet. I don't know if I will. I don't want to lead him on."

"Oh right" Angela sounded slightly sarcastic. "Yeah, leading Edward Cullen on would be baaad"

"Hey I rang you for support" I said sharply, "Stop kidding around, I need you to help me with this, what do I text back?"

There was a pause and I heard Angela sigh, "Okay Bella, I'm sorry!" She said flatly, "I just think you need to relax a bit. You are not even twenty. Its just guy trouble not the end of the world."

I didn't answer that.

"Look" She continued, "There is that stupid beach party in La Push tomorrow, Jacob asked me to make sure you are there. Text Edward that you'll be at that, say 'are you going?' in a vague way. It says nothing and if he turns up you can just wave and avoid him if thats what you want. That way you aren't burning your bridges and-"

"Hey!" I cut her off, "What do you mean 'burning my bridges'? I do not, categorically NOT, want to ever go out with Edward Cullen. Okay?" I hated that Angela did not think I was serious. I had never been so serious in my life, "Angela, I really need you to back me up on this, I _cannot_ be with him. It damn near destroyed me the last time. I changed. I don't want to be that girl again. You weren't my friend then, you didn't see."

There was another pause.

"I _am_ backing you up Bella" Angela said, "but I also don't want to back you into a corner. I want you to know that if you change your mind, if you want to be with Edward, well, I won't think any less of you. Okay?"

"Its not going to happen." I demanded.

"Okay, well text him back that you are going to the beach party. He is hardly going to turn up there is he? Jacob's patch and all."

"Good idea." I replied, "I'll text him now. Thanks Angela, see you tomorrow."

"Have a think about what I said Bella" Angela said before she hung up, "Sometimes you can be too stubborn for your own good. See you tomorrow anyway."

"Its not going to happen" I said to myself as I hung up on her. I hated that she didn't get it. I wanted nothing to do with Edward. I really needed her to support that. To fight in my corner.

As I typed the message into my phone a little too forcefully and pressed send I felt like ringing her back. I wanted to shout at her. Make her realise I was not, and would not be in love with Edward fucking Cullen ever again.

I didn't of course, valuing her friendship above the misunderstanding. I'd have to clear it up with her tomorrow though. At the beach party. I did not want Edward Cullen. That was the whole point.

I needed Angela to really understand that. Really understand and support that.

In case I lost sight of it again.

* * *


	18. Chapter 18

**_I haven't said Hi in a while! So HI! And thank you of course for all the lovely reviews that you've been taking the time to send me, I love getting them! Its such a buzz! Those of you who haven't reviewed yet - do! I really do take each one on and it helps me sort out the story in my head. They are great! _**

**_Now I have had a heap of pms pointing out the lack of lemons in the last few chapters! Sorry guys but I'm really trying to make this story as real as I can, so you'll have to wait, you pack of animals!! LOL!! I have a feeling though that a cold and lonely night at the beach may have bella looking for a HOT body to press against!! So wait and see!! If Edward shows up anyway... Do you think he will? Thats for Chapter 19 anyway!! _**

**_Lots of Love, MLWA!! xx_**

* * *

_You and me _

_We used to be together _

_Everyday together always _

_I really feel _

_That I'm losing my best friend _

_I can't believe_

_This could be the end _

_It looks as though you're letting go _

_And if it's real _

_Well, I don't want to know _

_Don't speak _

_I know just what you're saying_

_So please stop explaining _

_Don't tell me cause it hurts_

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

Beach parties in Forks were not like what you'd imagine.

First of all, no one wears shorts. Second of all, no one EVER goes swimming. Third, they are over pretty early. Once the sun goes down it is completely freezing so its not long before everyone bales. The idea is always well received, but the reality is a different story. When the sand turns icy and it gets sore to stand into the wind, we're out of there. Its good though while it lasts. There is usually music blaring from someone's car, a fire and basically a chance to catch up with friends who have maybe been away or whatever.

I dressed warmly. I put leggings under my jeans, two pairs of socks. Layers. That was my dads advice. Two long sleeve tee-shirts and a hoody under my jacket. A baseball hat and a beanie. Lucky I wasn't too vain. I did overdo the make up though, to make sure I wasn't mistaken for a boy.

Jacob was collecting me and Angela was meeting me there. My father had said one of the squad cars would probably be in the area when we needed to go home, so I was to call him. I was still really pissed off with my parents, but neither of them had raised the topic and I wasn't going to either. I just pretended to myself that I had heard wrong. They were talking about something else.

I was ready way too early and so sat around the living room, not having the time to strip off my extra layers but baking in the central heating with them on. Great. I'd fucking stink.

I heard Jacob's car pull up and was out the door and down the drive before he had even unbuckled his belt.

"Hi" He said as I sat in to the passenger seat.

"Hi" I said, and ruffled his hair, "I feel like I haven't seen you in ages." I did. It felt like in the last couple of weeks Jacob and I had been distant. It was weird, and I couldn't put my finger on it. Just a lack of good morning texts and late night chats maybe. I had began to feel he wasn't _there_ for me, not like he used to.

"Ah I've been busy" He said and I detected an unusual tone in his voice, like nerves? What on earth?

"Bella." He suddenly said very seriously, clearing his throat and looking me straight in the eye. "I want you to know you are one of my best friends, and...well we both know you were _more_ than that at one time...to _me_ at least."

I stared back, what on earth was coming?

"Anyway."He said looking away and starting the engine,"I wanted to just tell you - I need to tell you something. I have...well...I've...I'm..."

"Just fucking spit it out Jacob" I said, my stomach in knots. What the fuck was he trying to tell me?

"I'm screwing Leah" He said and his eyes widened when he heard himself and he burst out laughing, "I mean, fuck! I mean I am _seeing_ Leah, Clearwater. Sorry." He shook his head, "I can't believe I said that." He muttered under his breath.

I was instantly plunged into the weirdest bundle of emotions I had ever experienced.

Jealousy, Loss, Relief, and Regret all in one big ball. I had no idea what my face looked like but Jacob suddenly looked irritated and said, "Well what the fuck did you think was going to happen Bella? I'd be _your_ lap dog for the rest of my life?"

"Jesus Jake..." I was sharp, "I don't deserve that. I just didn't know you were seeing anyone, I'm a little thrown. Christ."

"Why the fuck are _you_ thrown?" He huffed, pulling the car onto the hard shoulder, switching the engine off and turning to face me.

For the first time ever Jacob intimidated me, he turned his body so I felt pinned in the corner.

I turned and popped the door. Then I stood out of the car, Jacob following suit and joining me around the passenger side. He was angry. His hands were balled into fists and he was completely still as he towered over me. We stood there for a long moment before he just lost it. He started pacing back and forth, gesticulating wildly as he shouted at me.

"Fucking hell!" He said, "I have fucking done everything for you! Patience isn't the fucking word for what I've had with you. You _used_ me. You fucking used me. You dangled me on a fucking string for nearly a year. I was crazy about you Bella, but apart from that I actually love you. Like _really_ love. You are one of the most important people in my fucking life. You are like family to me." He shook his head, "But I'm not going to be a patsy anymore. I want you in my life Bella, but I'm moving on too. I'm happy with this thing thats going on with Leah and I want you to be happy with it too."

"I am" I pleaded, wishing I could just stop my face from always giving me away to Jacob, "I am happy. I'm just a selfish bitch who wants you to myself. Don't mind me. I'm happy for you."

"Don't give her a hard time" Jacob suddenly warned.

I narrowed my eyes, "What the...as if! Jesus, Jake..."

"Good" He said and I realised I did not like this side of Jacob, this bossy mean side. I'd never really seen it before. He was always my cuddly bear, my hero. I missed him already.

I'd miss being able to hug him when I needed it, I obviously couldn't do that now. I would hate some girl to be like that with my boyfriend and I didn't want an enemy of Leah. She intimidated me enough. She was really good looking, in a boyish way and with the most amazing body, and the fact that she was the only girl in a gang of eight boys gave her extra kudos.

I was jealous, but not of her _fucking_ Jacob. Hopefully they'd be better at it than we ever were. It was the comfort I found in him that I would miss. I would have to go cold turkey now, I couldn't hang out of him or sit on his knee if Leah was there. It wasn't fair. Jacob probably wouldn't agree, but I wasn't going to be that girl.

Instead, I supposed as I sat back into Jacob's car and spent the rest of the journey looking out the window. I would be the girl standing on the sidelines, as everyone else got on with their lives and I remained stuck in this limbo.

****

We were early. La Push being Jacob's territory he wanted to get things organized with the rest of them.

"Hey Embry" I said as we passed Jacob's friend as he hauled a log along the beach to where the bonfire was being built.

He didn't answer me. I suddenly felt paranoid about everything. Everyone. Jacob's words stung in my ears, _You fucking used me_. Was that what _everyone_ thought? Had they only been friendly to me so far because they wanted Jacob to get the girl? Now that he had moved on, had they too?

"Hey Embry never said hi back" I tugged at Jacob's sleeve, "Is he pissed off with me?"

"He didn't say hi to me either Bella" Jacob said, dismissively.

I started drowning in my paranoia. Why did I have such extreme reactions to what were probably normal things? Why was I such an over thinker? Ugh. I wanted to pull my fucking brain out. My eyes flitted across the small group that had gathered by a large green van. Sam Uley was pulling big trays of beer out and passing them along to a table that someone had set up by the rocks. There was no need for ice in La Push.

I hunted their faces for reactions to me as we walked up. Sam said hi, but was that a fake smile? His girlfriend, Emily, looked over her shoulder and waved. I was so fucking paranoid, did she look away too fast? Did she catch Sam's eye as she did? Did they all think I was a complete bitch for what I'd done to Jacob? How had I never even considered this before?

Ugh. I walked away from the crowd, wandering down to where the tide broke against the sand. Fuck Jacob. Who the fuck did he think he was to lay all this shit on me now? I didn't fucking use him. I fucking needed him._ That_ was what it had been about. I _did_ love Jacob. It wasn't my fault there was no chemistry between us. _It wasn't my fault_. I _didn't_ fucking use him.

I heard soft steps behind me and snapped my head around. It was Leah Clearwater.

"Hey Bella" She said, with a soft smile on her face. She was wrapped in a huge black jacket that I recognized as Jacob's, and a stab of regret rocked my heart.

"Hi Leah" I said back, kicking at the sand and feeling awkward. What had Jacob confided in her? What secrets of mine had he told her? I felt slightly out of control.

She tilted her head to one side and bit her lower lip.

"I don't want things to be weird...for _you_" She said.

I wanted to hit her. She was being kind but I was losing my comfort blanket and it all felt so unfair.

"They aren't weird Leah" I said, hoping I didn't sound as catty as I felt. I didn't know how to talk to her about this, so I just gave up and decided to be honest, I took a deep breath "I mean, look, no you're right - of course it will be weird for me. I mean I'm so used to being Jacob's date for things, you know, and now you will be so it'll take me a bit to get used to not looking to him for...whatever."

"Maybe we can be a threesome though?" Leah said, with a little laugh and I wished she would stop being so fucking nice to me and let me hate her like I really wanted to. "I mean, its not like I'm the romantic kind anyway, I'm just happy to finally get with Jacob! I've liked him for ages," She smiled, "but I know you guys are tight and I'm so cool with that."

I half nodded and half shook my head.

"Bella really." She continued, "I want us all to hang out. I know how much you mean to Jake, I don't think he'd survive a week without seeing you. I know how crazy he is about you...just because I am _with_ him, doesn't mean anything. It shouldn't change anything."

I nodded and looked her in the eye, "Thanks Leah. I appreciate it."

She smiled and backed off, turning and walking back to the gang. I watched as Jacob bumped her with his hip and then smiling pulled her into a hug. Then he released her and kissed the top of her head before grazing her cheek with his fist. I noticed Emily look from the happy couple to where I was. I closed my eyes hard. I was a selfish fucking bitch and I had to cop the fuck on. Jacob had never been mine, I'd never wanted him that way. Why was I feeling jealous?

I didn't know what to do now, they all knew I was upset down here and now I would just feel like an asshole walking back up, where would I stand? My usual spot beside Jacob was taken.

I kicked at the sand feeling completely overwhelmed. I dodged the lapping waves, and walked a little further up the beach. I heard Jacob call my name and looked up to see him running down the beach after me.

"What are you doing?" He said, slowing to a stop about 5 feet away. He looked irritated.

"What do you mean? I'm not doing anything." I said

"Yes, you are. You are standing off on your own like a spoilt little kid." He spat onto the sand. I wrinkled my nose, he was always doing that.

"I'm not. I just don't feel..."

"What? Welcome?" Jacob put his hands on his hips, "This is _so _typical of you Bella"

I dropped my mouth open and tried to look incensed, "What?"

"Its you all over. You can't handle change of any kind." He said looking more serious than I'd ever seen him.

I was speechless.

"Bella, I fucking adore you. You know that but you get so worked up over every thing, shit that happens to everyone." Jacob rubbed his mouth with the palm of his hand, almost as if he couldn't believe he was saying this to me, "Like what? You break up with Cullen and you fucking fall apart. I didn't. You fucking _broke_ my heart but I just got on with things. I took your friendship and was happy with that. I want you in my life but I want to _have_ a fucking life."

"I don't have a problem" I demanded through my teeth. I hated hearing him say i broke his heart. It hurt.

"Bella, you are standing twenty feet from everyone else. You are kicking sand around and looking like you've lost a million dollars. Give me a fucking break."

I resisted the urge to say _what do you care_?

He shook his head and balled his fists up, "Ugh. You are so frustrating. Look stay down here if you want, we all want you up here but you are coming across like a fucking idiot at the moment and I don't like you letting yourself down like this. Now come on with me up to the gang."

I paused, realizing I had gotten myself into a little corner here. I needed a break.

"Jake, can you and me go to get a beer and then go over? So its not as obvious as you coming down here to slap me in line?"

His eyes twinkled and he shook his head.

"You want a diversion?"

I nodded, "Kind of"

He waggled his eyebrows and suddenly launched at me throwing me over his shoulder and running up the beach with me. The blood rushed to my head and I squealed.

We reached the gang and he set me down. Leah was laughing and shaking her head at me kindly, "You two! Like brother and sister..." She said, giving me an out. I looked down at the ground, feeling like a complete idiot. She was a cool girl. Jacob was a great guy. I tried to reach down into myself and pull out some happiness for them.

Jacob grabbed me into a one armed hug, and then he did the same with Leah.

"Look at me!" He said loudly to the group, "Two women who fucking love me!"

Leah was the first to punch him in the stomach, but I followed suit a second later.

As we chased Jacob around the beach and he whooped and yelled about being chased by two women, and I laughed and played along, I had never felt lonelier.

In that weird place in my head, with all those weird emotions I suddenly wished Edward was there.

As the crowds arrived and groups began to drift in and sit around the fire I suddenly found myself seeking his face and feeling reels of disappointment when each one was not his.


	19. Chapter 19

_You say you'll give me_

_Eyes in a moon of blindness_

_A river in a time of dryness_

_A harbour in the tempest_

_But all the promises we make_

_From the cradle to the grave_

_When all I want is you_

* * *

_Edward_

* * *

I didn't go to the beach with Alice and Jasper. Initially I had decided that I wouldn't go at all. Seeing Bella was all I wanted but I had thought about this carefully. If I wasn't there it might light that spark, you know, that little piece that hadn't yet fallen into place. She might miss me...and if she missed me she might realise that I still _was_ part of her life. I would be. Forever.

Then at about eleven o'clock I couldn't take it anymore and I just headed there. The thoughts of Bella being somewhere where I could be too was irresistible. I was sitting on the couch one minute, watching some shit on the television, then I was up and out the door.

I took Emmett's truck. Fuck him.

It was freezing as I arrived at the beach and I rooted in the boot for more clothes, layering myself up and looking like a fucking hobo. I pulled my beanie hat on resisting the urge to look at my reflection in the mirror, knowing I probably looked like a fucking idiot.

Then I pushed myself to walk through the gap in the dunes, and toward the huge crowd of kids that were in the full swing of the party.

I scanned the crowd for her. There she was, standing with her eyes closed in the middle of that huge crowd. I couldn't figure out what she was doing, but then she opened her eyes and was looking straight at me.

Then it all happened so fast, I barely have memories of it, it was so fast I couldn't even think straight.

Bella was there, right in front of me, then she was walking to me with her head down and then we were so fucking close. My heart was pounding. She snaked her little hands up around my neck and then she was kissing me and whispering "_Take me somewhere_" and I thought I might actually explode with happiness or die or something just as extreme. I just fucking picked her up and carried her back to where I'd parked the truck.

* * *

_The way that you hold me  
Whenever you hold me  
There's some kind of magic inside you  
That keeps me from runnin'  
But just keep it comin'  
How'd you learn to do the things you do?_

_Oh, and nobody does it better  
Makes me feel sad for the rest  
Nobody does it half as good as you_

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

I sat on Quil's bony knee because he had made such a fuss. It suddenly seemed everyone was compensating. Then when Jacob and Leah had forgotten everyone and started kissing and moving away from the fire, Quil had linked my arm and started being way friendlier than he ever had before. It was weird. He'd sat down on a log and slapped his knee like crazy until I had agreed and now I was perched there, feeling distraught and abandoned. I wanted to go home. I was so tempted to ring my dad, but I couldn't have taken another harsh word from Jacob. He was right too, I was pissed because he was not there to be my buddy. That was completely selfish and I had to cop the fuck on.

The guys from school arrived, a rowdy crowd singing the school anthem. Mike Newton gave me a nuggie on the head as soon as he saw it was me under all my wrappings, and I was glad of the distraction. I stood half in the Quilleyate circle and half out with my school friends, feeling unsure of every move I made. Eventually the two groups mingled and the party really got going.

Angela still hadn't arrived and I pulled my phone out of my jean pocket, a difficult enough job when wearing mittens, only to see a text from her. I knew immediately she wasn't coming and I got so fucking mad.

**Eric was here**

**crying today.**

**Can't come.**

**Too weird**.

Oh for fucks sake. Eric fucking Yorkie ruining everything. I texted her back as well as I could without taking my mittens off, just to say okay and not to worry. Selfish inside would not mean selfish outside. Not tonight anyway.

Some of the girls from school had built another smaller fire and eventually I made my way over to say Hi to those I knew. Jessica Stanley was holding court, with her minions listening intently to her every word but I just ignored her and leaned in to tap my friend Charlotte on the shoulder. I'd always got on really well with her and her sister Mary and they were both pleased to see me so I crouched down and had the usual "Hows your summer going?" conversation.

Charlotte started telling me about her easy going job at the local tourist office.

"I'm telling you Bella, no-one ever comes in there..."

Something made me zone out from her and then my heart ran cold as I heard Jessica Stanley say something about Edward.

I snapped my head around, muttering an apology to Charlotte for cutting her off and listened.

"...was hilarious! You know Alice Cullen, the little one. She might be here tonight, she told me she was coming." She was squeaking, her ponytail bobbing and the largest pair of ear muffs I have ever seen stuck on each side of her head. She was fucking ridiculous.

"...Yeah, her brother Edward - Hot-ty! Mmm the guy would have you in knots - he is so funny! Well, he was there, with her and they were saying they might come. I distinctly got the impression that Edward was glad to hear I was coming, if you get what I'm saying..." She looked up then, and caught my eye, smirking and said, "Hi Bella."

I wanted to fucking smash her teeth down her throat. Fury roared its way from the centre of my stomach through every limb, balling my fists and clenching my teeth. I just stormed off, losing myself in the darkness and heading off on my own down the beach. Fucking bitch. Who the fuck did she think she was? Edward Cullen wouldn't wipe his shoes on her. Presumptuous wasn't the word. Deluded. Fucking deluded.

Why was it making me so furious? I had already established this evening that I had a jealous streak, but why so furious that Jessica Stanley might try it on with Edward. He wasn't mine. I didn't want him.

I didn't want him. Did I? Could it be that I just didn't want him to be with anyone else?

Ugh I made myself sick.

I saw Alice and Jasper coming onto the beach and headed back up to get their attention. Alice saw me and waved, so did Jasper but then they turned away and headed to the other side of the crowd. I was falling apart, feeling so paranoid I didn't even know what was what. They are just getting by the fire I told myself. So I followed them, getting myself into Alice's eye line again and this time she smiled and said, "Hi Bella!" enthusiastically, giving me a one armed hug. Jasper smiled and lifted his palm in a quiet hello.

"Hi Alice" I said, feeling like I was fucking four years old and looking for the present that I knew would be here for me somewhere, and then I just blurted it out, "Is Edward here?"

She seemed to be surprised by my forwardness and did a little double take, looking at Jasper for a reaction and then back to me and said, "Uh...no Bella, he'd not coming."

I smiled, shrugging my shoulders, "Oh right." I said, thinking as fast as I could, "Its just Jessica-" I pointed behind me "-is really into him...so...." It sounded so disgusting the way I said it I was surprised Alice didn't just walk off.

Instead she just frowned and raised an eyebrow, looking at me like I was crazy and gave a quiet little "Oh..." as she looked over my shoulder to where Jessica and her bitch gang were sitting.

I felt like my head was suddenly fucking enormous or something. Like everyone was talking about me. I could almost hear people tittering at me. How was I this insecure all of a sudden? Jacob had thrown me completely off balance with his sudden fucking desire to have a girlfriend. Jessica had made me so fucking furious talking about Edward, as if she would have a chance. Now I was making shit up and I knew I must look so transparent to Alice and Jasper.

I just wanted to rewind.

I mumbled something about getting back to talk to someone and moved away. Jasper sat on a big camping chair that he had brought and pulled Alice down onto his knee. As I looked over my shoulder they had already forgotten about me and it appeared, the whole world. It was ridiculous, I felt so lonely.

My brain was in splinters. I felt like I was losing everything, but I didn't even fucking know what _everything_ was. Was it Jacob? I knew it wasn't. It certainly wasn't Edward Cullen either. Was it me? Was I losing me? Again?

I just wanted _something._

I found myself a seat and within minutes Eric Yorkie was sitting beside me. He tattled on about his new car or something for a minute and then started asking me about Angela.

"Have you talked to Angela?" The guy wasn't subtle.

"Not really Eric, not today" I said truthfully wishing he would just piss off. I had enough on my plate.

He nodded and stared at the fire for a minute, "I love her Bella. I want us to be a couple again"

"I know Eric" I said, "That isn't _enough_ though is it?"

"What?" He snapped his head up looking completely fucking miserable, "What do you mean?"

"You know..." I patted his arm, "Wanting something isn't enough to have it, I suppose is what I am saying. Just because you want Angela doesn't mean you can _have_ her. She wants different things, maybe. You just have to accept it"

"Did she say that?" He wiped his nose on his sleeves and I really fucking hoped the guy wouldn't cry.

"She didn't say anything." I said, "Eric you need to give her space, who knows what will happen. Just take some time. You know Eric, you will be glad it worked out like this when you meet the one for you, I promise" I stood up and he grabbed my ankle.

"Will you tell her I love her?" He said

I shook my head, "Eric she knows that. It just won't make a difference. Sorry"

I walked away. I considered going back off on my own down the beach but instead I stood in the middle of this big crowd of people, all having such fun, and wanted the ground to swallow me up. Eric was so pathetic, why on earth did he think Angela would like him more for being so pathetic. The guy had no pride. I was so glad I had never been that way, thanking God Edward had left town after we broke up. There was a couple of weeks, a year ago, when I probably would have gone over to his house and cried like a baby, and begged him to come back. He'd never seen that side to me. That was good. In his eyes I would never be pathetic. He hadn't completely destroyed me. I still had my pride.

It was such a weird duality that existed in my head. I hated Edward yet I wanted him. I felt like he could save me sometimes, from myself even. I wished I could just figure it out. What was this thing we had, that I felt would consume me if I even opened up to it for one second?

His face came into my mind and I closed my eyes. I wished he was here. I just wanted comfort, I wanted to get out of my own head for an hour and the only way i knew how was with Edward. My life was so fucked up at the moment. My parents were acting like fucking assholes, my mom was fucking around on Phil with my dad and probably had been since forever which made my dad an even worse fool and pretty much made my mother a slut. I couldn't trust anything that she had ever told me. All that seemingly sound advice. I had to only trust my own mind.

I stood there with my eyes shut and wished for Edward. It was a silly childish wish. It made me feel in control, that I could acknowledge my physical reaction to him without confusing it with love. I didn't love Edward. He just had the right chemicals and they were hard to resist.

I stood there with my eyes shut and wished for Edward.

I opened my eyes.

When I saw him standing_ right there_, right there in front of me I went into autopilot. Everything whirled away from me and it was just him standing there, and me. I practically ran into his arms, stopping just a millimeter away before completely losing control and asking him to take me somewhere.

He just fucking picked me up, breathing so heavily I thought he might either cry or fucking cum any second and brought me back to this monster jeep that was parked in the lane way leading to the beach.

He popped the lock as we neared it and set me down as he pulled the heavy door open and cleared the passenger seat. He turned and looked at me.

I shook my head, "I don't want to drive anywhere..." I said.

He stared at me and then looked at the ground for what seemed like an age before he just reached his hand out and without looking at me pulled open the door to the back seat. I stepped up into the dark cabin of the Jeep and pulled the door shut. Edward walked around the other side and opened the door. He stood for a moment, staring toward the beach before he got in beside me. He was tentative, careful.

I just sat there.

"It's cold" he said and reached into the drivers seat, ramming the key into the starter and turning it so hot air began blowing through the vents and the radio came on.

"Thanks" I said, raising my eyes to look at him.

He looked so young in this half light, the blaze on the beach tinting the air with reds and oranges and the streetlamp about twenty feet away highlighting his bone structure in blues and greys.

"Bella, I..." He began but I shook my head.

"Edward don't..." I said, looking away and staring out the window.

"I don't know what you want me to...do" He said and I looked back at him, he looked completely lost. I just closed my eyes, and breathed, then opened them again and nodded at him. He reached out and touched my neck, almost ghosted his finger over the hollow and along my collarbone.

I nodded again. He nodded back. He understood.

Edward leaned across, one hand placed lightly on my shoulder and the other holding the back of the driver seat for balance, and placed his lips on mine. I closed my eyes. I could feel him shaking and so I leaned into the kiss, hearing him inhale sharply and deeply through his nose sent my body into overdrive and I grabbed his head in both my arms and knocked him back to lie across the seat. I lay on him, crushing my lips onto his, opening my mouth in time with his and sliding in my tongue. He lifted his head up to meet mine and it was so intense I think if I had opened my eyes fully at that point I might have seen stars. I pulled at his jacket, the windows fogging up from the heat between us and it suddenly feeling like a hundred degrees.

He pushed me to sitting and pulled off his jacket, which left his hair even more wild then it usually was. I smiled and he smiled and then we were grabbing at each others clothes, ripping and unzipping and yanking until I was just in my jeans and he was just in his and his cold hands were on my chest and back and it was so erotic in that little space.

Edward pulled his body away from mine and held my hands at the wrist.

"Let me see you. You're so skinny." He said and I shook my wrists from his soft grip, taking his hands in mine and guiding them to my chest where I placed them on my chest. He splayed his long fingers and dropped his eyes, which were black with desire, to look at my body. He licked his lips but then he suddenly looked so resigned, so _in love_ with me and as he looked up at me again, with such heartbreaking surrender, I felt so _cruel_. Like _I_ was _using_ him. Like I had been hurt tonight and so had sought out comfort in something that wasn't true. It wasn't, _this_ wasn't _true_.

I tried to speak, to say I shouldn't be leading him on but I couldn't. He ran his hands up onto my neck and then held my face and brought my mouth back to his, catching my bottom lip between his teeth and biting gently. He gently turned my head to the side, sliding his tongue into my open mouth and edging his way under my body until I lay across him again.

I wound my arms around his neck and kissed him back, deeply and fully. I licked his teeth, his tongue. I pulled at his lips with mine, as our breaths mingled and were hot on my skin.

His chin scratched at mine, the seat belt was digging into my hip but I didn't care, as always I was getting swept away in to Edward.

His fingers pushed down between my jeans and my skin and found my underwear. He rubbed me outside the cotton, then swung the material to one side and slid his fingers into me. I winced, not from pain but from the overwhelming sensation as he splayed his fingers inside me, causing me to shudder all over. He brought his hand out again and I helped him undo my jeans, with that couple of awkward seconds with my tits banging in his face as I leaned across to get the right angle to get my jeans off. I wanted to laugh but the tension between us was still palpable. Then I was naked at last and he lay me back, along his body. My back resting on his chest.

His hands ghosted over my skin, making me tremble. He brushed his fingers over the tops of my thighs, back up across my chest, my belly and my abdomen. Then his fingers were on my clit, and in me again and I was trying to hold back these deep moans that seemed to just come from nowhere. Orgasm twisted my pelvis and I rolled away, Edward catching me before I hit the backs of the seats. I turned to face him dropping my hands to his jeans and ripping at the buttons, yanking them down to find his dick and moving my hips until I was centered above it and could push my body onto his with the most excruciating pleasure.

The feeling of his dick filling me again was unbelievable. Every nerve in my body felt it, blood rushed to my already tender clit and I just couldn't fucking get enough. I bucked against him, I rocked with him. He pulled me down and lifted me again. This was not just sex. I couldn't catch my breath and in that moment, as I clutched at the seats and the headliner, I fucking _knew_ I loved Edward and that I was just fucking kidding myself. I needed this. _This_. I needed this man. I could fight it but it wouldn't change anything. _I just had to be here._

I pulled at his body, as if I wanted every part of him inside me. I pushed my face into his cheek, like a cat. I sucked his tongue, he grabbed my hips pulling me into the bend in his body, with every thrust he lifted his head and shoulders off the seat. His hands slid up my back, onto my neck and he rooted his fingers into my hair.

Then Edward slowed it down again, touching me in the most sexy way I could ever imagine. His fingers gently pulled my hair off my shoulders and he started almost grooming me, fixing my hair off my face. He stroked my skin, rubbed my back and all the while planting the softest kisses on my mouth.

I was being _loved_.

The sex slowed right down and the eye contact increased. I bit into my lip when Edward began kissing my neck, rocking my hips back and forth getting the most unbelievable friction from his dark wiry trail and eventually I was heading into another orgasm.

"I'm gonna cum Edward" I whispered huskily, leaning my lips on to his and speaking against his mouth.

"Not yet..." He instructed, lifting me up and away from him and turning in his seat until there was room for me to lie down, almost full length, along the seat.

Edward hovered over me. His body was so pale and white and I could see shadows cast on the muscular torso. This was a man's body. I ran my fingers across the lines on his chest and abdomen. He kept the weight on one elbow as he ran his hand down my back, along my hip and lifted my thigh, nudging my legs apart. I hitched my knee around his waist.

"Be inside me" I whispered, gently nodding into my chest as I lay there.

The barest hint of a smile crossed his mouth and he pushed into me again. It was as if he was always meant to be there. We were stellar connected. I was really coming to terms with that now.

Then Edward made love to me. Movie style. It was slow, it was full of tenderness, each movement deliberate and full of meaning. _ I love you. I love you. I love you. _

He kissed the corners of my mouth, my eyelids, my forehead. He pressed his mouth to my heart and I heard him whisper, "I need you with me."

When I came it was like an outer body experience and I couldn't focus. It felt like the orgasm had never begun, I was just shocked by a massive insane fucking explosion in my clit that ached through my muscles that left me with tears in my eyes and an ache in my throat. I was completely overcome with emotion and I struggled not to cry. I heard Edward make that little _huh-huh_ noise I fucking adored, and I realised he had orgasmed too. Movie style. We lay there for a minute or two, still rocking with each other in the ebbs of such amazing feelings and holding each other like we would never let go.

It was over. I had given in, given up the fight.


	20. Chapter 20

_**I left a few secret messages in this chapter for a certain bunch of ladies I know!! Hello to all my twitter bitches and NMM gal pals! Thanks for everything!**_

* * *

_Don't push too far  
Your Dreams are china in your hand  
Don't wish too hard  
Because they may come true  
And you can't help them  
You don't know what you might  
Have set upon yourself  
China in your hand_

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

I was not sure when I woke, it was hard to tell between the dreams and the thoughts that were mingling in my mind. All about Edward.

His face, his hands, his mouth. They were mine again. We were together and everything was going to be okay.

After lying together for ages and ages in the Jeep, we'd eventually got dressed again, spurred by the sounds of the party rapping up and kids filing past the window. Edward was worried that his brother would see he had taken his car and needed to get it back to his parents house where he had left his own car. So we made that swap and then Edward brought me home, where we sat kissing for an hour before I finally ripped myself away from him and went inside. I had leaned against the inside of the front door until I heard him eventually pull away. Then I'd crept up the stairs, feeling my phone buzz as I got into my room.

**I really fucking**

**love you Bella.**

My heart could barely take the truth I knew was in that message and I believed it without question which was overwhelming. Edward really fucking loved me. I really fucking loved him too.

I wanted to write back, I typed in so many messages over and over but none looked right when I read them back so eventually I just left it. I'd try to tell him tomorrow.

I'd gotten into bed still in most of my clothes, and I'd cried. It had been such a release to let go. To just admit to myself that I wanted to be there, with Edward. Then I'd fallen asleep and as always I had dreamt of him.

Now I was awake and it was the next day and I would see him again.

I reached out and dragged my curtain across, allowing the sun to flood through into my room. I hid my eyes and rolled onto my side, then pushed myself to sitting and stood up out of bed. I felt light. I stretched, feeling my bones crack and then went into the bathroom and pulled the shower cord sending the pipes clanking and banging against the walls before the water sprayed out.

I stood there letting the water run onto the back of my hand until it felt warm enough and then I shed my clothes into a heap by the door and stood under it.

I thought about Edward. The way he had whispered into my mouth as we had kissed goodnight, "I want to take you out tomorrow" and I had given a little mm mm of approval before asking "Where?"

"I don't know yet" He'd said, catching my bottom lip in his teeth and biting gently, "Somewhere we can be alone."

He was picking me up at one. I leaned out of the shower to see the clock on my desk. It was half ten. I'd slept in for the first time in one year. The relief of not fighting myself anymore had relaxed me enough to let me sleep. I hadn't jolted awake as normal, I hadn't fussed and flailed about. I had slept like a baby. I felt so awake and pulling down the shaving mirror that was attached to the shower wall I also saw I did not have my usual dark shadows under my eyes. I looked refreshed.

I scrubbed the shit out of myself, exfoliating every inch of my body. I shaved under my arms and my legs, making sure every hair was cut super close until my skin was smooth.

My insides were fizzing with excitement, even my skin had the butterflies. It was like i could feel every nerve ending and it was borderline painful. I'd been numb for so long. I had missed this, the stomach churning excitement of going to meet Edward.

I wanted to be so perfect for Edward this afternoon. I wanted to him to find smooth skin. I wanted to feel clean for him. I trimmed my bikini line. I just wanted to be perfect.

It was a weird sensation, not fighting with myself. It was like a mental version of that void that is left when you cure your hiccups. I kept tensing up, waiting for the mental onslaught of the usual racing arguments against my true feelings. They never came. It was like my mind, my brain, my self, had just shrugged its shoulders and thought Okay, lets go with this for a while. One thought did keep running through the others though, _please don't make me be wrong please don't let this be a bad decision. _I couldn't believe that though, not since last night. Not since the feelings, the love in that Jeep.

Back in my room I lathered myself in cocoa butter, having a feeling Edward would like the smell. Then I cleansed my face and moisturized it. I stretched the skin over my eyebrow and hunted for any out of place hairs, plucking them. I turned my head upside down and dried my hair. I wanted it to be soft and bouncy. Feminine. I just wanted to be the best woman I could be today. For Edward.

I looked at the clock. It was half eleven. I cursed myself for not getting up earlier so i could have got into Port Angeles and bought new underwear. Rooting through my drawers I finally settled on black cotton panties and a black vest. No bra. Fuck it I didn't need one and it would be easier to get off. I smiled to myself as I pulled it on. I loved the thoughts of his hands pulling at it, rolling it up to get access to my tits. His mouth on them, his tongue. I shook myself together. Any more thoughts like that and I'd be heading back into the shower.

I looked out the window and saw it was sunny enough, so I decided to wear a dress. Not my usual attire but I had sex with Edward on my mind. A dress would work out well if he had planned for me what I hoped he had. I grabbed thin footless panty hose from my drawer and pulled them on. Then I rooted for my green dress. It was jersey, and empire line so really pretty on my skinny frame. I found it and shook it out. It probably could have done with a quick iron but I just wanted to be ready so I pulled it on.

I dragged black kohl pencil around my eyes, just a thin line and some pale brown shadow. A less severe look than normal. I felt less severe. I felt so light.

I was ready. It was only fucking 12. I sat there for a minute before grabbing my phone and texting Edward. Fuck it. Pride was a bad mistress, I should know that by now.

**I'm ready **

**whenever.**

Less than a minute.

**Thank fuck.**

**I'm on my **

**way.**

I grabbed my big warm jacket and stuffed my phone and my wallet into the deepest pocket. Then I shoved my feet into my high top chucks, checking in the mirror that my feet didn't look huge. I was happy enough with the look and practically jumped down the stairs in my eagerness to get to the curb.

Edward's car came around the corner just as I reached it. My heart started pounding and I felt winded. The anticipation was fucking painful by this stage but the blur that was opening the door and sitting into the car and into his arms again took all of that away. I just felt so right, so me again.

"I didn't sleep a wink" he said into my open mouth as I kissed him as hard as I could without hurting myself.

"I slept like a baby" I answered, squeezing my eyes shut, kissing his lips again and wrapping my arms around his head.

"Jesus, I've got to get you out of here" He said suddenly pushing me back into my seat, letting off the break and driving away.

"Why?" I said, looking over my shoulder not sure what I was expecting to see.

"I need to get you to where we are going ASAP" He said, slamming his foot down to the floor, his little silver car edging forward past the traffic.

"Why? What's going on? Is everything okay?" I was suddenly concerned and completely confused.

He grabbed my hand, "I didn't sleep a fucking wink Bella" He explained, "thinking about being with you today and now you are here and smelling like..._that_. I just need...you...naked." He laughed, "Its like a drug to me"

I blushed but felt that familiar deep twang in my pelvic floor. Jesus this guy sent my body wild with words, my back tightened at the thoughts of what he might do to me when we got to where we were going.

"Distract me" He said, "I can't drive with the thoughts that are running through my head"

I tried to think of something to say but the thoughts in my mind were all a blur too so I just shouted, "Put your seatbelt on"

Edward burst out laughing, "You put your seatbelt on" and I realised that I had forgotten to buckle up.

"I will if you will" I said, through my teeth as I suppressed the giggles.

He looked across at me, smiling and pulled his seatbelt across himself. I followed suit.

He looked so beautiful and I noticed he had shaved. His hair was standing really high today, a sign he had scrubbed any trace of grease from it. I noticed his nails were clean and cut, he was wearing a shirt and a nice jacket. He had put in as much effort as I had. I just fucking loved him. I couldn't say it to myself enough.

"Go to the churchyard Edward" I said, my voice catching in my throat.

He shook his head, "No" He said firmly and I was disappointed and tried to protest but he continued, "I want to go somewhere new. This..._you and me_...needs a new leaf. I want to find a new place. No churchyard, no meadow. Somewhere new."

I filled my lungs trying to steady my heart which was banging off my ribs and making me wonder briefly if it was healthy. I tried to look out the window but I kept looking back at Edward. The muscles in his jaw were tight and he was driving so fucking fast, but he never worried me. I always felt completely safe with him.

"Hey where is that CD again?" I asked, thinking music might calm me down, I pulled open the glove box and took out a pile of CDs, finding the one I wanted.

"Ugh, no not that one" Edward attempted to take the disc from me but I leaned away from him and he gave up. I popped the CD in, humming along as it began and tracing my finger over the artwork on the case, the little childish drawing of a squirrel and a unicorn. I flipped the case over and absent-mindedly read the credits. _Made by Eleazer Ash. Funded by the San Diego Arts Board and the RIMR Foundation._ The music was listed. _Written by..._I squinted to read the tiny writing.

_Edward Cullen._

"What the fuck?" I said in utter disbelief, "Edward? This has your name as the..."

He grimaced, "Yeah, I meant to say that to you before" He said, and I could hear his attempt to sound breezy in his voice "It would have been weird before though, to announce _Hey I wrote that_!"

"You wrote this? You fucking wrote this?" The strains of my favorite melody filtered into the car and I felt weak. I read the back of the CD again. _Bella - written and produced by Edward Cullen. _

"Yeah" was all he said and I read the back of the CD over and over again. It was like the fucking Twilight zone. My mom had given me this song, she'd heard it in an obscure movie and liked it and now it turned out Edward had fucking written it. I shut my eyes tight. I could not figure this out.

"How did you write it though? Its in a movie" I said, turning to face him as much as it was possible locked into my seatbelt, I felt like I was suffocating. It was all so weird.

"I just did it as a favor, for a friend" Edward said, flicking his eyes to me and back to the road. He seemed upset, like he had been caught out. "Bella its nothing"

"Nothing? Are you fucking insane?" I couldn't pin down what I was feeling, I had listened to this song, been comforted by it and it had been written by Edward - the reason I was suffering. It was almost like he had been comforting me, in some fucked up way. I felt like I was losing my mind, "Edward...am I? Is it called Bella because..."

"Of you?" Edward bit the side of his cheek, "Honestly? I don't know. I had written it and they wanted a name, and I couldn't think of anything at that time, my preoccupation was with getting back to you. So..."

"Oh" I was slightly disappointed. The song was so moving, I'd always thought so and to think that it may have been inspired by me...would have been overwhelming.

Edward flinched, raking his fingers through his hair, "I suppose everything was about you back then Bella. I thought I might not survive it at times, losing you...and it all being over such stupid childish reasons, playing was the only thing I could escape into. When i was playing I didn't hurt so much...you know?" He looked at me.

I stared at the CD. It was such a strange discovery and the fact that I should be proud of Edward's success was being overtaken by the feeling that in some way he had invaded my private suffering. The one I had been so careful to hide from him since he came back.

I had cried to that music, cried for him. And it had soothed me. The fact that it had come from him, like an indirect message, had some meaning but I could not figure out what that was.

"Its so great" I said, when the song came to its end and I popped the CD trying not to look to eager but unsure whether I could ever listen to it again. "I'm just amazed that you wrote it. Its great." I put it back in the glove box hoping we could just drop it now.

"Bella" Edward said, "Don't let some weird thing, this weird thing now with the song, get in the way of anything. Its still us, here, in the car."

I was struggling with things again, those little devils sitting on my shoulder again, but I just stuck my chin out. I would beat them. I loved Edward. I fucking loved him.

"Hey" I said prodding him in the arm, "Don't be so sensitive! I love that song, its just weird that it came from you. I wish I had known."

"Why? So you could smash the CD?" He said, smiling on one side of his mouth and looking across at me.

I laughed, "Yup" I said, "if I'd known I would have bounced that CD off the walls!"

There was a pause and I swallowed, realizing how fragile everything with Edward still was.

I needed to shake it off. It was a fucking song. I should be proud of him not suspicious. Not over thinking it. Not looking to mystical superstitions for answers. But it had shaken me. It has shaken both of us and as we overcompensated and tried to get back to the light hearted happy pair that had started this journey that was obvious.

One tiny thing like a misunderstanding over a song could push us back a step. Sure it was only a tiny little insignificant step but it had shaken me. There was a pin waving around my bubble. Threatening to burst it.

I wondered would it always be like this?

Or would there be a day when we were so strong nothing could get through?


	21. Chapter 21

**_As lots of you know I don't have a beta, and I like to write a chapter and then post it pretty much immediately so I want to apologize for any bad punctuation in advance - this chapter was written about five minutes ago! But here it is, no need for me to leave it aside when I know you all want to read it... :-)_**

* * *

_I want to hold you so hear me out_

_I want to show you what loves all about_

_Darling tonight_

_Now I've got you in my sights_

_With these hungry eyes_

_I need you to see_

_This love was meant to be_

* * *

_Edward_

_

* * *

  
_

We drove out past forks. Bella was quiet and her face was turned away. The smallest little things just seemed so enormous in the context of me and her and I could never really figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing. We were so fragile still, I would have to really take everything super slow.

I brought my hand up to stroke the back of her neck as I turned over onto the 101 and she leaned her cheek into my hand. A small gesture but it was a relief. We were good.

"We'd probably best get something to eat?" I said thinking the atmosphere was a bit stale and to drive somewhere expecting a fuck now might come off the wrong way.

"Oh?" She looked disappointed but didn't argue. I just drove straight to Port Angeles, with music turned up so there was no need to force conversation. I would lay on the affection big time over lunch and get us back to where we had been before my fucking brain had interfered with my plans. Why didn't I just fucking say I wrote that fucking song for her? It would have been a much better answer than the truth. I mean it probably was the fucking truth anyway. Every single thing had been about Bella back then. Every single fucking thing.

So I parked in the centre of town, opened Bella's door for her and then took her hand as we walked down to the bustling harbor. The gulls hanging in the air above the marina reminded me of San Diego and I couldn't help but get excited at the thoughts of bringing Bella back there with me. She would fucking love it, all the shit we could do. The warm air and relaxed atmosphere was perfect for us. We could just hang outside, in parks and on the beach. It would be fucking amazing.

"What do you want to eat?" I asked her, passing her hand from my left to my right to keep her on the inside as a bunch of cyclists neared us, passing us a bit too closely.

"Anything" She said, smiling. Her skin looked so pale in the sunlight, milky and clean. I dropped her hand and held her closer, running my hand along her shoulders. I felt her hands meet around my waist and we slowed down to a stroll. I kissed the top of her head, her hair smelling all fucking coconutty and I rethought the whole lunch idea for the tenth time in as many minutes but shook myself together. I took both her hands, dragging them up around my neck and then lifted her around her waist to kiss her full on the mouth.

"Hi" I said putting her back on her feet and enjoying the grin that spread across her face. Her eyes were so dark but they sparkled in the sunlight. She was fucking amazing.

"Hi" She said back, coming in for another kiss and sneaking her little tongue in to touch mine briefly, driving me half wild.

"Fuck" I said, under my breath as lust nearly buckled my knees and I had to close my eyes to fight the hard on. I eyed up the cafe we had stopped outside, it wasn't too busy, I estimated roughly a half hour before I could just get the fuck out of here and get Bella where I wanted her, underneath me. As we sat down, she dropped her bag and bent over , her dress riding up, showing me that smooth curve at the top of her leg and a little bit of black panty. It was a physical fight not to just grab her and start things going then and there. _Breathe you fucking asshole_ I told myself. I needed to take it slow. I fucking loved this woman, this girl. I would sit here and tell her just how much before I would show her. That would happen later.

"Thats a great dress" I said and then laughed at my own joke as she straightened up, pulling it down over her legs and looking at me as if I'd just spanked her or something.

"Edward!" She scolded, but she fucking loved it. A wide smile covering her face slowly as she sat into the chair I pulled out for her. She fixed her dress over her knees and then looked up at me so adorably I actually think something broke inside me. I grabbed her hand and threaded my fingers through hers and bringing it to my lips I kissed her wrist, and the back of her smooth hand. She smelled so fucking good. Fuck.

"What'll you have?" I said almost impatiently, and handed her the menu, "I hate to admit this Bella but I could just as happily get out of here right now."

"Lets then" She said, nodding enthusiastically but I shook my head.

"No. You gotta eat."

She scanned the menu, "Tomato Chicken panini sound quick to you?"

I grinned, "Bet ya fries are faster"

"Fries it is"

I looked around for the waitress, "Fuck it" I said, shoving my chair back, standing up and marching in to the counter where I ordered two fries and two cokes and then I returned to Bella. I leaned in over her for a moment, snaking my arms around her head and kissing her hair. She twisted her face to the side and I found her mouth, pulling on her lips with mine, sucking her little tongue for a moment before breaking away and sitting down.

I stared at her, biting my finger.

"What?" she said, frowning.

"You..." I said, looking away, "If you knew how beautiful you actually were, you wouldn't be sitting here with me...you'd be off inspiring artists or something" I grimaced, "Fuck, did that sound sleazy?" I raised my eyebrows.

She nodded, laughing and made sick noises but I could see she was pleased, a little blush crept up her chest where the dress cut away and I swear to God I had to hold on to the arms of my seat to stop myself just grabbing her and fucking her there.

"So..." I said, in my best sleazy voice, "Do you come here often?" I quirked my eyebrow.

She giggled and her little feet came off the ground with the reaction, "No...I've never been here before" She giggled again. Then in front of my eyes her face fell and I couldn't see what had changed and then she seemed so sad, "Hey, Hey...What's up?" I said leaning forward in my seat, frowning at the sudden change.

She shook her head, "Oh I just... I missed you Edward. When you were gone."

I nodded, swallowing hard. Okay this was it. My big speech.

"Bella. I can't explain in words to you... I'm so sorry I didn't stay. I should have fought..."

She raised her palm and shook it, "No, I don't mean it that way. I don't need to rehash everything. What's gone by is gone. I just mean that I missed _you._ The way _you_ are. _This_." She gestured at the table and at me, "Sitting here laughing with you. Its just...great."

I took her hand and kissed it. I pressed my mouth there and looked up at her.

"This is what I want Bella" I said, moving my lips against her skin "You and me. Getting lunch, doing whatever." I sat back, holding her little hand in between my hands, "I want _you_. Always."

She nodded and a little smile crossed her lips. She went to say something but the fucking waiter took that moment to bang our fries down on the table and so Bella just kept smiling and gave me a little nod. "Me too" She whispered.

I felt like falling to my knees. My chest practically burst from the amount of air I fucking took in when she said that. It was unbearable not to be able to just have her alone right then. My body didn't seem to understand need for etiquette in public situations and I actually had to close my eyes and think of random cars and fences to quell the storm in my pants. I had to hurry this lunch charade up. I drank my coke down and then I shoved so many fucking fries into my mouth that I nearly fucking choked.

Then my plate was empty and I looked at hers and it was half full but she was pushing it away from her so I took that as the mark and grabbed her hand, throwing a ten dollar bill on the table and fucking storming off down the road.

I only had her halfway back to the car when I couldn't take it anymore and I grabbed her around the waist, smashing my lips onto hers, backing us into a wall and kissing Bella like I was exploding or something. It felt like every muscle in my body was going to spasm if I didn't drink her in. I pulled her body as firmly against mine as I could, and when she started kissing me back just as hard I completely lost it inside, burying my face in the curve of her neck to try to gain control. That hot coconut Bella smell that I had craved for so long surrounded me. I had it. I had her. I pulled back to look into her eyes, her eyelashes were fluttering real fast and I could see her chest heaving as was mine. I tried to tell her with my lips how I felt, kissing her carefully and deeply. _ I love you I need you I want you._

The kiss slowed down, and she let out a soft little fucking meow. I scrunched my face up, burying it back into her neck, trying to get control of myself. Then I scooped her up and fucking marched through the crowds with her in my arms. She pressed her face to my neck, with the tiniest butterfly kisses on my collarbone, and by the time I reached the car and put her into the passenger seat, I thought I might pass out with the feelings that were flooding through me.

I had to stand taking big breaths before getting into the driver seat and getting her the fuck out of there to somewhere we could be alone.


	22. Chapter 22

**_FF was down yesterday and so I'm sorry for the delay!!! I know most of you had your legs crossed waiting for this!! _**

* * *

_She leads me through moonlight _

_Only to burn me with the sun _

_She's taken my heart _

_But she doesn't know what she's done _

_Feel her breath on my face _

_Her body close to me _

_Can't look in her eyes _

_She's out of my league _

_Just a fool to believe _

_I have anything she needs _

* * *

_Edward_

_

* * *

  
_

It seemed as if every car on the road was driving 5 kilometers an hour. I wove through as many as I could, cursing at traffic lights and putting my foot to the floor every time there was a green light. I felt as though Bella might disappear if I didn't get her to where I wanted us to be soon.

Eventually we pulled into the car park at one of the least used entrances to the Olympic Forest Park.

Bella looked at me, curiosity flashing across her face and I smiled, "Trust me" I said.

I grabbed my backpack from the car, and taking Bella by the hand headed into the forest.

I had my Garmin navigator which I had bought that morning and within twenty minutes of leisurely stroll we reached our destination. It was even better than I had thought. This would impress her...it had to. I wanted her to be swept away with me. Like I was swept away in her.

I watched Bella's face as soon as I registered the turn off, knowing any minute we would see what we were looking for. As a haze of color bled over the horizon, Bella slowed in her walk, turning to me and with amazement in her eyes she said, "Edward, how did you ...?"

I led her into the field of flowers feeling like the king of the world. I had wanted to beat our meadow, and from the look on Bella's face I had managed it.

I'd been flicking through my Facebook after dropping Bella off the night before, sleep seemed like such a waste of time since I was so fucking high anyway and I'd come across a photo of Emmett with his kill from the hunting trip he'd been on with Laurent. The fuckers had killed a big male grizzly under the premise that they were taking part in a licensed government cull, but that was just a cover for my blood thirsty brother. I've never seen anyone so excited by the prospect of a dead bear in all my life. He was a fucking asshole. I flinched at the picture of him with his knee across the huge head of the dead bear, his gun above his head in a victorious gesture. We were complete opposites, I could think of nothing more ludicrous than getting pleasure from killing such a lovely animal. I was inclined to feel if it needs to be done it should be done by the government and not outrageous goons like my brother and his friends.

However it was the picture that followed that had caught my interest, one of the hunters having lunch. They were sitting in a small wooded area, but to the right of the picture I could see a field, rows and rows of bright purple flowers as far as the eye could see.

I'd rang my brother right there and demanded the location. After he'd hung up on me twice he quickly realised I would persist so he listened to my question and answered it with a snarl, "Thats Meyer's flower farm" He'd said, "its been abandoned for years since they went out of business but the flowers didn't get the memo apparently."

Bella giggled when I'd told her that part. "I love it Edward" She said.

We were busy setting up a little camp as far into the field as we could manage. I pulled a wool blanket from my backpack, and my little throw up shelter, all bought that morning. Two bottles of water, a couple of granola bars and a couple of warm tops for when the sun went down. My ipod and the battery powered speakers on which I had prepared two hours worth of music on a playlist.

When the area was set up nicely Bella sat down, her head turning from left to right still in wonderment at where I had brought her.

"Fuck Edward, its just so magical..." She said, pulling me down to sit by tugging on my hand. "I can't believe I never heard about this."

"I never did either" I agreed, "You'd think it'd be a well known spot, but I suppose people just presumed the flowers died with the factory"

She nodded, reaching out and picking one of the flowers and handed it to me.

"Check if I love you" She said.

I wrinkled my nose, a little confused, putting the flower down and pulling her by her waist to come closer. She resisted, "No, with the flower..." She said, picking it up again and handing it to me.

I frowned, still confused but then realised what she wanted me to do. I sat up straight, taking the first petal in my fingers and twisting it off the stalk.

"She loves me"

Bella giggled.

"She loves me not..." I pouted, then tore off another petal, "She loves me" and another, "She loves me not..."

Bella lay back onto the blanket, where we had placed the shade across the path we had cut through the flowers and her hands came up to her cardigan where she undid the first button. I smiled, pulling off another petal and keeping my eyes on her eyes, "She loves me"

She undid another button, I tore off another petal.

"She loves me not"

Her cardigan came off.

The last petal, "She fucking loves me." I said, my breath ragged with the overwhelming mix of lust and love that pulsed through me.

Bella nodded, "I really do."

I sat there for a minute, wishing I could just stop time. The woman I loved over every other fucking thing in my life was lying here in front of me, telling me she loved me back. It was more than my heart could take.

I moved onto my knees and put my hand on her heart.

She pulled at my shoulders, "Come here" She said.

I leaned over her and pressed my lips to hers. For the longest time. Then as I lay myself down beside her, hitching myself up on my elbow and snaking my hand around her waist gripping her hip and turning her toward me, I opened my mouth slowly sliding my tongue to meet hers. It was a complete head rush.

Bella hitched her leg over my hip as we lay there and then with one little tug she rolled me onto her.

I kicked my boots off, and felt her twisting her ankles to push her chucks off and shove them away with her bare feet. I popped the buttons on my jeans and pushed the waist band down as far as I could, then I leaned up off Bella and pulled the hem of her dress up her body. Shit. She was wearing the sexiest underwear I had ever seen, this flimsy black top and panties and my heart started fucking pounding. I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself but when I opened my eyes again she was looking at me with such a fucking sexy expression that my head span. She lifted herself onto her elbows and then raised her ass off the ground so I could pull her dress up. I held her as I hitched it over her chest, and then she grabbed the jersey hem and pulled it off. She pulled herself up to her knees, pressing herself into me like some little fucking cat and pressing the palms of her hands to my cheeks and then moving them down my face to my shoulders.

Her hair swung into her face then and when I kissed her it was in my mouth, and I felt completely saturated in Bella. The silky strands flitted across my eyes as she pushed me down onto my back, and she lay along me, kissing my face and mouth with little wet tastes that drove me wild. The breeze caught the area that she had kissed as she moved her mouth across my skin and I imagined how it would feel if she went lower. I didn't dare to dream though and shook that thought out of my fucking brain as soon as it made its way to the visual department. Fuck.

The sounds of the flowers as the breeze bristled through them mingled with the music from my ipod and I started to get lost. I'd been with so many, too many, girls but what happened to me with Bella was something I had never experienced. Its like I would go into this weird echoing place where it was just mouths and hands and bodies. I couldn't really explain it because it was so distorted but it consumed me and I lost all sense of time and awareness outside of her. I lost all sense of myself and became something that Bella was part of.

Her hands ran up my spine and she clutched at my skin, grinding her pelvis into my hip bone. I rolled her back onto her side, and pulled her top over her head, cradling her neck and trying to be gentle in my urgency. Then I brushed my lips against a nipple and she shivered. I traced my tongue over the peak and then sucked it into my mouth. Bella arched her back, "Jesus just fuck me please Edward"

I pushed off the ground and stood up. She squirmed against the ground, holding out her hand for me to take and so I shoved my jeans off and then joined her again. I kicked my boxers off as I lay back down, my fingers pulling at the band of her panties until they were discarded and Bella was naked.

She grabbed the back of my neck and lifted her head to get her lips on mine hastily and I realised that she was being modest so I pulled back. She tried to pull me back in but I felt like playing so I pulled away completely and half sat up, allowing my eyes to roam her body. She crossed her legs, bringing one knee fully up to cover herself and crossing her hands across her chest like a painting of Venus.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I said, laughing into my words.

"Come back!" She said, pouting and blushing.

I shook my head, "I want to look at you." Then I pushed myself to my feet and stood over her as she tried to cover up. I stared at her chest, widening my eyes and letting my jaw drop into a wide O.

"Fuck off Edward" Bella grimaced, and giggled, "You're embarrassing me"

I lay down beside her again, "You're beautiful" I said, tracing her stomach with my finger, along the valley between her breasts to her neck, up along her chin, her lips and then I gently flicked the tip of her nose. She made a face of mock disgust and rolled onto her stomach, "Right then" She said, "You aren't getting any."

I gently swatted at her hip, "I am so." I said leaning in and running my tongue along her spine, down toward the cleft of her ass.

She turned suddenly with a squeal, and I grabbed her into me, as close as I could. I rubbed my nose gently on hers and kissed her.

We looked into each others eyes for a moment and then I felt her hand drift across my dick, almost accidently. I froze and she smiled and then I felt her do it again. I raised my eyebrows.

"Lets fuck" I said with comic glee and Bella burst out laughing.

She smiled widely, "Anytime mister" She said, and then we were kissing as seriously as we had begun. She fucking arched into me then and I moved across nudging myself into position.

"I fucking love you too" I whispered into her ear as I pushed into her body, feeling her muscles clench around my dick, welcoming me in.

It was so hot and tight inside her I almost started to panic. For one heart stopping moment I thought I was going to fucking come and I had to stop completely still and try to catch my breath.

"You okay? Edward?" Bella asked but I couldn't speak needing every inch of myself to concentrate on not shooting early. Fuck. I squeezed my eyes shut, debating whether to pull out or stay put, thinking that even the friction of moving might send me over the edge.

Just as I thought all was lost my fucking iPod started playing some ridiculous Christmas jingle and the moment was dead in the water. I sighed in relief as Bella snorted a laugh into my shoulder and I took that break to pull out of her and hold my own as I did.

I took sharp slow breaths wishing to fuck I had jerked off this morning.

A tear ran out of the corner of Bella's eye as she rubbed her forehead with the palm of her hand, a huge smile on her face and pitched giggles jerking from her throat.

"Bit early isn't it?" She said playfully.

I dropped my head to her shoulder and kissed her collarbone, "Let me sort that out" I said rolling away and grabbing the iPod. I switched to playlist 2 scrolling as fast as I could through the songs to check for errors, and seeing none I pressed play.

Then I turned back to Bella and found her lying on her side, her head supported by her hand and a look on her face that I had never seen. What was that? Pride, Lust?

As I rolled over she levered herself by her elbow and then she was on all fours, and fucking crawling like a cat across the blanket to where I was now lying on my back.

It was the sexiest moment of my pathetic life so far and I struggled to look at her, trying to calm myself down while getting so fucking high on the sight of her it was near to impossible. She reached me and pushed me down with her hand, swinging her leg over my body and edging her way onto my dick until I was deep in her again.

"Fuck" I said through my teeth and she pressed her finger into my forehead.

"Fuck what?"She asked, in a haughty tone, then she brought her lips to my ear and whispered, "It's Fuck Miss Sex goddess to you"

My chest expanded with a rush of air and I grabbed her by the waist and rolled her over onto her back again with a snarl.

"You sexy fucking minx" I growled into her mouth as I thrust into her, grabbing her ass and pulling her to me as I sat up onto my knees, "I'd fucking forgotten this side to you." I smacked her ass, squeezing it as I thrust into her. This was the Bella who used to fuck me senseless in my car when kids were milling around. God I loved this Bella. Sure she was always modest to a certain point and then it was like lust just took fucking over and she got playful.

She threw her hands over her head and arched her back, pushing off the ground to lift herself higher. I knelt up, pulling her back and forth faster and faster. This was good, get the fucking over with so we could take the next round slow.

Bella made little gasps as I splayed my hands over her hips as I pulled her against me, I pressed my thumbs in behind the bones for greater purchase and suddenly she swung herself around and grabbed me around the neck, toppling me backwards.

It was like a fight for who was on top, I rolled her over she pushed back. Her legs were around my waist then to one side, I grabbed her ass, we'd roll across and then we'd be sitting up again. It was fucking unbelievable. Eventually I was on my back, my arms out to the sides under strict orders not to fucking move and Bella was pushing down in little rhythmical bounces against the shaft of my dick that drove me fucking wild. For the first time in my existence I got fucking vocal. I couldn't stop it, a deep snarling moan escaped me as I came into her.

"No, Edward!" She shouted, "not fucking yet!" and then Bella collapsed onto me whispering _no no no no_ into my skin.

I pushed her back and caught her eye, "Sorry" I said, smiling sheepishly and trying to look as apologetic as I could.

She shook her head, "I can't believe you fucking came. I was so close" She sighed and rolled off me onto the blanket, covering her eyes with her arms.

"I'm sorry" I said, trying to pull her arms away to see her face. They wouldn't budge but I heard a snuff of a giggle against them. I dipped my head and licked her nipple. She didn't flinch. Then I ran my tongue along the ladder of her ribs, thinking again that she was too skinny, and sucked the skin of her waist deeply into my mouth, I bit gently and let it go.

Still she didn't flinch.

I pushed myself onto my knees and moved across to her legs and then I ran my fingers up the inside of her thighs. I saw the corner of her mouth twitch and her chin pull up but apart from that there was no sign from her that she was feeling anything.

In for a penny, in for a pound...

I lay along side her, my shoulders at her knees. Then I reached across and balancing myself carefully I licked her skin from her knees to her hip in one swoop. I heard Bella swallow, and her chest hitched so I brushed my fingers across her abdomen, following where they ran with my tongue.

I took a breath, hoping this was what she wanted and pushed her legs away from each other, immediately dipping my head and finding her clit with my tongue. Her whole body clenched and a breath hissed from between her teeth.

I pressed against her with my tongue, pushing her legs away wider with my hands and I swear to god the smell of her skin was fucking amazing. Salt and honey. I pressed my nose to the curve of her inner thigh and inhaled, getting hard again as she bucked against me.

It took about three seconds of firm pressure before I felt Bella spasm against my tongue. Her arms came away from her eyes and she clutched at the blanket, twisting her shoulders and rolling away from me. I grabbed her leg as it tried to cross over and pushed it back, and she yelped. I moved up, keeping her legs apart with my knees and pushed my dick back into her, falling forward as I did and finding her mouth with mine.

Everything we had had was back, but even better and stronger than before. Our connection to each other was so fucking deep between us that there would not have been words even if we had had anything to say.

This had to be it, I promised myself as Bella lay in my arms shivering in the late afternoon sun, that this had to be it. I drew the blanket up over her protectively, wishing the day would never end and hating the realization that there was bigger things than just us. Things that could come between us, life and family. I had to fight to make sure that never happened again. This time I would have to win. I would have to.

I knew there was no way I would survive losing her again.

***

_**I realised while having tea with a pal the other morning that I have been using some idioms in my story and that I must have been confusing you all! For example, over here a Vest is underwear. Like what you guys call an undershirt. So I apologise to those of you who were cross eyed trying to imagine Bella wearing a "Vest" which is what we call a 'Waistcoat" under her dress... She is not insane. **_

_**I am also guilty of saying Petrol for Gas and Boot for Trunk. I hope you didn't think Edward was rooting around in his shoe and pulling out a jacket. Though we are all hopeful that his shoe size is large, I think That large may cause problems for poor Bella and nobody wants that...**_

_**Anyway sorry about all that! It is harder than you would think to remember all the American ways of saying and spelling things!! **_

_**Thanks guys!! xx**_

_**Song - She's like the Wind from Dirty Dancing. **_


	23. Chapter 23

_Let's sway while colour lights up your face  
Let's sway sway through the crowd to an empty space_

_If you say run, I'll run with you  
If you say hide, we'll hide  
Because my love for you  
Would break my heart in two  
If you should fall  
Into my arms  
And tremble like a flower_

_Let's dance for fear your grace should fall  
Let's dance for fear tonight is all_

* * *

_Edward_

* * *

I couldn't bear to let her go. I swung her up into my arms on her doorstep, breathing her in, getting as much as I could from that last moment.

She pushed me away, "My dad wants me to go to the diner with him tonight" She said, biting her bottom lip, "Edward I wish I could just stay wrapped up in this bubble with you, but..."

I grabbed her again, loving how she resisted, pushing at my chest but not able to follow through, kissing me again and again. I couldn't stop smiling and fought against the muscles tugging at the corners of my mouth. I breathed in through my nose loudly as I kissed Bella, grabbing at her waist and lifting her off her feet.

She struggled against my grip, pushing my hands up to my chest and stepping backwards.

"I have to go" She said, turning and unlocking her front door. I leaned back against the porch fence and just watched her go in. The door almost closed and I saw her peeping out at me through the gap. I smiled and she swung the door open again, crossing the gap between us in one stride and smashing her mouth to mine with almost a sob.

"Damn it..." She sighed.

"Don't fucking go" I pleaded, stroking her cheek with my index finger.

"I have to..." She said, turning her cheek and kissing my palm. Then she smacked my cheek lightly and went inside, this time closing the door. I stood there for a minute and then resigned myself to the fact that she wasn't coming back out so I made my way to my car again.

I drove back to the motel, in what seemed like a heartbeat. Images from the day spinning around my brain like a fucking kaleidoscope.

Everything was perfect.

* * *

_Bella_

* * *

I took the stairs two at a time, reaching my bedroom before my dad even noted I was home.

"Bella?" He shouted up the stairs, "You're late!"

"Sorry Dad!" I yelled back, "Just gimme twenty minutes"

"I'm starving here!" He shouted but I heard him sit down on the couch with a thump and flick on the TV.

I couldn't help myself, I ran to the window and saw Edward walking down my drive. He looked up, feeling eyes on him and gave me a huge smile.

I stood there watching until he drove away and then I just fell back onto my bed, overwhelmed.

I had to believe him. He did love me. He wasn't going to hurt me again. Life could not be so cruel to me twice. He was so fucking amazing, everything single thing about him. He made every nerve in my body tingle when he even just touched my hand and drove me wild with one glance.

If it was half this good, a quarter this good for the rest of my life I would be a lucky girl.

I quickly texted Angela.

**Yo **

**win. I can't resist **

**him anymore. X**

She replied immediately.

**Good for you.**

**xx**

She was a good friend.

I quickly brushed my hair, and changed my clothes and went downstairs to Charlie.

We drove in silence to the diner, and ordered our usual. It was a good relaxing hour. I enjoyed Charlies company, unlike Renee he didn't chat incessantly, an evening with Charlie required no concentration.

* * *

_Edward_

* * *

When I got back to my room I didn't even think to knock and just swiped my room key and walked right in.

And immediately turned and walked straight back out.

Jasper found me in the bar, about three minutes later, looking like he had his clothes on upside down.

He stood in front of me, his eyes wide, a nervous smile playing across his lips as he jigged from one foot to the other.

"Thats my fucking sister" I stated, pressing my thumbs into my closed eyes trying to erase the images I had seen when I went into that room.

"I'm sooo sorry man" Jasper fell onto his knees and gripped the hems of my jeans in his hands. "Please please forgive me. I'm drunk"

I shook my head, "You aren't drunk. Its 5 p.m. It wouldn't matter anyway. Thats my fucking sister man" I was half serious in my stern tone. I'd asked Jasper not to. Though I had to admit I had known it was bound to happen.

"I'm sorry dude" Jasper said, taking my hand and kissing it, "I just... I think I love her man"

"I was wrong, you must be drunk" I said pulling my hand out of his grasp, but he grabbed it back shoving it with his own into his jacket pocket.

"Don't be mean to me" he said, "Don't be mean to your brother in law"

I tried not to laugh but Jasper spied the little twitch in my top lip and pounced, pulling me off the chair and into a massive hug.

"Lets all go out" He said, as he dragged me back to the room, "The four of us. It'll be fun"

"Can't" I said, "Bella is having dinner with her dad"

"Where?" Jasper said, curiously taking a small folded map of Forks out of his pocket and studying it as if the answer was somewhere in the middle.

"In the diner" I grabbed the map from him, "What on earth...? Alice and I grew up here man we don't need a fucking map!" I threw it at him.

"The diner, ey?" Jasper said wagging his finger at me, "I feel a plan coming on"

We got to the room and I almost didn't want to see Alice, the shock of walking in on her and Jasper mid coitus still making me shudder. When I walked into the room however she was dressed in too many clothes, as if to make up for earlier. She looked like she was going up Mount Everest. I felt kinda sorry for her, she must be way more embarrassed than I.

"What are you wearing?" I asked, grabbing at her jacket and pulling her to my side, "Sorry for barging in earlier" I said fluffing her hair with my fingers.

She blushed and pressed her lips together in a line.

"You in love with Jazz?" I whispered into her hair.

I felt her tense up but then her little head nodded firmly.

"Well, then" I said patting her arm and giving her a quick hug, "Its all good"

She hugged my arm. "Thanks Ed" She said and beamed up at me, "Thanks for bringing him to me"

I rolled my eyes, "No problem sis, you deserve each other."

Jasper started rooting through his drawers, "I have some passes for that discotheque in town" He said and me and Alice exchanged looks.

"What discotheque?" She said giggling, "Are you talking about Mill Creek bar?"

"Yeah, yeah thats the place" Jasper said, "I have passes here somewhere"

"You don't need passes silly" Alice said, looking at me with wide eyes and a smile, "Its not a nite-club, its a country bar"

"Is there music?" Jasper asked, turning and looking at us with utter seriousness.

We both nodded and he clapped his hands together, "Well then its perfect. Lets all go"

"I told you" I persisted, "Bella is out with her father"

"Lets go get her then!" Jasper said, grabbing my car keys from the desk and chucking them to me.

I felt completely insecure as we walked into the diner. It was ridiculous but I did. I worried for a minute that Bella would be less than pleased that I had followed her. I worried in vain. When she saw me her eyes positively sparkled and she waved and called me over. Chief swan nodded at me, "Edward." He said.

I shook his hand, "Chief Swan" I said, "Enjoying the cobbler I see" It sounded kinda rude the way I said it, so Bella giggled and I stood there gulping like a fish as Bella's father glared at me. I thought about trying to apologize but fuck it, I didn't want to come across as even more of an idiot.

"So anyway" I said, forcing a smile and feeling Alice slide her hand through to link my arm. I felt braver. "Uh...I was hoping Bella could stay in town, to hang out?" I glanced across at Bella who had the cutest expression on her face, her hair bouncing as she nodded happily and I lost my train of thought as memories of her legs around my waist, my head, crept into my mind. As if she could read my mind her mouth made a little 'O' shape and blush flooded her face.

Chief swan looked from me to Bella and back, "Sure." He nodded, "Bella can make her own mind up, she is not a minor anymore after all" He looked at Bella again, and she smiled.

"Is that okay Dad?" She said, pushing her chair back from the table and standing up.

Chief swan nodded, "Sure honey" He stood up himself, grabbing the bill and heading to the counter. Bella followed him, whispering something which made him look over his shoulder at me with a face like thunder before he walked out of the diner leaving the doors swinging behind him.

"What the hell did you say to him last?" I asked Bella, finding it hard not to push her up against the wall and get into it straight away. Being around her made me an animal. I had to struggle against myself not to just take her there and then.

"I said I didn't think I would be home tonight" She said, looking up at me under her lashes and licking her top lip. I dipped my head and caught that fucking lip between my teeth for a second before kissing her mouth and straightening up again, looking quickly out the window in case Chief Swan had seen me. I really didn't want to get further on to his bad side.

Bella snaked her arms around my waist, "Are we going back to your motel now?" She said, pushing her cheek against my chest and tightening her arms. She sighed, relaxing into me and I wrapped my arms around her protectively. This was my girl.

"Nope" I said, "We're double dating with Jazz and Alice" I moved forward and Bella shuffled backwards until we reached the door and then I took her hand and we headed out to where Alice and Jasper were leaning waiting against the wall. The night air was chilly as we walked back to my car and Bella snuggled in. I tucked her in under my jacket, rubbing her arm to get heat into her. Alice and Jasper jumped into the back seat and I stopped myself from objecting. What was the point?

I was mildly jealous of them that they could just snuggle in with each other, where as I had to drive and there for not have any free hands to hold Bella as close as I would like. If that was my only complaint then i was a lucky man.

We got to the bar pretty quickly and parked out front. It was jam packed and I absolutely fucking loved walking into that place with Bella. She was so fucking hot, and she was mine. We squeezed in through the crowd and found a spot at the bar. I tucked Bella in between my arms as I leaned on the bar and leaned my chin on her hair.

"What'll you have?" I asked her, pulling her hair back to tuck it behind her ear.

"Hmmm, a diet coke." She turned slightly and pushed her face against my mouth and I kissed her temple.

I shouted the order at the bar man over the buzz of the crowd. When he brought the drinks, Bella and I turned to face the room which was a heave of dancing bodies with a live band in the corner of the room.

"It amazes me that Forks has this many kids to fill this bar" I said, raising my voice so Bella could hear me. She was swaying to the music, each flick of her hips brushing her ass off my crotch. I could feel myself start to lose the self control I had been hanging onto since getting her back into my vicinity.

I wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, allowing my thumbs to sit just at the curve of her breasts. I moved them in tiny circles across the wire of her bra.

"When did the bra come on?" I said into her ear, bringing my lips as close to her skin as I could without fucking losing it completely.

"I was going out with my dad" She said, twisting around to lean up and talk into my ear. "Fuck Edward, It wouldn't have been...appropriate, not since everytime I think of you I get...goosebumps in certain places" she giggled, sending electric shocks across my ear and down my spine.

I found her mouth quickly, plunging my tongue in between her lips with bare restraint. She sucked my lips and then opened her mouth too, shifting her arms up to my neck and pulling my head down.

I pulled away, "I don't think I can fucking stand being this close to you without fucking you Bella"

She giggled, her eyes sparkling, "I know" She said, the smile falling and her mouth finding mine again. She arched her back, pressing her tits into my chest and I ached to just push her back over a table and screw her within an inch of her life.

I pushed her back, "Shit Bella, can we fucking just go? Now?" I asked, crouching a bit to come face to face.

She shook her head. "Edward" She said into my ear, allowing her mouth to drift across the lobe, her hot breath sending me out of my mind. "We have to learn..." I twisted my face to find her mouth but she avoided me, "...how to..." I tried again, planting my lips on her cheek as she moved away, "...be in public." Then she shoved me back and turned, looking over her shoulder, and walked straight onto the dance floor.

Jasper and Alice were already there. Alice was doing a little cute bunny hop back and forth and Jasper was doing a travolta style shuffle that had people around him pointing and nodding in awe. He never seemed to be showing off, and I think thats why people loved it. It just came so naturally to Jasper. Dancing was an extension of himself.

Bella kept her eyes on me as she backed into the crowd, then she raised her hand and beckoned me with her index finger. I flinched. Dancing was something I was okay with but dancing with Bella without grinding on her like a horny dog was another thing.

She clapped her hands as I moved toward her in the crowd and then suddenly she was gone. I stood, flicking my head back and forth to find her and then, there she was again. Her shoulders swaying, and her hips moving to the music, she looked like a dream. She twisted her head slowly, dipping it to one shoulder then the other and each time she did her hair would fall in her face. She looked out at me through it and bit her lip, stopping a small smile from growing. I just stood there taking her in, she was so fucking beautiful. I needed her but more than that I fucking wanted her. I wanted her more.

I moved closer but then she was gone again and I span around, the other dancers oblivious to this little game of hide and seek.

Then she was there, in front of me, pushing her body into mine, wrapping one arm around my neck and forcing me to move with her and against her to the music. Her free hand roamed across my chest, along my breastbone and onto my face. Her fingers dipped into my mouth and I kissed the tips. Then I kissed Bella, picking her off her feet and spinning her slowly around in the crowd of dancing people.

As I replaced her on her toes I was suddenly roughly pulled around by my shoulder and I turned to face Jacob fucking Black. His face was furious and his eyes were almost completely black as his lips pulled across his teeth in a snarl.

"Who the fuck do you think you have your hands on?" He roared into my face.

I put my hand on his chest and gently shoved him back. "Don't fucking start okay" I said, thinking that the chances of this gorilla taking that advice were unlikely. I came to the conclusion that now was the time, I would have to fight Jacob Black _now_ and it was not going to be pretty.


	24. Chapter 24

_Hey you boy, think that you know what you're doing_

_You think you're gonna set things to rights_

_You're just another, picture on a teenage wall_

_You're just another sucker ready for all_

_You gotta, Fight from the inside_

_Attack from the rear_

_Fight from the inside_

_You can't win with your hands tied_

_Fight from the inside_

_Fight from the inside_

* * *

_Edward_

* * *

Jacob pushed me backwards with such force that I almost fell. Fuck. I knew this had to happen, for everything to just move on but I wished he could have picked a better moment. Not now when I was having such a great night.

He got right up in my face, "What the fuck are you even doing back here?" He growled, suddenly it seemed the whole place had come to a standstill, even the music came to an abrupt stop as the crowd all pulled out into a circle around us.

"Get out of my face Black" I stated, staring him in the eye. He didn't budge.

I felt Bella trying to push us apart and I looked at her, she was terrified, her bottom lip wobbling and her little hands pushing with no effect on our chests.

"I don't get you Cullen" Black said, "You fucking left town, there is nothing to come back here for."

"What I came back for is nothing to do with you" I spat.

"Oh I think it fucking is to do with me" He replied, "It was me that cleaned up your fucking mess the last time"

"Well I don't think you fucking minded much, you fucking parasite, did you?" I asked sneeringly, pressing my hands on his chest and shoving him backwards.

Some girl with long black hair stepped in between us and glared at me, I recognised the face. Shit. I'd fucked her. This girl, this Quillayate girl. She had been at some random fucking party about three years ago and I had been fresh on the game having lost my virginity to a sister of a boarder with me at Sebs. I'd thought I was the big romeo back then, couldn't get enough. This girl had been one of the numerous one night flings I'd had that summer. If I remembered correctly, and fuck I thought I did, she had blurted out afterwards that she'd been a fucking virgin. I'd ignored her calls after that. Too much drama for old Edward.

"Why don't you just piss off back to where you came from, Edward?" She shouted, barring Jacobs advances with her arm.

"I come from _here _you fucking idiot" I shouted back.

Jacob pushed through her arm, "Did you just call my girl an idiot?" He slammed his chest into mine sending me skirting backwards, I grabbed Jaspers arm for support. He gave me a little nod of support and stood at my flank.

The quillayette gang moved across to similar positions behind Jacob, they were like a pack of wolves. Fucking idiots.

"Your _girl_?" I scoffed, "Well if you have a girl already then why the huge interest in mine?"

Jacob looked from me to Bella who was now trying to stand in between us but being quietly and calmly moved to the side by Alice. I could hear Alice saying softly, "They need to work it out."

The bar tender shouted across the room, "Take it outside boys" and suddenly the crowd was edging us toward the door and out into the cold night air.

Jacob was nowhere to be seen and I looked around suddenly spying him cornering Bella just inside the door and clearly shouting at her. She was shouting back but I could see he was frightening her the way she flinched as he bellowed in her face. Fuck that. No fucking mongrel was going to fucking shout at my girlfriend like that.

I reached around the door and grabbed Jacob by the collar, catching him unawares and pulling him off his feet until he landed at my feet on the pavement with a thump. The crowd whooped and some started chanting "Fight Fight" like we were in a fucking school playground.

He struggled to his feet.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He roared, his brow furrowed and his chest heaving. He slammed into me.

"My fucking problem is you, you fucking asshole" I shouted back, getting up into his face, "Every time I fucking turn around you seem to be there, looking for trouble."

"Looking for trouble?"He sneered, "You're the one coming back here...you're the one making trouble, upsetting Bella..."

"Did Bella look fucking upset?" I said, shoving him back with all my might, which pulled an audible gasp and a few whoops from the watching crowd, "Cos she didn't look that fucking upset to me until you fucking got here. Can't you just obsess over your own girlfriend instead of mine"

Jacob ran toward me, shoving me and so I shoved him back. "She isn't your girlfriend you fucking dick" He bellowed.

He grabbed me in a head lock, dragging me across the pavement and so I threw my weight against him sending him flying onto his back on the street and taking me with him.

I punched, connecting with his ear and he let go of me long enough for me to roll away, clamber to my feet and get my balance long enough to get my wits about me again.

"You fucking asshole" He shouted, standing up and facing me again.

I looked across at Bella and she had eyes full of angry tears. She shook her head at me, almost in disbelief and then she said "Stop it" as if I could somehow just snap my fingers and everything would dissolve away. There was no fucking way I was walking away from this, Jacob Black needed to learn a fucking lesson.

I looked away from her and back to Black who was taking his jacket off, he threw it to one of his pack and so I followed suit, removing my jacket and my wallet from my jeans pocket and handing them to Jasper.

The crowd got so fucking excited when they saw that. It was set in stone. There would be entertainment for them here tonight.

I looked Jacob up and down, sure he was a big bastard but I was skilled. I had taken two years of boxing in Sebs, not that I was very good at it but I could land a punch and it only took one. I would knock this fucker out if it was the last thing I did.

He launched a punch and I turned, feeling his knuckles skirt the tip of my nose and thanking God he didn't make contact. That would have been a broken nose, no doubt, and it would have been all over. I knew the presence of blood would kick the onlookers into breaking it up and I needed it to last until I had that prick on the ground once and for all.

Jacob's girlfriend or whatever, Leah, stood in front of him for a second but one of the Quillayete guys pulled her roughly back. This was no place for dramatic bullshit. This fight had been a long time coming.

"Bella wants me here" I shouted at Jacob, "Have you even fucking asked her?"

He flicked his eyes across at Bella, and back to me, "This is between you and me now Cullen..."

"What is?" I flooded my face with as much incredulity as my muscles could muster, "what is between me and you? I never came looking for you Black, you fucking cock, you are the one fucking starting every time."

"Just fucking leave her alone - she doesn't want you here"The fucking gorilla practically ate his own teeth, they were so clenched. He really was a goon. I couldn't wait to punch that fucking nose into his face.

He moved forward and I swung at him, but he dodged me bringing his own fist up, crunching it into my jaw and sending me spinning around. I fell against people in the crowd but they pushed me back toward him giving him perfect opportunity to strike again. And he did, boxing me in the side of the head and sending me spinning in the other direction.

My ears were fucking ringing but I could hear Bella shouting "Jake stop it, leave him alone."

Not a fucking chance. Jesus, did she have no fucking faith in my ability to knock this fucker out? Did Bella think so little of me that she was afraid for me and not him? Fuck it I was going to absolutely annihilate the jerk off. She would see who was the better man.

I launched myself at Jacob, grabbing him around the throat and thumping my fist into his stomach as hard as I could, hearing a gentle Oomph from him that meant I had winded him. Good. I jumped back, gained ground again and with all my weight behind it cracked him one right in the fucking face.

My hand throbbed and I shook the pain out as I leaned back, bringing my other hand into a solid fist which struck Jacobs cheek bone with a resounding whack and sent him skirting across the circle where the crowd parted and he hit the wall with a thud.

Half the crowd clapped and the other booed and chanted as Jacob got to his feet.

He leaned his hands on his knees as he struggled for breath. I waited patiently, I wasn't a dirty fighter. This fucker was just lucky I had been taught fair fighting in Fencing classes at Sebs. I could have knocked him out with a quick boot to the face if I'd wanted to.

He stood up straight with his hands on his hips, throwing daggers with his eyes as he glared at me from under his brow.

"I am going to fucking kick your irish ass" He said through his teeth.

"Yeah?" I said lifting both hands and beckoning him, "Bring it fucking on"

He pulled back and then launched himself at me. We fell to the ground, each with equal purchase around the others neck and we struggled there for a while. I resisted the urge to laugh but then forgoed it as Jacob became more and more angry at the little effect he was having.

Laughing in his face sent him over the edge and I quite enjoyed watching him explode, his struggle getting more desperate.

I rolled him onto his back, reaching up and tickling him under the chin, "Good doggy" I mocked and he screamed with temper. I rolled away quickly. I wanted another swing at him, I wanted him to hit the fucking deck.

I bounded to my feet at the same time he did. We circled each other, he was looking for a route to lift me off my feet it appeared, but all I needed was one good fucking punch.

This prick was the bain of my life. Everything had been going well both times when he had started shit. I was also convinced Bella would never have broken up with me the first time if he hadn't been loitering on the sidelines. Fucking vulture. It had worked out for the best, I'd grown a set of balls in my time away and everything with Bella was fucking perfect but still I _had_ to hold it against him. He was an asshole of the largest degree. Controlling prick. Who the fuck did he think he was to tell me who I could or could not be with?

I looked across at his girlfriend who was watching us with wide eyes. The Quillayete crew had her firmly tucked between them to prevent any sissy outbursts. It gave me cruel satisfaction that I had fucked Jacobs girlfriend. I couldn't help that. It gave me something over him, he knew it, I knew it. It wasn't clever and it wasn't kind but I was fucking happy that I had been, in some ways, the first choice for his girlfriend. Fuck him. He was nothing but a prick, causing trouble for me.

I smirked at him, throwing my eyes across at Leah and raising my eyebrows, showing Jacob that I remembered her. He would know why. I fucking hoped he would know why.

He did and I saw him grit his teeth, losing perspective and launching himself at me with complete abandon of all tactics.

Perfect.

I waited till he was about two feet away before bringing all my weight under my fist in an uppercut blow to the chin. I saw his eyes flutter on impact, then roll in his head and he crashed to the ground like a moose shot through the neck.

Fuck him. Half the crowd cheered and one Quillayete boy was restrained by the rest. The big one, Sam, shouted at me, "Get the fuck out of here Cullen. Its over."

I turned to walk away, seeing Bella shaking her head in the corner of my eye, but I heard Black groan and realised he was coming around.

I couldn't resist. I bent down to him, "What the fuck is it with you Black? You seem to have some weird obsession with my seconds, don't you?"

It came out louder than I expected, and half the crowd gasped. I snapped my head up, to where Bella had been standing. Fuck. She had heard me and now she was storming away, down the street. I looked at Alice who was shaking her head at me, her mouth in a firm line and her eyes narrowed. "You fucking idiot" She said, and then ran off after Bella.

I looked back at Jacob who was fully conscious again and smiling widely at me, "Jeez Cullen, you don't need any help at all do you? You lose that girl everytime just by being yourself."

He was helped to his feet by one of his crowd and his girlfriend who looked at me with angry eyes. I felt bad. She had never done anything to deserve being dragged in to this rivalry. As if reading my thoughts she walked up to me and said quietly, "I thought you were better than that Edward."

And then she slapped my face.

* * *

**_Song by Queen..._**

**_If you are interested in having a look at a banner which was made for this fanfiction you can go to twitpic and add /l9gtp_**


	25. Chapter 25

_Love is blindness, I dont want to see,_

_Wont you wrap the night around me,_

_Take my heart, _

_Love is blindness._

_In a parked car, In a crowded street,_

_You see your love made complete,_

_Thread is ripping, The knot is slipping,_

_Love is blindness._

* * *

_Edward_

* * *

I stormed after Bella. Fuck it. I cursed under my breath for being so fucking idiotic as to make such a low remark. I had sacrificed her at the expense of getting one up on Jacob. What the fuck was my problem? I really was an asshole sometimes.

I refused to run so it took me about a 100 yards to catch up on her, I passed Alice on the way who once she saw me follow had given up the chase.

"You're a fucking idiot Edward" She said as I flew by her, my stride increasing as I saw Bella start to run. I was amused by her little jog, she was so sexy even in situations like this. I _needed_ this night to end with her body wrapped around mine, no other option was even considerable.

I closed in on Bella, grabbing her by the elbow and spinning her around to face me.

"Where the fuck are you going?" I asked her, feeling hard done by since I had just fought that gorilla for _her_ honor.

She didn't speak. Her eyes flashed angrily and her mouth fidgeted but she said nothing. She just stared angrily at me, wearing me down.

"Look, I'm fucking sorry about...what I said" I said, pulling at her sleeve, "I just wanted to get at him."

"Right." She said, nodding sarcastically, "Well tell me this Edward, how do I know this fucking whole thing isn't just a plan to _get_ at Jacob?"

"Don't be so fucking ridiculous." I laughed, and then I shut the fuck up quickly as her face fell like thunder.

"So now I'm ridiculous" She said, turning on her heel and continuing her march.

I grabbed her elbow again, "Where the fuck are you going?"

"Get your fucking hands off me Edward" She said flinching out of my grasp, "Just go away"

"No." I said, beginning to lose my cool, "So what now? Its off? Its over? I just fucking fought for you"

She laughed out loud at that, "No you fucking didn't" She said, "You did that all for _yourself_. Your fucking ego. Just go away. My dad is coming to pick me up"

"No, I won't go away" I was incensed, "What the fuck is this? That guy is a fucking prick and he deserved it."

"He is not a fucking prick" She said sharply, shaking her hair out of her face with a defiant stance. "Jacob is one of my best friends"

"Oh ho!" I laughed, "Yeah right Bella, he is not your friend, he just wants to get into your fucking pants and you know it!"

Her jaw dropped and she narrowed her eyes, "He does not! Fuck you Edward, Jacob has a girlfriend"

"Yeah yeah, I saw that, I'm sure she is one lucky girl...So if he is so happy there how come he is so fucking interested in who _you_ are with then?"

"He is a little protective of me, I'll give you that...but after the mess you left..."

"I left? I left?" I started to lose my cool, I didn't think through what I was going to say, "Hang on one fucking minute Bella, you fucking finished things with me. You finished it with me remember?"

"Yeah Edward I do remember." Her voice got all high and wobbly, "I remember your sister and your brother being assholes to me and you doing nothing. I remember you hanging me out to dry over and over. I also remember you fucking _kissing_ someone else! Yeah Edward I fucking remember."

_Touche._

I didn't have anything to say so I just tried to kiss her instead, it was a fucking insanely stupid thing to try and do and she pushed me away with fury on her face. Then she slapped me across the cheek, leaving my ear ringing for the second time in one night.

"Fucking hell!" I shouted, rubbing my jaw with my palm. She turned away, so I grabbed her by the jacket, "Bella, please, this is fucking ridiculous, I'm _sorry_. Please can we just move on? "

"Move on?" She shouted, smacking at my hands that held her sleeves, "No fucking problem Edward. Watch me move on right fucking now. You asshole!"

She wriggled out of my clutching hands and marched off again. I stood there, watching her storm up the steps of the police station without so much as another look my way.

I smacked my palms to my forehead, pulling my hair back roughly. I wanted to pull my brain out and smash it off the pavement. I turned back and stormed back to the bar. The Quillayetes had left the scene and the rest of the crowd had gone back in out of the freezing air. Jasper and Alice were sitting on the wall outside waiting for me.

Jasper rolled his eyes at me as I approached, "That was pretty mental Dude" He said, "Nice punches though, clean lines" Alice slapped him on the arm and he flinched.

"Where is Bella?" Alice asked quietly as I reached her side, she stretched out her hand and patted my shoulder.

"Gone to get a lift from her dad." I said, "She is really pissed off, it's ridiculous"

"Ed, do you blame her?" Alice asked, grimacing. "I mean you practically called her 'sloppy seconds'...it was seriously harsh."

"I didn't mean it like that." I demanded, feeling like punching the wall, "She fucking knows I didn't. She fucking knows me."

"Of course she does Dude" Jasper said, hopping down off the wall and lifting Alice down, "She has to be mad though, you gotta give her that, I mean you said it in front of everyone."

I felt my brain twist, how could I be such a fucking jerk? Ugh. I was so mad at myself.

"Here" I handed Jasper my keys, "Go with Alice, I'm gonna walk"

"Edward its freezing!" Alice protested.

"I'm fine" I said giving her a gentle shove toward Jasper, who took her hand and narrowed his eyes at me.

"I'll drop Alice home and drive back this way, in case you're still walking" He said and I nodded, I'd head for the motel. We'd probably get back at the same time.

I turned on my heel and headed into the cold darkness. I pulled my collar up around my ears, pulled my beanie hat out of my pocket and dragged it down over my ears. It was cold but I needed to walk all the adrenalin off, the fight still had my heart thumping.

I would walk back to the motel, I would sleep and then tomorrow I would apologize to Bella until she forgave me.

* * *

_Two dozen other dirty lovers,_

_Must be a sucker for it,_

_Cry cry but I don't need my mother._

_Just hold my hand while I come_

_to a decision on it_

_Sooner or later_

_Your legs give way, you hit the ground_

_Save it for later_

_Don't run away and let me down_

_Sooner or later_

* * *

_Bella_

_

* * *

  
_

I took a ride home with the on duty officer, after calling my dad and getting no answer. When I got back to the house I noticed a rental car in the driveway and a light on in the guest room. My mother was here.

I was slightly weirded out by the fact that she hadn't told me she was coming, and also disturbed by the knowledge that Charlie definitely hadn't been expecting her. I knew how he behaved when she was coming, vacuuming like mad, opening the windows. So she must have arrived unexpectedly. Something must be wrong.

I was cautious opening the door, making a big racket, kicking the bottle rack and exclaiming loudly as I entered the house. There was complete silence. I moved around downstairs, banging anything I could. Walking in on my parents doing it was not an option I was willing to consider.

Eventually when I was sure the coast was clear I headed up to my room. My dads door was slightly ajar and though I tried to avoid looking in I did anyway. There they were. Asleep in each others arms, _my parents_, and it felt like such a de ja vu. I wondered did I remember this image from being a little kid. I cannot tell you what happened to me at that point, it was like everything i knew was suddenly a lie and I could not breathe. I ran to my room and locked the door, gasping for breath as I leaned against it. Even though I thought I knew this was going on, I had heard them admit it a few weeks before, seeing it just brought it home. The reality, the proof of it was hard to take. This was insane. My mother was fucking married! How long had this been going on? Nothing made sense.

The de ja vu was so fucking strong, I began to wonder had I unconsciously registered my mother sleeping in my fathers arms before? Had I walked by that door many times and somewhere subconsciously registered that they were together behind it? Ugh. I felt like I would throw up with the confusion.

I needed to get out of here. _Edward._

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at it. No. I couldn't call Edward, I couldn't just flip flop like that, I was angry. He would see me as such a weakling if I backed off now, I wanted to show him that he could not walk over me. I wasn't some meek little woman. I didn't need anyone.

So I rang Jacob.

"Hello?"He answered the phone after one ring.

"Jake? Its me." I said, not sure what I wanted exactly.

"You okay?" His voice got loud, "Has that prick-"

"No!" I nipped that line of questioning in the bud, "Jake can you come over? I need you."

"I've just dropped Leah home" He said, "I can drive back your way..."

"Thanks"

I hung up. Staying in my coat and grabbing my scarf and hat I snuck back downstairs and out onto the porch.

Jacob pulled up about five minutes later, just at the corner and I ran down, gratefully jumping in to his passenger seat and closing the door.

"Where to?" Jacob asked, a grin on his face as he shook his head playfully.

"What?" I poked his arm, "What's so amusing?"

"Nothing" He said, "I'm just glad you rang. I was worried with the whole thing with Leah you would stop...this shit"

"No such luck" I said rolling my eyes, "Fuck Jake I am in so much weirdness at the moment"

"What's up?" His face got serious, "That Cullen fuck better not be-"

"No, no its not him" I said vehemently, "You need to give him a break you know..."

Jacob clucked his tongue, "He is a fucking loser Bella"

"Hey!" I felt indignant, "He is not. Anyway thats not...he's not my problem so can we just drop that?"

"What's your problem?" Jacob turned into Airport Road.

"My parents...." I muttered, revolted by what I was to say, "They're fucking."

Jacob burst out laughing, banging the steering wheel, "No shit Sherlock!" He said shaking his head.

"What? You know?" I was horrified, "What do you mean?"

"Bella, I can't believe this is news to you"

"Well its not exactly news, I heard something a few weeks ago..."

"A few weeks ago?" Jacob's tone got softer, "Bella, they've been at that for years..."

I hung my head, tears flooding my eyes and I pretended to rub at a stain on my jeans.

Jacob pulled into the hard shoulder, leaned across the car and took me into his arms. Jacob hugs were the best, he knew exactly the right amount of pressure and patting that just made me feel so much better. He kissed the top of my head.

"How can you be sad about it?" He asked in a whisper, "I mean Bella thats your parents..."

"I know" I said, hiccoughing, "but they've never been....my whole life...."

He shook his head against mine, "They're just people. Don't be too hard on them."

I lay my head on his shoulder, wiping my tears in the thick fabric of his jacket.

He released me and I sat back, rubbing my eyes with my fingers.

I heard Jacob mutter, "Oh here we fucking go." I looked across at him, then followed his gaze out the front windscreen to see Edward, my Edward, standing in front of the car with a look of absolute fury on his face.

My heart sank, "Shit" I said, "What must this look like?"

"What do you fucking...Bella what the fuck is going on?" Jacob started unbuckling his seat belt, and suddenly the idea of them fighting again overwhelmed me and I burst out crying again.

"Jacob...stop! Please..." I grabbed his arm, looking at Edward whose face was flinching in outrage. He shook his head and turned on his heel, shoving his hands in his pockets and storming off up the road.

"What the fuck is his problem?" Jacob started the engine.

"Jake its complicated, I...we're seeing each other again..." I braced myself.

"Seeing? What the... Bella how the fuck can you say that?" Jacob was completely disgusted. I supposed from his point of view it must seem insane, he couldn't understand the sexual pull between Edward and I, nor the real life love that we felt within that.

"I'll explain later" I said, popping the door and jumping out of the car. I leaned back in, "Jacob thank you for coming to get me. I'll call you tomorrow..."

"Where are you going?" He demanded, his head turning to look at Edward in the distance, "Bella I don't fucking get this...I thought you hated him"

"I don't hate him" I explained, "Jacob, you're my best friend... thank you for being there for me tonight but I gotta go!"

I shut the car door and tucked my chin in as I ran to catch up with Edward. Jacob's car turned in the road and drove away and suddenly there was darkness and wind and cold and I was running after Edward, hoping to find warmth there.

I caught up with him as we reached the cross roads, grabbing him by the arm and saying his name with as much breath as I could muster.

I expected him to grab me close, to kiss me, to hold me there in the rain and never let go.

But instead he looked at me like I was scum, shook my hand away and walked away.

* * *

**_Song - Save it for Later - The English Beat_**


	26. Chapter 26

_If you leave me now, you'll take away the very heart of me_

_Ooo oh, no, baby please don't go_

_A love like ours is love thats hard to find_

_How could we let it slip away?_

_We've come to far to leave it all behind_

_How could we end it all this way?_

_When tomorrow comes,_

_and we'll both regret things we said today_

_A love like ours is love thats hard to find_

_How could we let it slip away?_

* * *

_Bella_

_

* * *

  
_

I ran after him.

"I should have called _you_" I shouted as he crossed the wet road and headed up the driveway to his motel.

He didn't even turn around.

"I should have called _you_!" I shouted again, running fruitlessly, my feet going nowhere as the distance between us got greater. "Edward!"

He stopped but didn't turn around, even when I caught up to him. I reached out my hand and touched his arm but he shrugged me off.

"What _do_ you want?" He spat, still not turning to face me.

I couldn't speak for a moment, I could see my mistake flashing in front of my eyes. What Edward had said to Jacob during the fight had not warranted all of this. I had over reacted. I should have called him,_ him. _ Not Jacob. Me and my fucking pride. Now it looked....well, it looked like I had gone back to switching between the two of them. I couldn't blame him for being furious, and hurt.

"You." I said, trying to push my voice out but failing and managing only a whisper, "All I 'want' is you."

Edward's shoulders relaxed and he turned to face me, shaking his head.

"What were you doing with him?" He looked hurt and defeated. I felt so scared.

"I...my parents...Edward its such a long story can we talk about it inside?" I was willing to beg. _Please don't say no please don't say no._

He stared at me for way too long, and with each second my heart beat got harder and faster with the horror that he might refuse me.

"Edward...please?"

"How does this work Bella? If I say_ no_ what? You'll ring that goon?" He shook his head

"No!" I pleaded, "I wouldn't, I was upset and he is my best friend, I was upset...please...Edward..."

"Upset? Over what? I know I said a stupid thing but I was...I am fucking sorry" Edward pressed his fingers to his temples, "What does it say about us if you go running to him to complain about me?"

"NO!" I shouted, feeling the tears filling my eyes with a hot sting.

"I don't even get you and him anyway, what is it?" He continued, "Like he fucking walks in and starts getting up in my face and you don't even say _anything_. You didn't set him straight. What are you afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid of anything, I just...he just means a lot to me." I said, pulling my hat off and feeling the cold air on my scalp, cooling my head.

"Where do I fit into that then?" Edward mirrored me, pulling his own hat off and shoving it into his pocket. His hair was all over the place, making him look so beautiful in the blue light. It caught against the high lights in his wild mane, and hardened his features. He looked like a statue.

"I love _you_." I said, somewhere inside hoping that would be sufficient but knowing it wouldn't be. I had done the wrong thing, if roles were reversed I'd be heading for the hills. Knowing that made me so anxious. I was also really pissed off that now I couldn't be annoyed at Edward. I was still hurting over the 'seconds' remark but I couldn't bring it up now. It was all so confusing.

"Bella, I love you but this running to Jacob Black thing..." Edward kicked at the ground, "Its weird. I mean this fucker punches me out at a party, then starts shit again tonight and you call _him_ to bitch about _me_?"

"No! I didn't though" I began to get frantic. I was convinced this would play out like the movies, when no-one seems to be capable of explaining themselves and then things just go too far, "I need to explain..."

"Explain then." Edward said. Okay so not like the movies. I needed to stop that.

My mind went blank suddenly. I took a deep breath, composing myself before I spoke.

"I went home, but my... Charlie must have thought I was staying out when I didn't call." I said, "and so when i got home, well, Renee was there too. They were... you know?"

"What?" Edward said, but then his eyes widened and he grimaced, "Did you walk in on them... doing it? Eeuw."

I shook my head, feeling a retch in my throat at the very idea, "No... after I think, they were asleep"

"Oh" He looked at me, then he frowned and said "I don't get you."

"Well," I felt tears sting my eyes for the millionth time that night, "My mom is married so..."

Edward nodded, realizing that it was complicated, "Its not your problem though, so don't worry about it." He said as if it was an easy solution.

"I'm not worried. Maybe a bit disgusted." I admitted, "I'm just upset."

"So you rang gorilla boy." Edward said, taking a step backward, "So you get upset and you ring that mongrel instead of your boyfriend."

"Well, no...but we were fighting so..."

Edward looked so fucked off when I said that, my mind raced but I could think of nothing to say to make it better. So we just stood there for about ten minutes, as the night got colder and colder.

"What so Jacob is your back up plan?" Edward suddenly asked, with a tone in his voice I didn't recognize.

"No! What do you...how can you say that?" I was horrified.

"How can_ I_ say that?" Edward pointed at me fiercely, full of temper, "Because Bella every fucking time we have issues with each other, I find you in his fucking arms. Every fucking time."

"Its not like that!" I pleaded.

"Bella just go home" He was so angry, "Here-" He offered me his phone, "-call Jacob."

"No! Edward!" I begged him with my eyes, walking closer to him and pulling at his jacket.

Then I saw movement in the corner of my eye and saw Alice coming down the driveway, wrapped in a big comforter.

"Edward I'm bringing Bella inside out of the cold." She said sharply, flashing angry eyes at her brother as she passed and took me by the hand, "She'll be in Jaspers room with me. Jasper can sleep in with you."

Edward's mouth fell open and he turned watching us as we walked back into the motel.

I looked back at him until the lobby doors closed behind us but he didn't budge, his face like stone.

I felt uneasy. Perhaps I had pushed him too far this time.

* * *


	27. Chapter 27

_Have I found you? _

_Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth?_

* * *

_Edward_

_

* * *

  
_

"I thought you were bringing Alice home?" I said to Jasper as I came through the door into my room where he was sitting in the window, smoking a joint, "and Dude... what's with the weed man? Where the hell did you get that? My sister better not have been smoking that shit with you"

Jasper looked at me like I had lost my marbles and I knew I had been foolish to even ask, Jazz smoked a bit of weed but he was no drug pusher. "I tried to take her home but she wanted to wait here for you" He said, sucking the end of the joint with a hiss and squinting at me through the smoke. "Want?"

"No, I don't" I said, "but I'll have a cigarette if you've got one, thanks man"

Jasper flicked the end out the window and then fumbled through his pockets for his box of Marlboros which he retrieved and threw to me.

I tapped a cigarette out and flicked it into my mouth, shrugging my jacket off and hanging it on the back of the chair. I sat down.

"Close the window man" I said, lighting the cigarette and leaning back, taking a long drag.

"No man" jasper shook his head, pushing the window open further, "I don't want your passive smoke."

I raised my eyebrows in amusement at his contradiction.

"What's with the whole Bella thing anyway?" Jasper said, standing up and leaning over to grab the edge of the comforter from one of the beds, pulling it to wrap around himself.

"What Bella thing?" I said as if I didn't care. Acting the hard man in front of Jasper was ridiculous, I knew that, but I was so fucking hurt and pissed off.

He gave me one sharp nod, as if to say "Whatever man" and then he looked away.

"Sorry dude" I said, "I don't know what's gone on if I'm honest, everything was so fucking amazing and then...well you saw, and she fucking ended up with that prick Black again"

"What?" Jasper sat up, "What the hell?"

"I was walking back here and I came across them super cosy in his car"

"No fucking way!" Jasper stood up and started pacing back and forth.

"Yes fucking way..." I slammed my palms over my eyes, "I swear to God Jasper, that fucking guy..."

Jasper stood looking at me with his hands on his hips and a deep frown on his forehead.

"What are you thinking?" He asked me finally.

I felt so heavy, my shoulders ached with the tension, "I don't fucking know" I admitted, "Jesus Jasper, for over a year all I wanted was to get back to Bella, to be with her again" I stubbed my cigarette out and immediately felt like another one.

"I know" There was no jokes cracked, no funny faces. Jasper was so serious it was beginning to worry me.

"And now?" I dropped my head into my hands, combing through my hair with my fingers.

"Eddy, what are you thinking?" My friend lit a cigarette and threw it to me, I caught it deftly, putting the filter between my lips and pulling a breath through it, filling my lungs with smoke. It felt good. Calmed me down. Helped me think.

"I'm thinking...maybe I'm wrong" I said, and immediately my throat began to close with the agony of what I might decide here. "Maybe...maybe over the last year I built Bella up to be something that she isn't. Maybe I put her in a place that she just can't stay for long. I don't know Jasper, all I do know is that seeing her in that fucking car with that...mongrel...changed something for me."

"Edward..." Jasper looked at me sternly. My fucking head was spinning and I was so fucking angry, "Just sleep on it. You don't want to do anything tonight that you'd regret."

I stood up and started pacing the floor trying to get a hold on what I was feeling. I felt cheated. Everything had been so amazing, the beach party, the flower farm. I felt betrayed, Bella hadn't so much as told Jacob to mind his own business. I couldn't work out what that meant, how did that affect me? To be abandoned when I needed her? Thats what it was, thats what it felt like. I'd taken a good few punches from that animal, at his bequest not mine. He fucking started it, yet he was the one she ran to when she needed a shoulder to cry on. Where did I stand? Before Jacob, beside him, ten feet behind him? He had been a bane on my life for all this time, yet I was beginning to wonder whether that was actually his fault or whether Bella had placed him there deliberately. I couldn't focus, I couldn't hold on to what was truth and what was fiction. Did I even fucking know Bella at all?

Jasper was adamant that I just go asleep but I couldn't. I lay awake in the dark, my jaw and my ribs aching from the fight and wondering what the fuck all this meant. I felt like I could smell Bella, like her perfume was wafting through the doors like an absurd cartoon. I couldn't concentrate. It was late and I was horny and she was here. I needed to figure out what everything meant so that if it meant nothing I could get back with her as soon as I could, and get her under me again. If it meant something then I would just fuck off back to San Diego and get on with my life.

Just as I was thinking that there was a small knock at my door and Alice pushed her little face into the gap.

"Ed?" She whispered loudly.

"Yeah?" I sat up, "Come in"

She pushed open the door and padded across to sit on my bed.

"Go make up with Bella" She whispered, reaching out and touching my cheek, "She needs you. You need her. You were an idiot, she was an idiot. There is nothing to argue about."

"Alice I..." but she shushed me with a stern frown.

"Ed, I know you, you will mull this over and go with the easiest option" She said, "Thats what you do. You look at the two roads and you go for the one you think has less bumps. What you don't realise Ed, is that _all_ roads have bumps eventually, and you would probably prefer to get them over with early in the journey...wouldn't you? If that meant the easiest road was later?"

I looked at my sister. The wise little guru trapped in a pixies body. Maybe she was right.

"I'll sleep in here" She said, unconsciously flicking her eyes over to where Jasper lay asleep in the most insane position, "He always sleep like that?" She asked stifling a giggle, "Like a starfish in outer space?"

I nodded, "You'll find a nook in there I'm sure"

She leaned in for a hug and squeezed me tight, "Go out on a limb for once Ed, I mean isn't that where all the best fruit are?"

I nodded. My sister had a way with words. Suddenly I felt stronger, more focused.

I stood up, untying and retying my pajama bottoms and stretching my limbs out. I shook sleep out of my head.

Then I walked as quietly as I could to the adjoining door.

Bella was sitting up in bed. She looked tiny and she looked so sad. When she saw me her bottom lip started to wobble but as much as I wanted to comfort her I didn't go over, I was still mad as hell.

"Edward?" She said, her voice a little pleading stab at my heart.

I moved across the room to sit on the other bed opposite her and I switched on the bedside light, illuminating Bella further. Fuck. She was in her underwear, my breath hitched and I had to look away.

This was what I didn't want to fucking happen. I didn't want to let my dick rule on this one.

I needed to get what I wanted, Jacob Black out of my life. Fucking Bella now would only muddy the water, make it harder to resolve things later.

"Edward? I'm sorry" She said sadly and then she burst into tears, draining me of all resolve and forcing me across the room where I picked her half into my arms and held her close.

Her little arms snaked around my neck and she shuddered against me, I replaced her on the bed and stood in front of her.

She looked up at me, "Edward, I never meant to be a bitch. I was being selfish."

"Bella, its not right." I said firmly, "You running to fucking Jacob the way you do. Its way off"

She nodded, running her hand across her nose and sniffing loudly.

"I know" She nodded, swallowing hard and looking at me with such a lonesome expression I couldn't bear it, "I was so stupid, I needed to get out of the house and I wanted to call you but I was being so stubborn...I never thought..."

"That I'd see you?" I narrowed my eyes at her.

"No, I mean I didn't think anything" She rubbed her upper arms with her palms, almost holding herself, while she maintained eye contact with a firm expression. "I went home, angry at you, saw my parents together, freaked out and then called Jacob because I am an asshole. I know I am. I called him when I was too stubborn to call you and I see how wrong that is now, but you have to understand Edward, that's who Jacob is to me. He is the person I turn to when I am upset. Its habit."

"It makes me look like a fucking dick" I said, my fists balling by my sides with the jealousy and anger that still pulsed through my veins.

"It doesn't" Bella started crying again. I hated seeing her cry but I just felt so fucked off. It was like an internal battle was raging, my love and protectiveness waging war against my jealousy and anger.

"It does." I stood up and walked over to the wall, leaning against it with a sigh, "Bella I don't know..."

She looked terrified, her hands flew to her throat and her eyes went wide, "You don't know what?" Her voice shook as she spoke, "Edward...don't leave me."

I didn't reply. I closed my eyes, shutting the vision of her pleading face from my mind.

* * *

_Is it true? Is it over? Did I throw it away?_

_Was it you? Did you tell me that you would never leave me this way? _

* * *

_Bella_

_

* * *

  
_

Alice and I talked.

"What were you _thinking_?" She said, when I told her about Jacob coming to pick me up.

I shook my head, "I don't know Alice" I admitted, "I was being so fucking stubborn."

Alice looked so disgusted at me I felt physically ill.

"Did you kiss Jacob?" She asked me then and I grabbed her hands and pleaded.

"No Alice! Jesus! Of course not!" My head reeled at the thought that she, or Edward might think that.

She nodded, "Okay, I just worried that...Bella it is so messy when you involve a third person in a relationship."

"Oh its such a mess" I said lying back into the pillows on the bed and covering my face with my palms. "I just need to talk to Edward."

"I've never seen him so furious Bella"

"I know, and I deserve it but I love him so much Alice" I started to cry. "I just want to say sorry"

Alice nodded, "I know. Bella you are going to have to give up Jacob"

My stomach churned, "Give him up? What do you mean?"

"I mean stop the double standards. There is no way in hell you would be with Edward if there was some girl hanging out of him all the time. You need to let go of this weird thing you have with Jacob Black."

"Its not a weird thing." I defended myself, "He has been so amazing. When Edward left... Alice, what I have with Jacob is like family..."

"No, it_ isn't_ Bella" Alice pushed, "He isn't family, at least he is your ex-boyfriend, at worst he is a rival for your affections. Either way, it just isn't kosher."

I didn't like Alice saying what she was saying. It made me want to tell her to mind her own business, she was being so straight. I didn't take to it well, I wanted to be the good guy. I felt irritated by the insinuation that I was less than honest. I wanted Angela to be the one helping me with this, she always told me the truth but was never so harsh about it. Alice was on Edward's side, that was becoming clear, and I couldn't judge whether her opinion was solely based on that. Was it so wrong to be best friends with Jacob? Why did it matter? Surely I could have male friends?

I thought about Jacob pushing Edward away from me in the bar. He had just got the wrong end of the stick, but I realised that I hadn't tried to defend Edward. I hadn't said _anything_. Was there a chance that Alice was right, that the relationship I had with Jacob was more than I was professing. I thought back to the conversation I had with Jacob on the beach that night...he had said I was using him, and in ways he had been right. I _had_ to admit it to myself, I fucking knew that Jacob was in love with me but I liked the dependability of his friendship and the way he was always there when I needed him. It was nice to be loved. I was such a fucking asshole, I realised that but I still didn't want to lose Jacob. I knew he would be my hero, even when the enemy all along was myself. I couldn't imagine giving him up, much as I loved Edward. I just wished I could have both of them in my life. Maybe even they could be friends.

"I just need to talk to Edward" I said, forcing the tears back.

Alice stood up, she looked at me and shook her head, "You _know _its not right Bella. I've been with Jasper a couple of weeks and I wouldn't sit in a car at night with a guy he had just been fighting. Where is your loyalty?"

"I have loyalty, I love Edward." I said firmly, still not liking this harsh side to Alice.

Her face softened, almost as if she read my thoughts, she leaned in and rubbed a tear from my cheek with her thumb, "Bella, he is my brother, I just don't want him messed around."

"I'll do anything..." I stuttered.

She nodded, "I know. I'm sorry if I seem harsh, I just needed to be sure you weren't playing games."

"I'm not Alice, I love Edward. Jacob is just a friend."

"Well, you need to figure out which man is more important to you, because you _will_ have to choose" She said, then she turned and went to the adjoining door, knocked and went through it.

I sat there holding my breath. The door eventually opened again and for one horrible second I thought it was Alice. I silently thanked God when I saw Edward come in to the room.

I knew it wouldn't be instant, I knew he'd want to talk about it but I hoped, I prayed that before the sun came up I would have Edward's arms around me.

Where they belonged.

* * *

_**Lyrics by Iron & Wine and Yohanna**_


	28. Chapter 28

_Cold, cold water surrounds me now_

_And all I've got is your hand_

_Lord, can you hear me now?_

_Or am I lost?_

_

* * *

  
_

_Bella_

_

* * *

  
_

I inched onto my knees as Edward sat down on the bed again, moving cautiously toward him. I felt if I could just get close to him, if I could just touch him this fight would dissolve. I just wanted to be with him, if we fucked the whole thing would be over and we'd be back to normal. I needed to get him to touch me back, I needed to get far enough that he wouldn't be able to say no. Once we slept together there would be no anger left.

I reached out and pressed my palm to his cheek, pulling his face toward me. He resisted, "Don't Bella." He said, but I tried again and this time he let me, pressing his own hand over mine.

He wouldn't look at me, "I'm sorry Edward" I said, whispering and bringing my mouth close to his ear. I kissed the lobe and felt that stiffening in his shoulders that meant he was on the brink of resistance. I bit his ear gently and then drew the soft lobe in through my teeth, sucked it and let it go. I pressed my forehead into his hair, "I'm sorry" I said again, pressing my chest against his shoulder and wrapping my arms around his head, "Please..." I whispered.

He turned his face to my chest, pressing his lips against the skin there and reluctantly putting his arms around my waist. I knelt there for a minute and then I pushed against him gently, lying him back on to the bed and following to lie along him. I closed my mouth around his, running my tongue along the gap in his lips, seducing him, demanding he kiss me back. Eventually he yielded with a sigh, rolling me onto my side and smashing our mouths together.

His lips were harder then usual and he kissed me with a roughness I didn't recognize. His hands didn't wander like they usually did, he just held me against him with a rigidness that felt as though he wasn't really there at all. I would get through this barrier. I wriggled against him, hitching my knee over his leg and pressing my hips to his.

"I love you." I said against his mouth, "I love you." He pulled his face away and stared, almost glared, at me. He shook his head.

Then he flipped me onto my back, crushing his lips against mine and grinding against me. His tongue dove into my mouth, not responding to mine, but in a defiant way.

He grabbed at his pajama bottoms, untying them with one hand and kicked them off. Then he tore at my underpants, pulling them down my legs and throwing them onto the floor.

He loomed above me, putting all his weight on his hands, looking down at me with dark angry eyes and said, "Do you love Jacob?"

I shook my head, "What? No... Edward...I love you."

I traced my finger along his jaw, "Fuck me Edward...please...we can talk after..." I knew if I could get him inside me that he would forget the argument or whatever this fucking was. I knew that if I could get him to see what we_ had_, how fucking amazing we were together, the whole Jacob thing would fade again.

He grabbed me around the waist, pulling me down the bed and lying on me. I moved my legs apart, running my hands into his hair and shifting my position. Then suddenly he was in me, thrusting against me. It wasn't violent, but it wasn't _anything_. It was a void where there had been love. I tried to move against him, tried to slow it down but he was so disconnected from me. I couldn't get through.

"Edward" I whispered, "Slow down, please..." Tears started streaming out of my eyes, even though I wasn't crying. I was just so shocked that Edward was being so cold. He just thrust into me faster and faster, gripping my hips for purchase, his face turned away. So I just lay there hoping he would realise what he was doing, hoping he would remember it was me. It was _me_.

He didn't. He just fucked me like I was a stranger, and when he was done he got up off me, put his pants back on and left the room.

I lay there, not sure what had just happened. I couldn't understand. Our usual love making had been completely abandoned by Edward. He had fucked me like I was nothing to him, like some dirty one night stand. It was so hurtful. There had been no feelings. The connection had been forced out of the room by Edward. Could he really be this angry?

I couldn't think straight. I turned onto my side, crushed my face into the pillow and forced myself asleep.

* * *

_Alone in the night as the daylight brings a cold empty silence_

_The warmth of your hand and a cold grey sky_

_It fades to the distance._

_The feeling is gone,_

_Only you and I,_

_This means nothing to me._

_

* * *

  
_

_Edward_

_

* * *

  
_

I left the room. I couldn't even breathe with disgust at myself.

I grabbed my jacket, my hat and my boots and just fucking got out of there. My car was freezing when I got in but it warmed up after a few minutes on the road.

How could I have just done what I had done? I had taken the love out of that room. It wasn't even a fuck, I had basically jerked off. Bella's voice pleading _Slow down please _played over and over in my head.

I felt like a monster. I wanted to fight with myself, I wanted to beat the shit out of myself. Nobody else would get away with treating Bella so badly, l would kick the crap out of anyone who even spoke down to her. Now I had done the worst thing, I'd used her. I'd treated her like a bitch. I was no better than an animal.

I drove straight to the beach at La Push.

What the fuck was my problem? I'd come back to get this woman, this person that I thought had meant everything. A few hours before we had been madly in love, enjoying life together and now it seemed like we were being forced apart by something deeper than ourselves. I banged my head off the steering wheel in frustration. I couldn't calm my anger down. It was like a fucking storm, whipping up around me. That fucking bastard Jacob Black, he fucking knew exactly what he was doing, playing the best friend. Best friend my fucking foot. Waiting patiently until the storm fucking ran itself out of town.

I got out of the car and punched and kicked and threw anything and everything I could. I was so fucking angry. I raked my fingers through my hair and leaned against the car to catch my breath. I kicked the tyre and banged the roof of the car, images of Bella's face as I ploughed into her flashing through my mind. She didn't fucking deserve that.

I'd fucked her like I had fucked every girl before her. Like she meant nothing. Like she was just to be used and discarded.

I suddenly saw all the faces of the girls I had been with before Bella, that same sad expression as I headed for the door. The text messages the next day. The enthusiastic chatter if I met them on the street. The hints that they were still single. The blase invitations to parties.

I'd thought it was because they were pathetic, they'd let me treat them like shit and still come running. I had been wrong. They had been like that because they were hoping somewhere along that hard line they could get that little piece of themselves back. That piece of them that I had taken when I'd used them. Call it what you like, respect, self esteem, worth. I had robbed them, consensual or not, I had taken what was not mine.

Fuck.

That conclusion hit me like a ton of fucking bricks and I thought I might throw up. I leaned onto the roof of the car breathing through my nose. I was a fucking asshole. I had always been a fucking asshole and being with Bella wouldn't change that. I would always be a fucking bastard and I would always fucking hurt her. I would just fuck it up, every time.

I was just about to get back into my car when I heard footsteps and I looked up to see that Quillayette girl coming down the path. She had the biggest fucking dog I had ever seen on a leash, a big brown wolf looking thing. Yet though it was massive it looked so completely harmless. She let it off the leash about two seconds before she spotted me and flinched with the shock. It bounded over to me and snuffled into my hands, demanding to be petted. The affection was a comfort, which surprised me.

"Edward Cullen?" Leah was surprised, "What the hell are you doing here?" Her tone was sharp but I could still see it, that little piece of her that hoped I'd be nice, hoped I'd be respectful, that would let her know she was whole again. "Stop it Brady!" She pulled the dogs nose away from my hands.

"I'm just leaving" I said, opening my car door.

"Wait!" She shouted just as I swung the door closed and so I left it ajar, turning my body in the seat to face her.

She stood there in front of me for a minute and then spoke. "I'm sorry I slapped you" She said, "I don't want you to hate me."

"What?" I couldn't fucking believe it, "Why on earth would you give a shit either way? I treated you really badly Leah" I hoped I had her name right but her small smile let me see I hadn't, "And I just beat the crap out of your boyfriend and then to top it off practically called you sloppy seconds - I deserved that slap"

She shrugged, "I don't know then, I just don't want _you_ to hate me."

"I don't" I said, and looked at the ground, "but _you_ should hate _me_. I treated you like shit."

She said nothing, just stood there with her mouth open, "What's wrong with you?" She finally said.

"In general? Or just tonight?" I asked her, rummaging under the seats until I found a box of cigarettes, shaking it and finding it half full. I lit one and drew long on it pulling the smoke deep into my lungs. I exhaled through my nose, enjoying the sensation and the heat in the back of my throat. The smoke stung my eyes and I inhaled, shaking my head to cool down the sting.

She laughed a little, "Well...this morning I suppose..." She attempted to grab her dog, which ran by her but it evaded her grasp and she smiled, shaking her head as it careered around the dunes.

I looked out toward the ocean, fuck. The sun was coming up. It was so fucking cold too. I shivered. I felt like asking Leah if she would sit into the car but visions of Jacob fucking Black smashing through the windscreen halted me in my tracks.

I shook my head, "Nothing."

"Shouldn't you be at home with your girl?" Leah asked, whistling expertly at the dog who came back immediately. "I mean after all, you were fighting over her a while ago...and you did win...after all"

I looked at the ground. I felt like getting at Black by telling this girl where he had been tonight, did she know? I fucking doubt it. But no matter how pissed I was at Bella, no matter how fucked off I was that she was sitting in a car with Jacob Blacks hands all over her, I wasn't going to tattle to Leah about it. She didn't deserve to be pissed too. Over nothing. I fucking knew it was nothing, I'd felt Bella's body around mine, there was no way anyone else had been there. I knew that and I was being an asshole. Why was this all so fucking hard?

"I should be, you're right." I said, "I better go." I gave her a little salute and I closed the door, reversing carefully past her and her dog before turning and heading back to the motel.

As I drove into the car lot, I realised I didn't want to go back upstairs. I really didn't want to but I knew I had to. I had to face up to what I had done. I had no idea what would happen when I got upstairs but I knew I had to find out.

* * *


	29. Chapter 29

_My hands are tied _

_My body bruised. _

_She's got me with nothing to win, _

_and nothing left to lose _

_You give yourself away, _

_With or without you _

_I can't live with or without you._

_

* * *

  
_

_Edward_

_

* * *

  
_

I stood outside the room for ten minutes before knocking. As my knuckles hit the wood of the door I wanted to change my mind but it was too late.

I heard the pad of feet cross the room and then the door swung open and Bella stood there. She looked fucking tiny. She was in her pants and undershirt and her little rib bones stood out through the cotton.

"You're too skinny" I said, my voice was husky from smoking.

She looked me up and down with the saddest expression and then stood aside for me to enter the room. She sat up on the bed, crossing her legs under her and uneasily scratching at her skin.

I stood there.

"Bella" I said finally not knowing what would come out of my mouth after that but needing to break the unbearable silence. I didn't know what I wanted. I wished I had sorted that out before coming back, I mean I knew I _wanted_ Bella...in a basic sense. I just didn't know whether I could handle it, the ups and downs. It was such a fucking roller coaster.

She looked up at me and bit her top lip. I didn't want to say what I was feeling, I didn't want to speak but she was waiting for me to say something.

"Bella...this isn't going to work out...for me..."

Her mouth dropped open, "What? What are you...how can...what are you saying?" Her eyebrows raised and her eyes widened and her head started shaking back and forth with complete incredulity.

I stared at the floor, frowning, "I don't know..." That was the fucking truth, I didn't know. I should have just stopped there.

"Are you...are you breaking up with me?" Her voice cracked halfway and she took a massive gulp of air.

"No...I don't know..."I said, not knowing what the fuck I was doing, suddenly I couldn't focus on what I wanted to say. I just wanted this to stop. "I just can't see this working...its too fucked up, its too hard."

Bella made a sound like she had been punched. Her hands went to her stomach and she bent over slightly. The color drained out of her face and her eyes filled with tears.

She flew at me then, grabbing my jacket and banging my chest with her fists. She screamed at me through her teeth, her eyes full of hot tears, her face white with anger.

Her chest heaved with huge hiccoughing breaths, "You fucking bastard!" She roared, "How can you say that! How can you fucking say that to me!" She banged my chest. "You fucking kept at me and at me, I didn't want this...I didn't want this..."

I didn't even catch her hands to stop her. I just stood there, my arms by my sides. She was sobbing and out of breath. Eventually her little fists slowed right down and she fell onto her knees sobbing into her arms on the carpet.

I stood there looking at her crying for a moment, almost as though I was watching it on a screen. Then I started drifting back into myself, the numbness lifting and suddenly my whole fucking world crashed in on top of me.

This was_ Bella_. This was _Bella Swan_. The person I fucking dreamt of for over a year. The girl I loved, I wanted to take back to San Diego and live with forever. The women who made my body feel things I never knew it could. The face I needed to see every fucking day. The smell of her, the taste of her, the sounds of her... I could never live without them.

What the fuck was I doing?

I crouched down over Bella, "Fuck. I didn't fucking mean it, Jesus I didn't mean it" I whispered into her hair, as I tried to lift her but she was sobbing and shaking so I just sat on the floor and pulled her into my lap.

I pulled her head up to look at her face, her eyes were red and her face was stained with tears. What had I done?

"I'm sorry" I said kissing her mouth, her cheek, every bit of skin I could. "Jesus Bella I didn't fucking mean it. I love you. I fucking love you."

She nodded, snaking her arms around my neck and cried a little more as I rocked her against my shoulder. Then she pressed her mouth to mine, and I could taste the hot salty tears. I was a fucking asshole but I wasn't a fool. This was it for me, what I had right here in my arms. This was it.

The whole fucking world could go to hell. This was it. The most important thing in the world was in my arms, in this room, and I wasn't going to let anything or anyone get in my way again.

"Bella please look at me" I whispered, pushing her hair back from her face where the strands had mingled with the tears.

Her chocolate brown eyes met mine and my heart nearly exploded, "I'm an asshole, I love you. I fucking need you. I don't know why I said it. It was fucking bullshit."

I kissed her with restraint, I wanted to just love her again properly, physically, but I didn't want to make any move in that direction after what I had done. I couldn't believe I had fucked her like that. She never deserved that.

"About before..." I said, holding her face in both hands and wiping her tears with my thumb, "Bella...that was...I'm disgusted with myself."

She shuddered, "Its okay..." She dropped her eyes and pressed her face into my neck. I rocked her in my arms and waited until the heaving breaths had completely ceased before I lifted her to me and carried her to the bed. I lay her down and got in beside her, lifting her head into the crook of my arm and wrapping myself around her.

"You okay?" I asked.

She nodded against my arm, "Edward, you just can't say stuff like that to me...we can't be apart"

I closed my eyes, "I know. I'm sorry. I just... Bella we have to work this out." I reached over and pulled her around to face me. "Bella, this whole night...all the fucked up shit that happened tonight...it all had one common theme..."

She shifted to come face to face with me, and her face was so serene. She lifted her hand and pressed her palm to my mouth. "You mean Jacob." She said plainly.

I nodded, kissing her hand.

"I just don't know how to handle that yet though Edward." She said and I fought against the frustration that sentence brought. Was she fucking serious? Or trying to wind things up again? I mean the guy was not only a nuisance but was causing this serious rift between us. What was the fucking deal? He was like a monkey on our back. She needed to shake him off, I would have to get that into her head. Now, however, was not the time.

I dropped my head to her forehead, almost in resignation. I had to think this through before having another argument with Bella, before things got too messy. I needed to figure out whether I could hope that eventually, if I got Bella back to San Diego, that she would grow out of that friendship. Maybe he would eventually get the message that she was not available and get bored. I needed to think it through, find out how I felt about it.

So I didn't answer her. Instead I moved my mouth to hers, pressing my body into hers. I felt her little knees slide up and around my hips and I turned onto my back, so Bella was straddled across me. Through the thin material of my pants I could feel her hot little cavern, the head of my dick pressing into it through the cotton. I heard a hiss of excitement from through Bella's teeth and I ran my hands down to her ass, pushing her harder onto my dick, wishing the material would just fucking disappear.

Bella dropped her hand to the waistband of my pajamas and lifting herself a little, pulled them down finding my dick with her fingers. I lifted my head to look and saw her pull the cotton panties across, hooking them over my dick and guiding it into her with a deep moan. My head fell back. She was so hot inside, it was almost unbearable and so I gripped her skin, moving her up and down against me.

It was slow and it was wet. Bella arched her back and then took her top off, grabbing my hands and pressing them to her breasts. Her hands covered mine as she guided them around her body. She bit her bottom lip as she lifted her thighs up and down, the sensations were so defined it was hard to keep from cumming right then.

I grabbed the edge of Bella's panties with my fingers and ripped them a little. She smiled and so I just fucking ripped them clean off. When I did that she bucked slightly and I rolled her onto her back, grabbing her ankle over my shoulder and pushing into her as deeply as I could.

"I'm sorry about earlier" I said, grabbing her bottom lip and sucking it as I drew out again until the barest tip was still encased in her hot wet little body and then I pushed back in slowly and as deeply as I could.

"Fuck." She said as her head lolled back with the sensation, her lips parted and gasping little breaths following. Her eyes fluttered closed. I dropped my hand between us and found her clit with my thumb. Bella bucked slightly, with a throaty moan and so with my other hand I steadied myself against falling onto her completely. I traced the nub with the flesh of my thumb, watching her eyes bolt open and flutter shut again with the sensation.

"_Edward_" was all she said, quietly before her whole body heaved under me and spasms of an orgasm clutched around my dick. I lifted myself onto both hands, and pushed myself onto my knees, grabbing Bella around the waist and taking her up with me. I was so deep in her then, her ankle on my shoulder and the other around my waist.

"Fuck you're bendy today, did you know you can do the splits?" I said, smiling as I kissed her gently, shifting our position so she was opened to me even more. I growled gently, moving my mouth over the skin of her shoulder and kissing the bones underneath.

She nodded, "I suppose I did..." and giggled. She kissed my mouth hard and then looked at me with bright and shining eyes and in that moment I felt like a _man_. This was my woman, I was going to fucking make my life all about her and no cock sucking gorilla boy was going to get in my way. This was _my_ woman.

"You're fucking mine" I said, just before I came into her grabbing her around the waist and pushing her down as hard as I could. I buried my face in her neck, the sweat and perfume scent from her skin intoxicating me.

Bella stroked my shoulders and back with the palms of her hands as we sat there. I stayed still, enjoying the last throbbing sensations of her insides against me. I didn't want to pull out of her just yet, I wanted to stay there, in that little moment of absolute perfection, before the real world came smashing in around us again. I wished we could just stay there forever.


	30. Chapter 30

**_Guys I am so sorry! I never meant to leave it this long, lots was going on and I just couldn't find the head space to write. I really struggled and i'm sure its complete crap AND I hope the lemon isn't gratuitous at the beginning, it just happened!! LOL!! Anyway looking forward-ish to your reviews! BE HONEST!_**

* * *

Truly, truly, truly, oh...  
Don't talk to me, no  
About people who are "nice"  
'Cause I have spent my whole life in ruins,  
Because of people who are "nice"  
Oh, this world may lack Style, I know  
Each bud must blossom and grow, oh...

* * *

Bella

* * *

It had been one night but it felt like a week. I woke with Edwards arms around me exhausted and feeling like I'd survived a ship wreck.

I just couldn't think about all the things that had happened, it was too much. The fight, my parents, Jacob, Edward. Everything was flying around my head like flashes but I couldn't think of anything other than how happy I was here in his arms. The hot breaths from his mouth on the back of my neck, the soft little shudders in his sleep. I wanted to be with Edward forever, I wanted every morning to begin like this.

There was a timid knock at the door and then Jasper came through the gap covering his eyes with one hand and feeling his way along the wall with the other.

"You all decent?" He said loudly, rousing Edward and spurring him to shift in the bed, and then turn pulling the sheet with him and leaving me completely uncovered.

"No!" I exclaimed, "Don't look... hang on!" I grabbed the sheet, thumping Edward on the arm until he stirred again, turning his head to look at me with bleary eyes but giving me the opportunity to grab the sheet across myself again. "Decent." I stated.

Jasper took his hand down and grinned at me.

"Looks like everything is back to how it should be here then" He said.

I smiled sheepishly, "I suppose..."

Edward shifted in the bed, stiffening and stretching his limbs out. His eyes opened and he lifted his head, "Jasper get the fuck out." He said.

"I want to know what we are doing today" Jasper said plainly, smoothing out the comforter on the end of the bed carefully and sitting on it.

"What?" Edward half sat up, resting on his elbows, "What do you mean 'doing today'?"

"Doing. Today." Jasper said slowly, "Thats what i mean".

Edward lay his head back on the pillows, "Jasper I love you. You know it to be true, but I am giving you ten seconds to get the hell out of this room before I break your neck."

Jasper grimaced, mulled it over comically and then ran out of the room, shutting the door with a thump behind him.

"What are we doing today?" Edward growled into my hair, running his hand up the inside of my leg.

I twisted around to face him, "I have to go confront the parents" I told him and he groaned, throwing himself on his back with a sigh.

"Why?" He said, "Just leave them to it...I mean-" He said, wrapping his arms around my waist and shifting me so I could feel his hard on pressing against my stomach, "-why waste a perfectly good...hour?"

"It'll take longer than an hour Edward" I said, wrapping my fingers around his dick and shifting until he was pushing into me with a throaty moan.

"You can talk to them tomorrow" He said, sliding in and out of me with such a tender slowness my pelvis ached with sensation.

I moaned into his neck, "I...can't" I whispered, lifting my face so he could kiss my mouth, sliding his tongue against mine.

"Fuck Bella, don't fucking leave me today" He said into my mouth, pulling me around the waist until I was under him and thrusting into me. I lifted my hips to meet him, dragging my nails down his spine, kissing his neck.

"Come with me" I said, as Edward dropped his hand between us and found my clit with his thumb, "Edward, come with me."

He smashed his face to mine, grabbing me roughly by my ass and getting so deep into me I feared I would lose complete control. I opened my mouth wide on his, and everything got all sweaty and rough, he pulled the sheets off us completely and I flicked my eyes to the door.

"Its okay, they won't open it" Edward promised, smiling slightly as he splayed his hands across my chest. He ran his palms across my nipples and around my back, pulling me up into his arms as he turned onto his back.

"Come with me to my parents Edward." I said again, "I could do with the support"

He pulled my legs forward, pushing my knees apart as I straddled him, and brought me to climax expertly. "Okay" He growled as I clutched at his skin, whimpering with the throbs of ecstasy pulsing through my legs.

"I thought you meant cum, like cum with me" He said, his eyes glistening with humor as he gave me a break before rolling us together so I was on my back and he was balanced on his hands, thrusting into me again.

I giggled, snaking my arms up and around his neck, he seemed so far away like this but I loved watching him as he fucked me, the way he caught his lip under his teeth and the way he would smile and close his eyes as his orgasm built. Then he would fall forward into my arms as he came, the hot throb of his dick in my body echoing my own climax. I loved the wetness of his skin, the hot gasps against my neck, the rigid shudders of pleasure.

I just really fucking loved him.

****

We arranged to meet Jasper and Alice for dinner and headed over to my house to see my parents. I rang ahead, getting Charlie on the phone who told me Lo and Behold that my mother had dropped by for the weekend to see me. It made me feel sick to hear that fucking bullshit from his mouth. They had made such a fool of me.

We pulled up outside the house and Edward got out, walking around to my side and opening my door for me. He kissed the top of my head as I fixed my jacket and I leaned in to him. The butterflies in my stomach were close to painful. I was so anxious about this confrontation.

Renee opened the door as we walked up the driveway, with a beaming smile._ Liar._

I couldn't even look at her. I walked by her into the living room where my dad was standing looking a bit frazzled. _Shit had they heard the car in the middle of a clinch? Ugh._

"When did you get here?" I asked Renee, staring her in the eye.

"Oh, uh, just this morning." She said, and started fluffing up the cushions on the settee, "Now - who would like tea? and hello Edward by the way, how are you?"

Edward smiled, amused and said, "Great thanks, what flight did you come in on?"

My mother froze and turned to him with a smile, "Why?"

He shrugged, "Oh sorry, uh no reason. Just small talk..."

Renee's cheeks colored, "Of course, sorry Edward. It was the first flight in, obviously."

Edward nodded and looked at me.

I looked at Renee and then at Charlie.

"Now" Renee clapped her hands, "I'll get that tea."

I dropped my bag onto the couch and unwound Edward's scarf from my neck, handing it to him. He stuffed it into his pocket and then sat heavily onto the couch.

I stared at my father. He caught my stare and narrowed his eyes as if he was trying to work out what I was thinking. I shook my head at him slightly and his jaw tightened. He got it, he knew I knew.

Renee came back into the kitchen with a smile and a tray of tea.

"So Mom, how long have you been screwing Dad?" I said cheerfully and as she registered what I had said her hands started shaking and Edward jumped up, grabbing the tray from her and placing it on the table.

'What? Bella! How dare you...what do you mean?"

I shook my head and glared at both of them, "I came home last night" I said quietly and it seemed even the birds outside stopped their chatter to listen.

My mother paled and her hands flew to her chest but then she stuck her chin out, defiantly and said, with a cocked eyebrow, "I wasn't here last night so I don't know what you mean."

"Bullshit!" I said, shouting the last syllable. "Don't lie to me!"

Renee looked at Charlie and he looked at her and then they both looked at me.

"What about Phil?" I shouted, "Dad...You are the other guy now? How could you?"

He looked away, down at his feet.

"Its not really any of your business Bella" He said quietly.

"It is my business" I said, "When my parents have been lying to me, making a fool of me for my whole life!"

My mother started wagging her finger, "Now you just wait a minute" She said in a controlled voice but I could hear a temper building behind it, "I am not going to be accountable to my own daughter. You have no right-"

I cut in, "-No right? Are you mad? I have been living a lie, thinking that there was tension where there wasn't, feeling bad for you...and You!" I turned to Charlie, "I thought the way you got all weird when mom was here was because you found it hard to be around her, I thought...I felt sorry for you! Poor love sick Charlie! Where as the fucking reality is you've been shtupping her this whole time"

"Bella Swan you cut that out!" Charlie said firmly, "There is no need to degrade anyone"

"Degrade? Degrade?" I was losing my cool and I felt Edward take my hand and rub circles on the back of it with his thumb, "I'm the only one who is being degraded. Every single person in this fucking town knows you two are fucking - Except me? The product of it!"

Edward burst out laughing when I shouted that, and then shut his mouth, stretching his face to control the smile that was forcing itself across his cheeks, "Sorry..." He mumbled, "It just sounded funny."

My mother banged on the table. Then she stood up and walked out of the kitchen, I could see big tears in her eyes as she stormed past.

Charlie leaned back in his chair, "Bella, I understand you might be angry" He said, splaying his fingers across the wood of the table and looking at them for a while before he looked back up at me, "I can see how you might feel betrayed, but as I'm sure you know-" He looked at Edward and back to me, "-things are complicated and for your information have not been going on for years. Its a recent development between your mother and I"

I grimaced, "Ugh Dad" I said, "This is just revolting."

"Bella do you mind?" Charlie said, pressing one finger tip onto the table and staring at it, "Renee! Can you come back here?" He called to the kitchen.

My mother returned to the table. Her cheeks looked so hot and her eyes were red. She didn't sit down, "I'm sorry Charlie but I'm not going to be interrogated by my daughter!" She said angrily. My father pulled out her chair and clicked his fingers sharply. Renee sat down with a bump.

"Now Edward" Charlie said, "Would you mind if we spoke privately with Bella?"

"No sir" Edward hopped up, banging his knees off the table and knocking his chair over. He squeezed my shoulder as he left giving me a wry smile as he shut the front door behind him.

I scrubbed my face with my palms, pulling my hair back tightly but then letting it fall into my face. I stretched my arms out before me on the table. This was fucking bullshit. How the fuck was I supposed to take this in? Who the fuck did Renee think she was to suddenly be all 'my daughter'?

"First of all," I said without properly thinking it through, "You can drop the fucking 'daughter' bullshit, you can't suddenly demand to be some matriarch in my life when its not working out for you!"

"Don't you dare!" Renee's voice was shaky.

"Don't I dare what?" I asked, pressing my lips into a firm line.

"Speak to me like that."

I dropped my head forward onto my arms and screamed. When I looked up again my father was standing and my mother was crying.

"I just want to know what the fuck is going on?" I demanded.

"Don't curse..." Renee said quietly.

"Oh my GOD!" I shouted, kicking back my chair and standing up too, "Enough with the bullshit! What the fuck is fucking going fucking on?! Are you fucking?"

They both glared at me but I didn't give a shit, "Are. You. FUCKING?" I screamed.

My father's face suddenly darkened and he narrowed his eyes, "Now you sit down." He said to me and I did, Charlie was not to be messed with in certain situations. He sat down again too, "You speak to me or Renee, or about me and Renee, like that again and you will find yourself grounded."

"Dad I'm 19"

"Well, act 19 then." He said firmly, "Now you've asked for information and I am sure there is no problem letting a little light into the room for you, so to speak."

I sat back. Charlie sat forward, "Its a delicate situation because your mother, Renee, hasn't decided exactly what she wants yet."

Renee blew her nose sharply into a tissue and looked at Charlie, "Thats not fair, you know I feel bad about this."

"Hang on hang on" I rapped on the table, "What is going on? Just the facts? Are you..." I sighed, "are you sleeping together or not?"

"We are." My mother spoke for the first time. Then she covered her face and burst out crying.

Charlie sat there with his eyes fixed on the table and I felt so fucked up.

"What does it mean?" I said, scratching at my arms, pulling my sleeves over my hands and tucking the cuffs in to my fists.

"At the moment Bella it doesn't mean anything" Charlie said, "Your mother knows what I want, we are just waiting to see what she wants."

"It's not that easy" Renee blurted out through her tissues, "I can't just _leave_ Phil."

"Why not?" I said, "You _just_ left Dad."

My mother's mouth dropped into a little o, and she took the tissues away from her eyes, "Bella. How can you say that..."

"Because its true Mom" I said, "You had no qualms about leaving Dad, even though you had me. You have no ties to Phil, if you want to leave just leave."

"I don't _want_...oh you couldn't understand" She pushed the tissues back to her eyes again.

"No you are right. I couldn't. I could never understand why someone would play off the feelings of two men who love her. Especially nice men like Phil and Charlie."

When I said that my father stood up and left the room. My mother started whimpering into her tissues and I just couldn't look at her so I got up and left the house.

Edward was leaning on his car outside and I walked quickly to him, "Get me out of here. Its completely fucked up" I said pulling the passenger door open and sliding into the seat. Pulling the seatbelt across me felt soothing and Edward starting the engine and pulling away was bliss.

"You okay?" He asked grabbing my hand in his, "That was pretty fucked up huh?"

I nodded and slumped down in the seat, kicking my feet up onto the dashboard and pulled my hood up, "They are such assholes. My mom is a fucking asshole." I said.

"Don't be too hard on them Bella" Edward said, pulling my hood back down, "They are only people, you know, like me and you. They'll make mistakes."

I knew he was right but I was so mad. So when we pulled up at the motel beside a bus load of tourists who were all standing chatting and swarming around I decided to put that anger to another use. I wanted to escape the pressure, and I knew where to escape to. As Edward unbuckled his seat belt and popped the door I leaned over and ran two fingers along the seam of his jeans. He looked back at me with a smile and closed the door again.

"Come here you weirdo" He grabbed me close and held me. He squeezed me tight in his arms, kissing the top of my head.

"I want to fuck you Edward" I whispered into his chest.

"No you don't." He whispered back, and I lifted my face feeling the tears fall onto my cheeks as I did. He kissed them away, then he kissed my mouth.

Then he held me for the longest time, as I cried and cried.

* * *

**_Song Disappointed by Morrissey._**


	31. Chapter 31

**Hi there, I know there has been a massive gap in this fanfic, and I do apologise. I had to suffer something I never imagined in my life and that is still here but so is this story and from the hundreds of emails I've been getting so are the readers! I need something to keep me busy and so I am going to finish it. Here is the next installment, a short chapter but just enough to get me back into it I think...! Thanks for all your concern and lovely emails, it was really amazing to hear from so many of you.**

_Edward_

I wished I could just fucking drive and get Bella the fuck away from Forks. This was where all of our complications lay. It could be so easy. If it was just us two. Instead I held her as we sat in my car, as she cried into my shoulder for nearly an hour. My back ached, the position I was in unnatural, and my arm muscles were screaming by the time she pulled away and sat back in her own chair. I eyed her cautiously, not wanting to push her. She was so fucking beautiful. All the black shit she wore around her eyes was gone from the crying and her eyes looked huge as she looked back at me. Her skin was almost translucent. I reached out and touched her cheek, still damp and ran my thumb across the silky skin. My hand found purchase on the back of her neck and I pulled her face to mine for a long chaste kiss.

"It'll all be fine you know" I said, furrowing my brow as earnestly as I could, "Lets just go get some food, I'd say Jasper is fucking ravenous by now-" I checked my watch, it was 5, "-he hasn't eaten since breakfast I don't think."

Her eyebrows lifted just a touch and she smiled, "He is so funny" She said.

"He saves my life ten times a day" I replied, the guy was my rock. It was the best decision I ever made to go find him in San Diego. He had shown me another path to the one I was on, one where what I wanted, what I needed, was the right path. I needed Bella, I wanted Bella. That was my path. Nothing would fucking get in the way of that.

I threaded my fingers through Bella's as we walked up to the hotel, she had to run beside me to keep up but the minute I had stepped out of the car my fucking stomach had almost caved in with hunger.

When Alice saw me through the window her eyes got wide and a playful smile flickered across her face. She tipped her head toward Jasper who was sitting with his head in his hands, rocking back and forth.

"What's wrong with him?" I said loudly as we came into the lobby. Jasper, on hearing my voice, lifted his head and a wide grin exploded over his face. He stood and then ran at me jumping into my arms, forcing me to drop Bella's hand and catch him.

He buried his face in my neck and wrapped his arms around my neck.

Alice was beside herself with mirth, swaying with laughter as she sat on the couch. Bella looked so amused too, her eyes switching from mine to Alice's and back. A big smile on her face. Fucking Jasper, making Bella smile like that? I didn't think I could love him more than I had, but I fucking did then.

"Where were you?" He wailed, lifting his head from my neck for a moment before burying it again with a pretend sob, "I nearly died" came his muffled voice.

I tried to put him down but he held on and it took Alice coming over and tickling him under the arms to set me free. Jasper turned as soon as he was standing and swung Alice up into his arms, kissing her mouth and staring deep into her eyes as he twirled around. He set her down, standing back and looking at her before clapping his hands and turning to me.

"I'm fucking starving you asshole" He said comically pointing to his wrist.

I slapped him on the shoulder, "Lets get you some food!" I said turning to Bella who was nodding in agreement, "Diner?"

"Sure, if no-one has a better idea" Bella said, looking at Alice who raised her hands in surrender and said, "I'm not the hungry one!"

Everyone looked at Jasper who had the lobby door open and was making air traffic gestures with his hands.

"If it has food its perfect" He said.

We'd barely parked when Jasper was out of the car, dragging Alice with him and bounding into the diner. I stopped Bella before we went in, fixing her jacket and pushing her hair back from her face, "You all right?" I said and she leaned up to kiss me, that wet little cold mouth on mine making my blood race.

"I'm fine Edward" She said, "Its all just bullshit anyway."

She pulled me along into the diner and we sat up into a booth where Alice was already, we could see Jasper making an order with the waitress and it seemed very in depth.

"He wants an egg on his burger" Alice said as we sat down, "They don't do that here but he wants it"

"He'll get it" I said, laughing to myself. Jasper always fucking got what he wanted, and yet everyone seemed to love him more for it.

Jasper came back and sat down with a sigh.

"No egg?" Bella asked him, handing me a menu and stretching across to Alice to hand her one too.

Jasper nodded, "No they'll do it" He said, "But not over easy..." He shrugged.

I nudged Bella with my elbow and whispered into her hair, "Are you not gonna eat?"

"I am" she replied, squeezing my leg and then running her hand up to my thigh. Shit. I forgot about this, the being in public with Bella. It fucking turned me on. There was something about the presence of people that made her so elusive or some shit like that. It was like the smell of her hair, her neck made me lose my control. It took all my strength and concentration not to grab her and take a fucking bite. She was fucking edible. She took her hand off my leg to push her long hair back over her shoulders before yawning slightly and resting her chin on her hand. God I could have fucked her right there.

She looked up at me then, her eyes so dark, and said, "You okay?"

I snapped back to earth, "Yeh...why?"

"Jasper has been talking at you for five minutes and you haven't heard one word"

I looked at Jasper who was looking at me with a half grin of amusement on his face. His hand was frozen mid gesture.

"Sorry dude" I said, sitting up straight and taking my jacket off, draping it over the back of the seat.

"I was asking did Marcus get through to you" Jasper said, miming a phone call with his hand.

I shook my head, "Marcus from The Volturi?"

"Who are the Volturi?" Alice asked as Jasper nodded to me.

"They're a goth band" Jasper said, leaning back in his seat and stretching his arms behind his head. "Where the fuck is my food!" He said banging a fist gently on the table.

As if prompted the waitress suddenly sashayed across the diner carrying a burger on a plate and plonked it down in front of my friend whose face burst into ecstasy, "Thank you so much-" He leaned to read her name tag, "-Connie"

She smiled, "Your welcome honey! Now can I get your friends something?"

Bella looked at me and I realised I hadn't even decided, "You go ahead" I said to her and she ordered a salad with garlic bread, Alice ordered fries and chicken.

"I'll have what he's having" I said pointing at Jaspers who was half way through his burger already.

The waitress smiled, wrote it all down and left us alone again.

"The Volturi?" Bella turned to me again with her eyebrows raised in the cutest expression of interest I had ever seen.

"Ack...its no big thing" I said, pushing my hair back, "They are this crazy band, goth stuff, they have characters you know, like Ozzy Osbourne or Alice Cooper, all dark and weird and eccentric. They're really just a bunch of nerds. The music is good though, really good."

Jasper coughed and wiped his mouth, then pointed at me, "They are always asking Edward to do shit for them on their tracks, they aren't classically trained so they struggle with aspects of writing."

"Oh" Bella said plainly she turned to me, "Thats pretty cool."

I grimaced, "Not really. There is nothing glamourous about 48 hours in a hole of a studio with guys who never drop their act for a minute..."

She giggled and prodded my hand, "Well I hope you get well paid."

I smiled, "Eventually. I hope"

Jasper prodded my hand, "He wants you to sort out some fucking mad track"

"I'll talk to him later" I replied, narrowing my eyes for a second to show Jasper I didn't want to discuss that here.

He didn't get it, "You told him you'd be back to San Diego by the 11th, they've to have things ready by the 15th, he's getting a bit panicked"

I just stared at him. Then I shut my eyes for a minute and when I opened them Bella was looking at me with the softest expression I had ever seen and it cut through me like a knife.

"You'd go away? You've to go away?" She said.

I didn't answer, the waitress arrived with our food and the distraction was enough for me to make a face at jasper and kick him hard under the table.

"I never said I'd do it" I said to Jasper as he scrunched his face up with the pain in his shin, "I told the fucker I might be back by the 11th and I might be able to help him."

"Well, you better ring him dude."

I bit into my burger, tearing a chunk from it and chewing. Bella's eyes were still fixed on me and I knew I would have to say something.

"I didn't say I'd do it" I told her.

Her expression didn't change, no relief flooded her face. She just said, "But are you going to do it? Are you leaving?"

****


	32. Chapter 32

**Hi. I wrote this chapter yesterday, and I've tried to rewrite it because it just felt different but I couldn't figure out why. Maybe its because I'm out of practice and so I'm not totally in these guys heads again... Anyway reviews would be great, just to maybe help me figure out whats missing...!! Thanks guys!**

* * *

_Love is our resistance_

_They'll keep us apart but they won't stop breaking us down_

_Hold me_

_Our lips must always be sealed_

_The night has reached its end_

_We can't pretend_

_We must run_

_We must run_

_Its time to run_

_Take us away from here_

_Protect us from further harm_

_Resistance..._

_

* * *

  
_

_**Edward**_

_**

* * *

  
**_

I glared at Jasper and he looked as sheepish as he could.

"I haven't thought about it" I said, turning my eyes to meet Bella's. Her bottom lip had dropped and her cheeks were tinged with blush.

She didn't say anything. She just fucking stared at me, flicking her gaze from one eye to the other. I looked away and moved my fries around the plate with my finger.

Fucking Jasper. Jesus, was there not a day that Bella and I didn't hit a glitch? I wanted to up end the fucking table. I didn't think I could fucking take another glitch. Please let this dissolve. Please.

There was a moment of awkward silence before Jasper went to speak. He hadn't one word fully out of his mouth before I heard Bella's voice again, harder and clearer.

"Are you fucking leaving?" She said, her eyes glittering.

I turned to her, "Bella I was gonna talk to you..."

She shoved her food away from her, and stood up out of the booth. She stared at me and then turned and walked away, pushing the door hard and marching out into the street.

"Fuck." I said under my breath, following her out. Catching her by the arm I swung her round to face me, "I'm not going-" I made air quotes with my fingers, "-'back to San Diego' like that. I had forgotten about it with all of -" I put my hand on my chest, "-this. For all I knew coming back here, I didn't even fucking know if you'd still _be_ here, I didn't know how long..." I trailed off not wanting to say '_...it would take me to bring you back with me'._

Not yet.

She scrubbed her face with her hands, exhaling loudly into them finishing in a quiet scream.

"I'm sorry okay." She said, "Today has been..."

"Nuts, I know" I said, pulling her by the neck into my chest and kissing her hair. She snaked her skinny little arms around my waist and I could feel her heartbeat, or mine, between us. She lifted her face and I pressed my mouth onto her cold little lips, resting my face on hers. She pressed her lips harder into mine and for a brief moment opened her mouth onto mine, her warm breath feeding my soul.

"This is not difficult Bella" I said, not pulling away, "This is so fucking simple, its you and me. You and me. That is all we need to decide, everything else will be simple after that."

She dropped her head against my chest, "It all just _seems_ so difficult" She said, hunching her shoulders and tightening her grip around my waist, "I don't know when I became so unsure of everything...of myself...its like I don't _trust_ myself, and when something comes up...like what just happened, I over react I suppose, but it feels like I need to put the wall back up."

"But Bella...love...you don't need to trust yourself, just trust _me_. Just trust _me_." I bent my knees so we were face to face and put my hands on her shoulders, I shook her gently before sweeping her up into my arms and kissing her mouth, "Just fucking trust me. Please."

She didn't reply and I knew she was thinking about it. I just needed to make this fucking shit happen for us. I needed to get us on the same path. Together.

I threw some money in the open window of the diner to Jasper and me and Bella hit the road for a while. We drove out past Forks into the National park, windows down, music on. I fucking loved this, it was soothing. She always kicked her shoes off and planted her snow white feet on the dash. She would stare at me, making me smile and eventually making me pull over into some secluded spot so I could kiss that mouth and stare into those dark eyes. Fuck I was so deep in love with the girl, it was established in my soul.

However the thought that I would have to go back to San Diego at some fucking point was tapping on my shoulder. My world there was perfect, except for one thing, this woman. If I had her with me there, everything would be fine. All the dark nights would be brighter. I needed her, she fucking knew that but with every little glitch, and with the bullshit in her life that she took so seriously, I had to play the game. I had to tread cautiously and carefully. I could not lose. Not this time, and I would stay and tiptoe around the actual question I was dying to ask since I got here. Would she come? I needed to bide my time. I could only trust in fate that nothing would come between us between now and leaving _with_ her. I had to believe that when I left, it would be with Bella. I _had_ to.

As we drove, the trees got taller and darker and a twinkling dusk settled over the horizon. I hated turning around but I knew Bella should at least check in with her dad before staying with me again. On the bad side of Chief Swan was still somewhere I didn't want to be.

"We better head back" I said pulling across the road, "I'll drop you home..."

"Why?" She snapped her head over and sat up a bit.

"No, just to check in on your dad, I want you with me tonight."

She chewed on her thumb and stared out the window.

"Bella?" I said, flicking my eyes off the road to try and read her face.

"No I'm okay" She said looking back at me, "I was just thinking about if you go back to San Diego..."

I took a deep breath, "I hadn't thought about it until Jasper brought it up, but-" I gripped the wheel, "-I suppose I should consider _thinking_ about it now" I stared straight ahead, fuck. Was this the time? Should I just say it? Maybe letting her know what I wanted would be a good first step.

She stayed silent.

"Bella, I want you to come with me." I exhaled and looked across at her. Her expression didn't flinch, not one millimeter.

"I know you do." She said simply and went back to chewing her thumb.

What the fuck did that mean? I stayed silent for a minute but then it all just burst out of me.

"Bella, fuck." I said, "When I was in San Diego, all that time, every fucking goddamn day, it was all about you. I woke every morning and ran the shit out of myself just so my brain could get through the day without imploding at the thoughts of never having you in my life again," I gulped some air and continued, "You don't fucking understand, I want _you_ with me, there in San Diego, in my apartment, making a life. I _want_ you. I just know if it was the two of us, with no fucking distractions, no fucking bullshit, no..." I trailed off.

"No Jacob Black?" It sounded like a question so I took it as one.

"Not just him, not him alone." I replied, feeling my stomach turn at the possibility that this fucking conversation could turn into a fight, "everything. Forks is not for us. We don't thrive here. I can't be the man I want to be here with you."

"You can't think like that Edward." She said, her voice becoming sharp, "Jesus if we can't make it in our home town, we cant run away, its naive."

"Its not naive" I said, my foot automatically pressing on the accelerator with the tension from my body. "I have shit happening for me in San Diego, you need to go to college. Why are you going to fight with me on this? It makes sense."

"Oh what? Now you're gonna drive like a madman?"

I slowed down, "Sorry." I pulled over into the hard shoulder and turned to her, "Please Bella, think about it. San Diego. Its warm, there is sunshine for fucks sake, it feeds you. You should know that, you're from Arizona. Its just for _us_. Please."

A smile crossed her lips, "I do hate the cold."

I whooped, "You'll come?" I grabbed her hand and kissed it, "You'll come with me?"

She shook her head and winked, "I'll think about it..."

I was happy with that, the next few days would be crucial. I would make it my business to prove to her that being together away from this shit hole was the only way, All my work, all my days and nights of anguish over the last year were not for nothing.

We got back to Forks as the sun disappeared behind the forests and I dropped Bella to her fathers house. I kissed her for so long before letting her go and as she strolled up her path I noticed a slight spring in her step.

"Hey!" I called through the open window and she turned around, "San Diego baby!" I said with a grin.

She smiled broadly and a chuckle escaped her lips. She waved and went into the house.

Driving back to the motel I felt like the fucking king of the world. She was going to come with me, I just fucking knew it.

I was so sure, little did I know then that I would be driving back to San Diego in a few days from then.

Alone.

* * *

**Song is Resistance - Muse**


	33. Chapter 33

_When you're not strong_

_And I'll be your friend_

_I'll help you carry on_

_For it won't be long_

_'Til I'm gonna need_

_Somebody to lean on_

_If there is a load you have to bear_

_That you can't carry_

_I'm right up the road_

_I'll share your load_

_If you just call me_

_

* * *

  
_

_Bella_

_

* * *

  
_

The house was cold. I switched the heating on and leaned on the radiator, waiting impatiently for the first hum of heat to press into my hands and the tops of my tightening thighs. Images of Edward and me alone in a San Diego apartment, open windows, sunshine, heat, raced through my brain. For the first fucking time in months I felt like fudding myself. The thoughts of moving away with Edward got me so hot. I shook my head and bit down onto my lip. I didn't like it much anymore, fudding, it felt weird and false. Edward's hands on my body was real. Edward's mouth...

I closed my eyes and swung my head sideways stretching my neck, feeling ghostly lips on my skin. My arms tensed up and I pushed my palms harder onto the radiator, inhaling through my nose and imagining doing it with Edward against a white washed wall as curtains billowed into a warm room. Jesus that man... That man. He just threw me into a sexual frenzy at a moments thought, even from a distance. God our love had never felt this good, this free. The world was my oyster. Our oyster.

My phone buzzed in my coat pocket which was draped across the couch in front of me and for a minute I thought I'd leave it ring. My body was shaking with serious fucking arousal and talking to my mom or Ange, or whoever, felt like a bit of a downer. The thought that it might be Edward made me feel out of control and I couldn't talk to him, not when I was this breathless. He'd know right away and then he'd drive back here to fuck me and I needed to work stuff out today. I needed to get my head on right and not make any promises that were based on emotions, I wanted to go to San Diego, I knew that. I just needed to work it out and be sure that I wanted to leave Forks for me and not for reasons that would make it fail. If we moved away it had to be for all the positives and not the negatives. Not to escape anything but because we wanted to live together and San Diego was the best place to do that.

It stopped ringing and then immediately started again. Cursing under my breath I reached across, lifting my coat and shaking it until the phone dropped onto the carpet. I picked it up. Jacob.

Irritation or frustration or both flooded through me but I answered it.

"Yeah?" I said into the receiver.

"Nice!" He said, "Cullens manners rubbing off on you?"

"Sorry!" I said, leaning back on the radiator, "Hi Jake"

"Hi" He said back and I caught a quake in his voice that I knew to mean he was upset.

"You okay?" I asked, "You sound..."

There was a pause, then "Its nothing"

I paused too. "What's nothing?" I frowned, "What's up? How come you are calling?"

"Just calling to hear your voice really" He said and I felt my heart tighten. Don't fucking do this Jacob. Don't please.

"What's wrong?" I dreaded the answer. Jacob professing love for me now would fuck everything up. I wanted to go to San Diego. I wanted to just go. But I didn't want to run away, and if Jacob gave me reason to run away then that would ruin everything. I wanted to leave Forks because I wanted to _be_ with Edward, not because I wanted to get away from anything, not because Edward and I weren't safe here. I wanted it to be straightforward and not a reaction to something here in Forks.

"Um..." He started and I could hear a nervous chuckle from his chest, I imagined him shifting from foot to foot. Then I heard a thud and a faraway "Oh shit sorry" and then his voice clear again, "Sorry I dropped the phone, you still there?"

"I'm here." I said, "But Jake what's up? I don't want to hear any B.S. If you're going that way."

"What?"

"Like don't start any crap please... About me and Edward or anything..." The thoughts of Jacob giving me shit now about Edward made me so angry. I shouldn't constantly have to defend my choices. "I'm _with_ him, and I can't take anymore shit from you about it."

"Leah is pregnant" He said sharply.

I've never been so shocked, my chest spiked with electricity and my stomach flipped. I couldn't speak. Words wouldn't come into my head.

"Bella?" Jacob practically shouted down the phone, "You there?"

"Get your ass over here now!" I shouted and hung up.

* * *

I stood at the window and as Jacob pulled up outside I ran to the door and pulled it open, storming down the drive and pushing him back with all my force as he came toward me.

His face was white, his jaw pulsing with anger or terror, I couldn't figure which but I didn't care I was so fucking angry.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He shouted, grabbing my hands and stopping me from pushing him again.

"What the fuck is my problem? What the fuck is yours?" I was furious with him, absolutely furious. "What the fuck were you thinking Jake? Huh? What the fuck lame ass sorry excuse do you have for fucking that beautiful girls life up? She...She has her whole fucking life ahead of her, and now what? Huh? Now what? She is tied to a fucking baby? You fucking asshole!"

"What lame excuse do I have?" His eyebrows raised and his mouth dropped, "What fucking? _IT_ takes fucking two to tango firstly, Bella Swan, so bin your fucking judgement please."

"_Judgement_?" I shouted, wishing he would let go of my hands so I could punch him. I couldn't fucking believe he had gone and ruined his life, and Leah's. My fucking mother was prime example of what happened to people who had kids too young. They spent their whole lives trying to regain the excitement they thought they missed. They lived like Peter Pan. Or they lived like my father, trapped in the past unable to move on. "Jacob I thought you were better than this, I never thought you'd be so fucking stupid as to get..."

"Get what? Trapped?" His eyes blazed, "Fuck you Bella... How fucking dare you? I thought I was coming here to talk to a friend but I find this..._anti feminist idiot_ who hasn't a fucking clue what she is talking about."

He pushed against my wrists and I took a couple steps back as he released them. He looked at me hard, shook his head and turned and walked away. Just before he got into his car and sped away he turned back and said quietly, "Its not mine."

He was gone before that sank in. Its not his. My head swam. What the fuck mess was Jake in? I ran back into the house, grabbed my keys and headed for La Push.

* * *

Jacob opened the door, his bottom lip caught between his teeth and he just walked away leaving me standing on the porch. I braced myself.

I followed him to the kitchen, where he leaned against the open french door frames and stared at me.

"What did you mean back there?" I said, shrugging my jacket off and draped it over the bench.

He quirked an eyebrow and gave me that _don't be a dick_ face that I knew so well.

"Its not yours?" I shook my head and looked at the floor, "Well whose the father? Who is it?"

Jacob just stared at me and stared at me, a deep sinking feeling welled in my stomach, my skin tightened with fear and I swear to fucking God I thought I might actually explode. This couldn't be fucking happening. Leah couldn't be blaming Edward surely, my world flipped and I thought I might puke.

Jacob smirked at me.

"Ugh! What the fuck Jake?" I yelled suddenly, "She better not be trying to pin this on..."

"Edward?" Jacob fucking burst out laughing, "Jesus Bella, the whole fucking world really does not revolve around that anus"

Relief. It wrapped around me like a warm blanket and my legs buckled forcing me to sit back onto the bench. I almost put my head between my legs, for a whole fucking minute I had thought Jacob was gonna tell me Edward had...that Leah was...Ugh even the thought made me sick.

"You really take the biscuit you know" Jacob said, leaning across and switching the electric kettle on. He turned his back and busied himself making two cups of coffee.

I sat silently until he handed me a steaming cup and then I spoke, "I'm sorry" I said as softly as I could, wishing he'd look me in the eye, "Who? Whose is it?"

Jacob inhaled, his massive chest expanding and then he took a sip of his coffee while looking me in the eye with such a strong expression of resignation I almost cried.

"She just said its not mine" He said, "I don't know... Leah is so fucked up, she looks for love so easily. Its like its not even about the person, you know? She just wants _someone_ so when _anyone_ is there _thats_ who she loves. I suppose she met a couple guys before me... Who fucking knows? I am so screwed up over it. I mean what am I supposed to do?"

I shook my head and grabbed at his hand, missing it but then he held it out to me and I took it, squeezing it tightly.

"How far along is she?" I asked cautiously, "Could she? Is it too late to...you know...end it?"

"Its not something she wants to consider" He said gruffly, "She went insane when I brought that up..."

"Did you break up?" I said, "I mean how are you to....?"

Jacob squeezed my hand back and then let it go. He stared at the floor, his cheeks reddening and I saw a glaze of hot tears cover his dark eyes. I placed my cup on the table and stood up, wrapping my arms as best I could around his huge frame and hugging him tightly. "It'll be fine" I whispered.

He shrugged me away gently, "I know, Jesus I know. I'll get over it, I got over you didn't I?" He kicked me playfully in the leg.

I smiled, blushing, "If you wanted to...you know...support her, I mean, if thats what your heart was telling you to do..."

He shook his head, "Jesus I wouldn't even be ready for my own kid, let alone...I just feel so fucked up and sorry for her and everything"

"You could be a friend to her?" I suggested, seeing Jacob hurt and it not being through my actions was a strange relief. I had always wanted to be the friend to jacob that he had been to me and now I had a chance. Someone else was hurting him and I could help him. It felt so positive, in our whole history it had always been one sided, he had been my friend so much more than I had been his.

He nodded firmly, "Yeah I know. It just all feels so fucked up. She is not ready, and I thought it was good... You know me and her? It was good."

The hot glaze in his eyes turned into heavy tears and he fought them back with a snarl, turning away from me and scrubbing his face with his hands.

"Hey Jake" I said, pulling at his arm to turn him back, "This is big shit, you know, this isn't nothing. You should be upset and fucked up. You're only fucking human you know?"

He nodded and let the tears fall and I held my arms out to hold him.

He leaned in for a hug and it felt so familiar to have his arms around me like this, my friend Jacob. I had missed him.


	34. Chapter 34

**A short chapter folks! The next one is a long one and it needs to be one chapter so I had to end this where I did... remember to review and thanks for sticking with me!!**

**Love MLWExxx**

* * *

_A window_

_An opened tomb_

_The sun crawls_

_Across your bedroom_

_A halo_

_A waiting room_

_Your last breaths_

_Moving through you_

_As everything, everything ends_

_As everything, everything ends_

_As everything, everything, everything_

_Everything, everything, everything ends_

_

* * *

  
_

_Bella_

* * *

My phone buzzed as I let myself back into the house and I opened the text from Edward.

**Let me know when**

**You want me to get you**

My stomach flipped with the instant lust for what the evening would bring. I would tell him all about Jacob's predicament, let him in. I knew Jacob needed me, I felt so guilty about abandoning him with this massive crisis in his life. Sure he and Leah hadn't been together that long, but they were good together and now there was this big problem. I knew Jake, I knew him better than anyone and I knew there was a strong possibility that he would be there for Leah. He was a good guy, the best. I hoped he would understand why I had to go with Edward, I really thought he would even though somewhere in me I felt like I was being selfish. I felt that if roles were reversed Jacob would stay but I couldn't work out whether that was the same, Jacob's motives when it came to me would always be blurred I knew that.

I could support Jake from afar, call him everyday, even have him come stay with us. Edward wouldn't mind once I made the commitment to him by going to another city with him, I knew that. I couldn't wait to get back to Edward. We would make love and love and love. We would talk about San Diego and what we would do there. Jesus I had to go. It meant so much to Edward and I knew it would be good. Who knew whether _forever_ was meant for us but I had to give it a shot. I just had to be with this man.

I was just about to send him a message back when I registered Charlie standing at the back door, the phone in his hand dropped to his side. His shoulders were slumped. A cold white fear spread through my chest.

"Dad?" I said, dropping my cell onto the table. He didn't turn around. Then he wiped his face with his sleeve. What the fuck? Was Charlie crying?

"Hey Dad!" I said noting my voice taking on a stern tone unintentionally, "Hey Dad, what's wrong?"

He still didn't turn, he coughed and said, "Nothing Bells, hows your day?"

I pushed past him and looked into his face, his eyes were red and bloodshot and his chin was rigid.

"Dad, what the fuck? What's wrong? Fuck what is it?" I asked in a panic, grabbing his hand and looking at the phone.

He shook his head, "Nothing, nothing to worry about, I'm just having a moment I suppose..." He said attempting a grin.

"Dad! Its not... What the fuck is wrong?" I demanded, "Fucking tell me!"

"Stop with the language" He said, resuming his fatherly face that I was used to, "nothing is wrong."

I paused and looked around, "Where is mom?" I asked.

Charlies bit the corner of his mouth and looked away, "She's gone back to Jacksonville."

I frowned, what the fuck was going on here?

"Did you have a fight?" I asked, "Dad please tell me why you are so upset, Jesus Dad I have never seen you fucking cry so something big must be up with you, please"

He looked at me and I could see his chin quiver but he coughed it back and said, "Yeah we had a fight of sorts," He sighed, "Your mom and I are done, you'll be glad to hear. I asked her to choose and...well Bells, she did. And it wasn't me...again, it wasn't me."

My heart sank, "Dad...I'm not glad..."

"Well, she is gone and won't be back to this house for sure. I have spent my whole damn life making a fool of myself for that woman and it needs to stop. So it is stopped."

"Its over?" I felt a lump in my throat, oh poor Charlie, my mother was such a fucking cunt. He was such a lovely kind man and she was breaking his heart all over again. My fucking mother. I couldn't stand it, I loved her dearly but she was so selfish. Everything she did was for herself. She had left Charlie and taken me away from being near him, and now she was doing it again in a way. Why now? Why did she always have to screw everything up for me? Always, always about her.

He nodded and shrugged, "Oh well, I gave her the choice... I can only blame myself."

I squeezed my arms around my fathers waist and hugged him as tightly as I could.

"You've still got me Dad" I said, hearing the words too late and selfishly wishing I could fucking change them. I couldn't, I'd said it.

He hugged me back, kissing me on the top of my head, "I've got you kiddo, and thank God for that."

My whole fucking world crashed at that minute, my plans, my future swung full circle. I would stay here. In Forks, with Charlie and Jacob. They needed me and I couldn't abandon them for some selfish reason. A boyfriend? I couldn't dump my family and my best friend for a boyfriend. That wasn't who I was, that wasn't who I wanted to be.

Edward and I just weren't to be. My heart broke for what seemed like the millionth time in my short life and I wasn't sure if it would ever go back together.

***

* * *

_So tell me you hear my heart stop_

_You're the only one that knows_

_Tell me when you hear my silence_

_There a possibility I wouldn't know_

_Know that when you leave_

_Know that when you leave_

_By blood and by me,you walk like a thief_

_By blood and by me and I'll fall when you leave_

_

* * *

  
_

_Edward_

_

* * *

  
_

**I need to stay home **

**Tonight with charlie. **

I stared at that fucking message for a long time. My stomach felt the twists of unease as I read it over and over. I tried calling Bella but no answer. I drove by her house and saw her through the window sitting with her dad on the couch, the lights from the TV lighting up her face in blue and green flashes.

Insecurity racked my bones. Fuck. Fuck. I sat quietly through dinner with Jasper and Alice, both of whom exchanged glances in my direction. Then he dropped Alice home and returned to my room with a firm look on his face.

"What's up dude?" He asked.

"I don't know..." I replied honestly.

He stood in front of me, no jokes or clowning and I just fucking couldn't take the pressure anymore and the big fag that I was started fucking crying.

"I asked her to come to San Diego..." I said quietly, angrily wiping tears from my cheeks and feeling pathetic.

"She said no?"

I shook my head, "No she seemed... I thought she said yes but now..."

"What happened?"

"Nothing. Nothing exactly, she just... I just got a feeling, the plan was that she'd come over here tonight, but then she changed her mind and now I can't get her on the phone." I dropped my head into my hands, "Sorry man, I'm fucking exhausted, these weeks have been... Fucking mayhem and its just getting to me..."

"Do you think she isn't gonna come? Are we gonna stay a bit longer?" Jasper lowered himself to the floor and stretched out with his head on his arms.

"No." I said, nodding with my own sureness that I would leave anyway, "I can't take another few weeks of this bullshit that this town brings... If she won't come? Well at least I tried."

Jasper whistled, "You'd wanna be pretty sure man"

I knew it was the way it had to be, I would talk to Bella tomorrow and if she wasn't ready to come back to San Diego with me then I would go back alone. It had to be that way. I didn't fully understand why, but I knew that for my own sanity it would have to be that way. I understood the pain that I would cause myself, the agony of being without her would be worse this time. It was how it needed to be though, and so it would be.


	35. Chapter 35

_I'm running in the rain_  
_I'm caught in a late night play._  
_It's all, it's everything_  
_I'm soaking through the skin._

_Twilight, darkened day_  
_Twilight, lost my way_  
_Twilight, night and day_  
_Twilight, can't find my way._  
_Can't find your way_  
_Can't find my way_  
_Can't find your way._

_Twilight, darkened day_  
_Twilight, lost my way_  
_Twilight, night and day_  
_Twilight, can't find my way._

* * *

**_Bella_**

* * *

I stepped out into the meadow and saw him standing there. In the sunlight which caught the highlights in his hair and created shadows under his cheekbones. Jesus he was fucking beautiful.

I'd eventually answered my phone and as nonchalantly as I could swore nothing was wrong. He knew there was, I avoided the San Diego topic completely when he brought it up. I said, "We'll definitely talk about it"

And here I was, to talk about it. To tell him I wasn't going. My stomach was tight, my mouth was fucking dry.

I stepped out into the sunlight.

He said nothing as I approached him, his eyes just went from staring straight into mine to flitting about my body. He caught his lip in his teeth and I looked away. He was too sexy and too fucking hot to resist.

As the space closed between us all nerves fell away and he grabbed me in close to his body, whispering in my ear that he really fucking loved me and begging me to come to San Diego. Please Bella please.

I found his mouth and kissed him hard, tracing my fingers around the sharp edge of his jaw, into his hair. He pushed my mouth open with his lips, his tongue found mine and explored my mouth with a deep groan. I lifted my body against his and he lifted me off my feet, running one hand under my legs and dropping us slowly to the ground. His hand pressed my legs apart finding my panties under my skirt and pulling them off with one movement. His fingers explored across the tops of my thighs and I leaned against them, desperate in that moment for my world to fade away and to be caught again in the whirlwind that was Edward Cullen.

Suddenly he was pushing inside me and everything became about him again, his hot mouth moved across my face to my neck as we moved together, his hands finding mine and pushing them above my head as he looked into my eyes.

"I love you" He said quietly as my hips filled with torment and that familiar shake spread through my thighs.

I nodded and kissed him again.

We spiraled into our lovemaking, and it was real. The knowledge that this was not forever fled my mind and I was there. In that moment. That was real. Everything else would come after, but for that moment everything was perfect.

We rocked into orgasms, and I shuddered and clung to him. He came desperately and unconsciously into my body and then everything became quiet and the breeze dimmed and went out. Reality poured into the meadow, it became cold and lonely and I knew that this was it.

"Edward I can't come to San Diego" I said.

His reaction to that sentence was harsher then I had expected.

"I fucking knew it..." He said staring at me with such hurt in his eyes it nearly killed me. He pushed away from me, grabbing his clothes and pulling them on, his back to me. Then he turned, his chin taut and his eyes blazing.

"Yeah, I knew it." He said again, "Fuck."

I sat up and began to dress myself. He took a step back.

"Edward don't fucking walk away, I need to explain."

"Let me guess?" He said, "You can't fucking trust me, you can't let me in again..." There was a sneer in his voice.

"Its not that." I replied, "I do fucking trust you... Its lots of things...my mom has left my dad again and he is devastated... I need to stay for him, I'm sorry."

"It couldn't be just that." He said, "I know your dad, he would hate you to be giving up your life to stay in Forks for that reason. Anyway he will be fine, Its an hour flight and fuck Bella, Jesus, its Charlie you are talking about. He is a grown fucking man."

"Its not just that..." I swallowed hard, "Its Jacob..."

Edward almost shouted but stopped himself with a strangled groan, slamming his palms to his face and pushing them through his hair. He looked wild.

I continued, breathless and on the verge of tears, "Leah is pregnant." I said.

He stared at me, "So?" He threw his arms above his head and paced the ground, "What the fuck? So fucking what? You've no business in that."

"Its not his." I said.

He grit his teeth, "I don't fucking understand..."

"Leah is pregnant for someone else, someone she slept with just before getting with Jake. He is cut up about it. I can't abandon him."

"You're not his only friend Bella, I don't fucking understand you. Why are you such a fucking martyr?" He spat the last word and his eyes got hot and a burning blush ripped across his white skin.

"I'm his best friend."

"You reckon? You fucking reckon?" Edward was so angry, "Is he yours? Cause I don't know but I wouldn't want my best friend giving up her happiness for me. No fucking way. He isn't your friend, he is a selfish prick. Is he asking you to stay?"

"No. I didn't tell him."

"Well, don't you think thats fucking shady? You don't know what you fucking want. You are coming up with any excuse you fucking can to get out of this. I fucking _know_ you Bella. This isn't to do with Jacob, or your dad. This is all you. You don't want to let me in, you don't _want_ to live your _own_ life because you are so fucking scared of living someone elses. You'll find any reason you can to get out of this, but it's all you. Its all your own fucked up reason. God if I could just get you away from here. All I want is to take you away from here and..."

"You don't have to be my fucking hero Edward" I said, feeling my heart thumping as I stood up off the ground.

"Hero?" He said and a look of pain crossed his face, "Hero? I don't want to be a fucking hero Bella. I just want to be a man,_ your_ man. An ordinary guy with an ordinary life. Thats all. I _can't_ do that without you. I can't wake up in the morning happy and content without you. I can't go about my business in the day if you aren't gonna be there to tell about it when I get home. I just want normal. _You_ are my normal. Please..."

I shook my head, "I need to be a good person Edward."

He almost screeched with frustration, "You are a good person Bella, Jesus!"

"If I leave with you then I am a selfish person" I said plainly.

"Is that what you believe?" He said, "If you follow the path that you want to take it makes you selfish? So instead what? You'll stay in Forks, be unhappy... But a good person? Isn't that what you were afraid of when I met you Bella, isn't that what you always said you were glad your mother didn't do?"

"Its my mother that I can't be like Edward" My voice was shaking and I had to raise it to keep myself from bursting into tears. "She fucking _did_ what you are asking me to do and look what happened, she left my dad and Forks and her friends and look at what that did. It devastated people. She is lonely and afraid and selfish because she left. I can't be like her, I won't be like her."

"Bella, you aren't your mom" Edward moved toward me, reaching out his hand to lay a palm to my chest, "She left Charlie, her relationship, Forks. You are leaving to _be_ with yours."

"I can't"

He pulled me into a hug, pressing his mouth hard against my forehead. I felt his teeth grazing against my skin and through his jacket I swear I could hear his heart pounding.

"Please..." He growled.

I stood there, the confusion was like a monster. It throttled me, whipped me, pounded at my head.

"Edward, you have to let me stay" I said, "We... You and I... Its too big a risk. We drive each other crazy, we fight all the time... What if we fight in San Diego?"

He stared at me with an open mouth and his eyes blazing, "Are you fucking serious?"

"I am serious, we might not be good for each other..."

"You don't believe that, I fucking know you don't." He was getting so frustrated, his shoulders tensed up and his back straightened, "Jesus Bella, everything we've gone through and now we are strong, we are good. Its this fuckhole of a place that causes complications...Take the fucking risk with me please, fucking trust me, I trust _you_."

I shook my head, "No you don't. You don't. You went crazy when you saw me with Jacob.."

"That's because I had just spent a fucking hour trying to teach the fucker to respect me, and then my fucking girlfriend-" He spat the word, "-runs to him with her fucking problems instead of to me."

"Its the same" I said, finding it harder and harder to look into his eyes. I was so fucking confused but I knew one thing, I was not my mother. I couldn't stand the thoughts of losing Edward and in one way I was hoping he might just stay in Forks with me, "Could you not stay in Forks for a bit longer?"

He stepped back, his face paling and his jaw tensing. He shook his head.

He stood there shaking his head for what seemed like forever and then in a low husky snarl he replied, "No."

My heart banged off my ribs.

"So what? If I don't go to San Diego.... Its over?"

He paced the ground a bit, jamming his hands into his pockets and biting his lip. He pushed the hair from his face, scraping it back and squeezing against his temples with the heels of his hands.

"Bella." He said quietly, turning away for a moment before closing the gap between us and smashing his mouth to mine, grabbing me off my feet and enfolding me into his body.

I kissed him back, this was insane. What was I doing? Here he was, the one. My man. The one person that got me, every inch of me. I was letting him go. I knew it was fucking ridiculous, I knew that somewhere deep in my head I was running from this but I could not change my mind. I would _not_ be my mother, I would not _be_ her. I would not run to San Diego and abandon Forks and everything that Forks was to me. My father. Jacob.

"Bella," Edward put me down, smoothing my hair and taking my hand. He stooped to look into my eyes, "I _want_ to be with you, I would rather be in _this_... This fucked up on off again thing that we've got going, I would rather be in this fucked up relationship fighting with you than in complete bliss with anyone else..."

It was probably the most fucking romantic thing I'd ever heard and my resolve melted a little. Then the demons returned, my mouth went dry and I couldn't change my mind. My head began to pound again, I flinched as I heard the words come out of me, "Edward I'm staying in Forks..."

He had turned and walked away before the sentence was fully out of my mouth. His shoulders slumped as he marched away and disappeared in through the trees.

I fell to my knees clutching my stomach. I felt like I had been punched, I wanted to roar his name, make him come back, promise to go to San Diego. Something, I don't know what, maybe pride, stopped me. I wrapped my arms around myself, curled up into a little ball there in the middle of the meadow and sobbed and sobbed till my fucking guts came up.

I knew from previous experience that this feeling would fade and I would function again. I had done this, it was my decision. I _would_ live with it.

I would live without him because that meant I could respect myself. Without that I was nothing.

* * *

_Bright morning lights_  
_Wipe the sleep_  
_From another day's eye._  
_Turn away from the wall_  
_And there's nothing at all._  
_Being naked and afraid_  
_In the open space of my bed._

_I'll be with you now_  
_I'll be with you now_  
_I'll be with you now_  
_We lie on a cloud, we lie._

_Just as I am_  
_I awoke with a tear on my tongue_  
_I awoke with a feeling of never before_  
_In my sleep, I discovered the one_  
_But she left with the morning sun._

* * *

_**Edward**_

* * *

"Shit buzz" Jasper sat heavily on the bed as I threw my clothes from the closet into my suitcase.

I glared at him.

"Dude," He showed his palms in defeat, "Look man, I feel your fucking pain... But I really think she'll come around. I really think she will come visit you know?"

"I don't fucking want her to visit" I was finding it so difficult to calm down from my fight with Bella. Walking away from her was the hardest thing I'd ever done and seeing her fall to her knees as I looked back through the trees nearly killed me. I was so fucked up. This summer had close to sent me over the edge and now here I was, heading back to San Diego empty handed. I had imagined her living there with me so often that it would feel emptier than ever now. I'd been so close, so fucking close.

Alice was hinting that she would come and stay 'sometime' as she flitted around the room and eventually Jasper grabbed her around the waist growling into her neck that there was a few more weeks left of the summer so why didn't she just come with us.

Her squealing ceased after I shot her a hard look, "Why don't you fly back? I could do with the time on the road to clear my head."

Alice came over to where I stood, she laid her fluffy head on my shoulder, "Oh Ed..." She said simply, running her fingers over my heart, "Is it broken?"

I nodded, tensing my jaw to keep the emotions at bay.

"Are you gonna see her before you go?" Alice smiled hopefully as she stood back from me.

I shook my head firmly.

"You sure?" She asked raising her eyebrows and tilting her head with a questioning scrunch of her nose.

I nodded and fluffed her hair with my fingers, then grabbed her in for a hug, "It'll take me two days to get back." I said, "Will you be there when I get there?"

Jasper slapped his thighs and stood up from the bed, "We should be, I'll fly out anyway tomorrow and Alice can follow if there's shit she needs to do..."

Alice nodded, "Sounds good." She looked at me from under her eyelashes and gave me a meek smile, "We'll be there for you Ed, won't we Jasper?"

"Yep, don't worry dude" He said.

They both looked so fucking sorry for me I had to get the fuck out of there.

"Bye guys" I said abruptly and grabbing my stuff made my way down to my car.

I stood in the parking lot for longer than I meant to. Unable to believe that she wasn't going to drive in, run to me and tell me she had made a mistake, I stood there and stared at the entrance in vain.

Eventually, urged by the twitching curtains of Alice and Jasper watching me from the window I dumped my bags in the passenger seat, got in and drove away.

Heading out of Forks I spanned the crowd for her silhouette, I saw that fucker Black strolling down the main street with his posse laughing and joking and gave him the finger as he caught my eye. He was an asshole, he would welcome the sacrifice that Bella was making and I wanted to stop the car and punch his fucking face in. I didn't though, I just drove on by, past all the little reminders of my life here, onto the highway and toward home.

* * *

**Hi guys! Both lyrics are U2... Nearly finished now with this story so make sure to leave your reviews!**

**Only one chapter and an epilogue to come! **


	36. Chapter 36

_You stupid girl_

_You stupid girl_

_All you had you wasted_

_All you had you wasted_

_What drives you on_

_Can drive you mad_

_A million lies to sell yourself_

_Is all you ever had_

_Don't believe in love_

_Don't believe in hate_

_Don't believe in anything_

_That you can't waste_

_

* * *

_

_**Bella**_

* * *

The thumping on the front door wouldn't quit so I finally dragged myself out of bed and looked out the window.

Alice.

She saw me at the curtain and gave me a look that said _Get down here_. I was not in the mood for this, my night had been a crazy hell of nightmares and waking into a cold reality. Edward was fucking gone. I had forced his hand. I had done the right thing. I had to hang on to that.

She pushed in past me as soon as I had unlocked the door. Her little pixie face was hard as she turned to me and said, "What's _wrong_ with you?"

I was taken aback, "What? Nothing. What does that even mean?"

"I just don't get it, you. I don't get you." Alice was shaking her head while speaking, her mouth tight around the words, "A couple nights ago you were begging me to help you make things right with my brother, and I did that. Why did you bother Bella? Now he is fucking heart broken, driving back to San Diego alone, and I don't know what's going to happen to him after this Bella. How could you do this to him? You've played some games..."

My jaw dropped. I was incredulous, "What?" I could't speak with a boiling rage that started simmering in my belly, "I haven't played one game, not one with your brother Alice and to be honest I don't appreciate you... Coming here... To scold me..." then I promptly burst into tears.

Alice's little hand briefly touched my arm, "Bella what the fuck is going on?"

I shook my head, "Its all such a mess" I said, dragging my sleeve across my face, "Edward won't stay here... But I can't go to San Diego. Alice, my dad is fucked up over my mom and Jacob's in trouble and... Ugh its just a mess."

"Bella" Alice shook her head, "Honey, you gotta see that being with Edward is your future, God Bella _I_ can see it. I can _see_ it. Its you and him, its gotta be."

"It isn't" I felt weak, "I can't abandon everyone I love just to satisfy my own wants"

"What about your needs?" Alice asked, pulling me to sit on the couch, loosening her jacket and throwing her bag onto the floor "Forget what you want, which we know is Edward. What do you need?"

I flinched. Dropping my head into my hands I tried to think straight, I exhaled hard into my palms warming my face.

"I need to be a good person Alice" I admitted, "I need my self respect. I can't hurt people just to satisfy myself."

Alice stood up again and tightened her scarf around her neck, smoothing her jacket and hanging her bag on her shoulder again.

"Bella honey" She said, heading for the door. She turned, one hand on her hip and said, "Bella you are doing just _that._ You gotta see the forest for the trees Bella. You are hurting Edward_ just _to satisfy yourself. He _is_ the most important person in your life. You gotta see that or you'll be forever lost. You can't contradict yourself anymore. You are doing the opposite of what you _say_ you are doing... I just hope you don't realise that too late."

Then she left.

She was wrong. I was not being selfish. I was being sacrificing. I was giving up my own happiness for the people who needed me. That was good. I was a good person. My mother had chosen the wrong path for herself, and was still causing pain and destruction as she went. She was hurting my dad and she was hurting me with her choices.

I picked up my phone and called Charlie.

"Hey Dad" I said when he answered, "Hows your day?"

"Hey Bells" He replied, "Yeah its okay, how are you?"

"I'm okay of course Dad" I said, "Listen what time will you be home? We could go for dinner-"

He coughed, "Yeah uh, don't you have friends to meet though honey? I mean you have your life to lead and I'm fine really. Made a bit of a fool of myself I think with the whole thing to do with your mom, but you can't worry honey. I'm fine. I think I'm gonna go for a few beers with Billy later so you go enjoy yourself, I'm sure Edward would like to hang out with you?"

"Edward is gone back to San Diego" I said flatly, feeling an emotion I wasn't familiar with creep up my spine. Was it fear? Was it horror?

"Really?" Charlie sounded chipper, "San Diego huh? Thats a pretty cool place I hear."

"Yeah..." I felt my mind start to spiral.

"You know you've a few weeks left in the summer..."

I hung up the phone. I'd text Charlie later and say I lost coverage or something.

I rang Jacob.

"Hi Jake" I said into the phone.

There was fumbling, and laughing and a whoop from someone in the distance.

"Sorry Bella? Hi sorry" Jacob sounded breathless, "Whats up?"

"What are you doing? Are you outside?"

"Uh, yeah I'm over at Quils" He said and I heard whooping and laughing again, "We're cutting down that big tree in his back yard, its getting a bit dicey here to be honest so I better go, are you okay?"

"Yeah of course" I said, the words felt like fucking puke in my mouth, "Want to do something later?"

"Yeah cool, sounds good." He said, "I could do with an old heart to heart with my girl you know?"

I felt huge relief, I hadn't been wrong. Jacob was putting up a front with the lads but he needed me. He really needed me and I was here. I wasn't off on the other side of the country enjoying myself while he was in pain.

I was not my mother.

***

I hung around the house for the day, had a bath, cleared out my closet. I was bored but I wouldn't, I could't let my mind stray for a minute to Edward. I would go insane if I let that happen. I could't think of him. I wouldn't think of his face, or his voice for one second.

Jacob called in at 6.

"How are you?" I said giving him a one armed hug as he came through the door, "Hows your head?"

He grinned, "I haven't been drinking Bella..."

"No I mean... You know how are you handling the whole thing with Leah..."

"Oh shit yeah, I meant to text you" He said flippantly as he shrugged his jacket off and threw himself on the couch, "She isn't pregnant, false alarm... Something about looking at her last year diary by mistake." He looked at me briefly before grabbing the remote control, "Now Bells back to you and this heart to heart, I hear Cullen did another escape act on you..."

I cannot tell you what happened to me then, it was like I became engulfed in a thousand versions of myself all laughing and pointing. Fool. _Fool_. Alice was _right_, the ball finally dropped. Me staying in Forks was nothing to do with _anyone_ other than myself. I had hoped that Jacob would have really needed me but I now knew that was my selfish response to getting what I wanted, a way to make it okay in my own fucked up head. Charlie was fine, he was a grown up and getting fucked around by my mom was something that maybe he chose for himself. He didn't need me in his business, and he really didn't want my sympathy.

What had I done? What had I fucking done?

I had given up absolutely everything for my own stupid warped idea of what a good person was. Because I was afraid. I had hurt the one person that I wasn't supposed to hurt in order to try to protect myself from becoming what I was most afraid of. But I was not my mother.

I was not my mother. I was Bella Swan, and I was in love with Edward Cullen. I should be with him, in San Diego.

And now it was too late.

* * *

**Lyrics from Garbage. **


	37. Epilogue

_What in this world_

_Keeps us from falling apart?_

_No matter where I go I hear_

_The beating of our one heart_

_I think about you_

_When the night is cold and dark,_

_No one can move me_

_The way that you do_

_Nothing erases this feeling between me and you_

_I drove all night to get to you_

_Is that all right?_

_I drove all night_

_

* * *

  
_

The two days that it took to get me there flew by. My mind was other occupied and the road passed under my car unconsciously. I spent a night in a grubby motel alone, missing those pale arms like I never had before. With nobody there it was easy to cry. I felt like smashing up the world. How could this have happened? I had been _such_ a fool. I drove through the next night just to get where I needed to be. The place that I knew would save me. San Diego.

Arriving outside the apartment as the sun came up I saw lights in the windows and was glad of it. I wouldn't have to be alone any longer, two days was enough. I would have to talk this out. Get everything out.

Jasper answered the door.

"You're here" I said, catching my reflection in the mirror behind him. Jesus I looked wild.

He gave me a sad grin, "So are you" and grabbed me into a bear hug that comforted me and welcomed me home, "You look like shit." He said, ruffling my hair and kissing me on the cheek.

I smiled, meekly and then questioned him with my eyes, raising my eyebrow and looking past him into the apartment.

"_Your _room...?" He said pulling me into the hall and directing me upstairs. I gave him a nod, and passed him. My feet took me up the stairs, each step feeling like a weight lifting from my body. This was it. My _home_. It had to be. I had to forget Forks and everything it stood for.

I had to leave _everything_ that Forks was to me behind.

There was one door ajar, Jaspers room. I could see posters on the walls and clothes on the floor. The bed was unmade.

The bathroom door was also open, the clean crisp tiles reflected the light and the window was open. In the air I could smell the sea. It gave me strength. I just wanted to sleep for a thousand years, but there was something I had to do first.

There was another door. Closed. _My_ room.

I stood outside that door for a minute, breathing deeply. This was my portal. My entrance to my real life. The life where I would face reality. My_ real_ life.

I turned the knob and pushed the door open. With the curtains drawn the room was dark but in the shadows I could see the bed and on it a dark shape. It moved and lifted in the gloom.

"Edward..." I said, and suddenly the light flicked on illuminating everything. The room was clean, and warm and him. "Edward its me." I said as his eyes flinched adjusting to the light.

He sat up, scrubbing his face with his hands and then stared at me. His face said nothing, I couldn't read him. I was terrified.

"You're here..." He growled, his throat catching and his body tensing.

I moved toward him, "Edward...I..." Tears blinded my eyes and I couldn't see. I stifled a sob.

He didn't move. I wanted him to jump up and hold me tightly, I wanted him to tell me everything was as it should be, that I was home. I _was_ home, I had known that the minute my car had turned into the haphazard streets of San Diego. I just didn't want to fight to stay. I wanted to just let go now, be enveloped in his love and love him back with everything I had. I couldn't fight. _Please don't make me fight._

"What are you doing here?" He said, and I could hear a defensiveness in his voice.

_No_.

"Edward...I'm here. I'm here." That was all I could say.

His eyes changed from disbelief to anger in a flash and he shook his head, "No, no" He said, "I can't handle this, what the _fuck_ are you doing here?"

"What do you mean?" I said, terrified, "I know things got so fucking messed up but Edward I'm sorry and I'm _here_. Please, I'm here now."

"For how long?"

I rummaged through my mind, self protection taking over again. What could I say to that that would also protect me from looking like a fool. Then I caught hold of myself and shook myself. _ Stop protecting yourself Bella. Stop it._

"I want to stay here, with you, for as long as you are here." I said, dropping my hands to my sides and turning my palms out toward him. "Don't send me away... Edward I have been the biggest fucking asshole, I know that... I know it took longer than it should have to get here, to be here... But I came? I took the risk... Please don't send me away."

He stared at me, and I could see his chest rising and falling with deep breaths.

"Bella... I've been here for a fucking week, I've called you, I've left fucking messages..."

"I know... _I know_..." I said, "I was just so fucked up. Everybody, my dad, Angela, even Jacob was on my case to sort this out but I just needed to work it all out. I needed to find out that this was what I wanted before I came."

"And as usual that meant just fucking everyone else up as you did?" He spat, "So you needed what you needed and everyone else had to literally go to fucking hell while you figured it out?"

"I know, I'm sorry" I admitted, "That is so fucking true Edward, Jesus this is gonna sound crazy but the minute I realised that I was on the road. I couldn't get here faster...I drove all night..."

"I can see that..." Did his eyes soften? I moved toward him but his hand flew out to stop me.

He shook his head, "No, stay there. I need to breathe." He said shortly.

"Edward, please" I begged, feeling so weak I nearly dropped to my knees, "Breathe _with_ me. _Please_. We can work this out. Can't we erase last week? Just forget it? Start now?"

"What _do_ you want Bella?" He asked, snapping his head up to look at me. He was so beautiful. What had I been thinking? I loved this man. I fucking loved him.

"I want you" I said.

"What do I want Bella?" He asked in a whisper that I barely heard.

"What do you want?" I was confused and horrified by the question, the answer could be one I could't take.

"Yeah, what do I want?" He moved to sit up straighter.

I stared at the ground, "I hope-"

"No" He cut in, "Not what you think or hope. Just plain. What do _I_ want?"

"You want _me_." I said before I could change it. I shut my eyes.

"Thats what I thought I wanted..." I heard a crack in his voice and opened my eyes, his face looked so sad.

"Edward, please..."

"I thought I wanted you. Christ, I just wanted to love you..." He stared at his hands, turning them over and staring at them as if they were strange to him. "but Bella... The last week..."

I felt everything crumbling away. I might not be able to make this right. This could be the punishment I got for my own selfish stupidity.

"You don't _want_ me?" I said, overwhelmed by a numb wave which grabbed hold of me, strengthening my backbone and standing me straighter than I ever had before.

He looked at me, "No" He said with a snarl looking me right in the eye. I burst into tears and fled the room, banging off the doorframe and whacking my elbow off the banisters on the stairs.

Jasper caught me as I headed for the door, whispering in my ear as he held me tightly, "Give him an hour. Give him a minute. Don't leave now."

I pushed him away gently, "I can't take it... He fucking _hates_ me... I'm going back to Forks..." I said.

He shook his head and took my shoulders, "Bella don't run away from this. Just let him get his head on straight. When I got here, Bella when I got here what I found was frightening, Edward was...he is so screwed up without you. He can't, I don't think he _will_ live without you. Just let him sort out his head. You of all people know about pride... And fear... Look at the fight you put up when Edward came for you, but_ he_ stayed. You gotta work that hard, if not harder, now. Its your turn."

I looked into Jaspers eyes, he was right. I nodded. I would stay around San Diego and fight for Edward as he had fought for me. I would make him see that I was confused before, stupid and afraid but now I was here. _Here_ for him.

"Okay" I trusted him completely and suddenly there was light in the room and I felt like this was not the end of the line, "What will I do Jasper?"

"Right this is what you are going to do for starters, there is a cafe at the end of the street... Its called The Clocktower." He told me, "Go there, I'm going to talk to our dear Eddie and talk to him until I am blue in the schnoz..."I giggled a little, he continued, "He'll be there at noon. I promise. Even if what he is there to say is not what we both hope, he _will_ be there."

I nodded, swallowing hard. Jasper asked if I had money, which I did but even so he forced a twenty into my hand and with a hug he pushed me out the door and into the street.

The morning was warm and there was no breeze. I pushed my hair back into a barrett as I walked down the hill to the sea. Everything was calm around me but my mind was in turmoil.

It was half nine. I had time so I skirted past the cafe which was already bustling and onto the sea front. I walked along a street called 'Isabella avenue' and resisted the urge to take a picture with my phone to send to Charlie. If things worked out I would. He'd get a kick out of that. When I had confided in him that Edward had wanted me to come stay in San Diego with him he had practically shoved me out the door. He had said "THat boy brings colour to your face Bells, go make it right." I had died when he had said that, yet another confirmation that I was a fool. Jacob had said the same in our goodbye, "I don't know what the hell you see in that fucker Bella, but it seems that whatever it is isn't fading...".

I made my way down and onto the beach, finding a rock and sitting on it.

The sand stretched out in front of me, the sound of the passing traffic faded and I could hear Edward's voice in my head, "I don't want to be a hero..." He _was_ a fucking hero. He had saved me. Everything we had together was saving me, and I couldn't handle the idea that I had sabotaged myself the way that I had. It was all so clear now I couldn't understand how it hadn't been before. Why had I fought against it? Even at the end. I knew he wouldn't fucking let me down, he was who I was supposed to be with. This was too cruel. This hand being dealt to me now was too hard to take. I felt like I was running into the wind, uphill. I just needed to fight to get there.

I imagined the conversation between Edward and Jasper that I had no doubt was going on at that moment. It was ten o'clock. Two hours left. I imagined that Jasper would argue for me, Edward would argue against me. Who would win? I remembered Angela saying there was no crime in loving someone, why had I not just admitted defeat then? Why was everything such a mess? Why had I resisted and talked myself into this position? Had my mothers actions damaged me so badly? Had living with Charlie all these years made me so terrified of love?

I thought about myself and the girl I had been before I met Edward. That silly horny little thing. I'd been so cocky to hide all the fear. Even then I was resisting love. I hadn't wanted love, I had wanted _control_. All the bravado, all the sexual predator bullshit, was all about hiding the real me. Edward had chiselled at that exterior and falling in love with him had taken my control away. I'd blamed Edward for my fear, told myself it was because of how he had treated me the first time - that was why I couldn't let go. That wasn't the truth. I had always been afraid, since my mom bundled me away from Charlie in the middle of the night. I had fought back by being in control. Roles became reversed with Renee, I had to mind her, I became the mother. Then moving back with Charlie I lost some of that control, that wall that made me feel safe and I replaced it with being rebellious, being promiscuos, being a brat. That gave me control and made me feel safe, but that was not sustainable. I had to let go.

Being with Edward now meant relinquishing control. Even back then it had always been about control. I had taken pain over helplessness. He made me feel vulnerable, even now, even the thought of living here with him made me feel unsafe but I _had_ to come to terms with that - Love was scary, trust was scary. Without it though, without loving someone totally and with complete trust, what was life worth? Even if I got hurt I _had_ to let myself _live_.

I hated the idea that I had learned this lesson and wouldn't get to be with Edward, the man who had taught me it. I fucking hated the knowledge that yes, I _would_ eventually get over him, I would be happy again and meet someone else, I hated that idea that my next relationship would harvest all the lessons that _this_ one had taught me. Edward and I deserved to reap that reward. We had put in all the struggle. It was our fight, our struggle and I wanted us to be the benefactors. Not other future people that we met.

The time slipped away as I stared into the horizon and suddenly I realised it was five to twelve. I jumped up and began to run, the realization that I could be late and miss him.

I had to make it.

I set my feet under me and ran back the way I had come, abandoning inhibitions and pushing through crowds of people on the streets that led to The Clocktower. My hair fell from its barrett but I didn't care. I ran, pushing myself to the brink, uphill. It was a physical manifestation of what may lie ahead and I was happy to put myself through it.

Then I was at the opposite corner and I could see Edward. He looked so pale and tired, big black circles under his eyes and so sad. So fucking sad. Standing in the doorway, I saw him look up and down the street and then slowly with resignation put his foot onto the sidewalk to step out into the sunshine. He was leaving. Throwing caution to the wind I ran out into the street, jumping across and over the middle triangle, across the middle and onto the other side.

I closed the space between us in long strides, my thighs and lungs burned but I made it slamming my hands onto Edward's chest and pushing him back into the doorway with all my might.

Sweet relief hammered through me and I started shaking as his mouth slammed onto mine in a crushing kiss. He pressed his face into mine, grabbing me by the waist and head as if he couldn't get close enough. He wanted me. I knew it was true, it was over. The pain, the fear, the past.

"I'm here" I whispered into his mouth, "I'm here"

"Heaven" He whispered back, moving his hand from my head to my neck and pulling away slightly to look deep into my eyes. I kissed him and kissed him. All over his face, neck, I took his hands and kissed them.

"I take it its all right if I stay?" I said meekly as I dragged his hands around my waist, rubbing his chest with my palms and running them up around his neck.

"Sure" He said with a crooked smile, leaning away from me for a moment before pulling me back in to his arms, "Bella..." He whispered, "I came here to tell you to go home. I swear, I wanted you to. I just wanted everything to be over, all the fighting and the pain, but I was wrong. When I got here... Bella, when you weren't _here..._ waiting, I felt it - The real pain again of not having you in my life. The last week has been hell but I _knew_, somewhere deep inside me, that you would make your way back to me, even if I didn't understand that I knew that. Then just now, when I thought you _were_ gone, really gone and probably for good, it was agony. I _never_ want to feel that way again. _ Ever._ We are meant to be together Bella. Never leave me. I love you and I promise you I won't _ever_ leave _you_. That I know."

Then he buried his face in my hair and I felt the familiar tug on my hair as he inhaled. Edward likes to _smell_ me.

"I must smell like shit" I said looking up at him.

He nodded and quirked an eyebrow, "You do... But I like your sweaty smell..."

He pushed me out on the sidewalk, and grabbed my hand, "So how you like San Diego so far?" He said as we walked back toward the apartment.

"I haven't liked it much up to ten minutes ago..."

"Was that just ten minutes? That back there?" He looked back at the doorway and then smiled at me.

I checked my watch, "Yeah, it was..." I smirked, wrinkling my nose at him.

"Hmmm" He said and for the first time I saw the sparkle back in his eyes, "I know I've got more than that in me..."

He pushed me across against the wall and pushed his whole body into mine, this was it. I had him, he was mine and I was his.

"Want me to show you here? How _much_ I've got for you?" He growled into my neck.

At that minute we heard Jasper shouting "GET A ROOM" and we looked up to see him hanging over the balcony of the apartment. I laughed, feeling myself blush. He waved comically. We waved back.

"Hows the walls in your place?" I said, waggling my eyebrows and nodding my head toward the door.

"Noise wise? Not so great." Edward replied, pulling my hand up and kissing it, "Who cares though? Its nothing Jazz hasn't heard from us already."

"Excuse me?" My mouth fell open, "When the...?"

"I'll tell you later" Edward pulled me behind him up the stairs of the apartment. Our apartment. As he took me upstairs all the anxiety and fear and pain of the last year fell away and I remembered who I really was.

I was Bella Swan, I was nineteen and I was about to get fucked senseless by the love of my life, Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen. The name alone sends my _heart_ into tiny spasms.

Edward fucking Cullen.

***

_THE END_

***

* * *

_**Well guys thats it! Its done! My story has reached its end... Thank you all so much for reading, and for reviewing, its been great fun! I hope you'll review the whole story for me now, especially those of you who haven't reviewed so far! I can see you there, and I'd love to hear from you! And if you are reading this in the next while as a complete story do review still!! Its such a buzz to hear from you all!!**_

_**Now... what will I write about next? Maybe Alice and Jasper need a look in? What do you think? **_

_**Lots of Love, MLWE xxx**_


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